October 16, 2005
Michele always said that you should never make a decision when you were Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I have certainly been all of these and more this week.
I've been making myself eat, even though I have no real appetite. In an effort to keep my mind occupied I made two of our favorites this weekend - Chicken with Rice, and Chili. I've got plenty of leftovers, both in the fridge and the freezer. I was afraid before starting that cooking would be hard as it was something we always did together. I did cry some, but I felt connected to her as a result.
I haven't gotten to much anger yet. but I know it's there, simmering below the surface. This is the part of my grief I will have the hardest time with; I've always been afraid of my anger.
Lonely. I have been too preoccupied with details to really feel this yet. When I stop for more than a few minutes and un-focus I can feel it bearing down on me. I have been talking out loud to Michele a lot this week. So much of my life revolved around sharing my thoughts with her and now I can't. Well, I can't hear her answers, but I can still talk to her. And I am. But I am so lonely for her all the time.
There are times when I don't think I'll ever not be tired again. I've been sleeping surprisingly well this week. But even so I am dog tired all day long. Who knew that grief was such a physically demanding activity. My neck is tight all the time, and my joints are painful and sore. I've been trying to drink lots of water and eat well, but I don't know when I won't feel tired again.
Five minute chunks is all I'm aiming for now. Just get to the end of the next five minutes. It's only 300 seconds. Three hundred eternally long seconds.