May 04, 2004
As I approach the end of week seven of unemployment, life goes on. Bills are getting paid, maple seeds are netted off the pool, and groceries are bought and consumed. The trash gets taken out, and the kitty litter gets changed. Dishes and clothes are dirtied and washed.
It is all starting to feel normal, or at least less out of control. On the one hand I think having a feeling of normalcy is good as it makes being here at home safe. Without a place of safety I'm not sure we could get through this period. So much of our lives outside of our home continues to be out of control.
Our combined search for employment has been largely fruitless. I am starting to grow weary of the process of crafting cover letters. After more than 100 applications across the country I am weary of the whole search. Worse than the tiredness I feel is the sense of doubt the lack of response has given me. It is very hard not to to beat myself up saying, "the only thing common to those 100 applications is me."
The potential buyer for the house has vanished into thin air. Repeated calls to the number they left only get a message service, and the messages I've left have been ignored. I'm ready for the next buyer, however, a contract template is loaded on my computer, ready to filled in and printed. The next offer won't be considered real until there is earnest money and a signed contract.
My birthday is later this week, May 7th to be exact. My parents have offered to drive over and take us out to dinner. I keep going back and forth over whether to accept their offer or not. To often in the past I have set aside my needs of the moment to try and take care of them. With both of their children out of work presently, I know they are full of unexpressed and unmet emotional needs. An evening with them will be difficult at best. I should call and ask for a rain check.
I realize that depression is setting in, getting a deeper hold on me. Forcing myself to do the little everyday things that I normally would do is helping. Letting myself off the hook for ignoring or putting off larger things is helping too. However I must strike a balance between taking care of myself in the moment and making sure I have a future that is away from this depression. I would feel so much better if I didn't feel so bad.
Life goes on and on.