I’ve been wearing my new Timberland shoes indoors only since they are a little tighter than I’d like, and I want to be able to exchange them for the next size larger if necessary. Consequently I swap them with my old shoes at the start and end of each day, and before and after lunch. Toward that end I twittered this yesterday afternoon:

Test driving a pair of shoes from #Zappos. Makes be feel like Mr. Rogers. Changing shoes at the beginning and ending of every show. Er, day.

Zappos responded with a twitter of their own a short time later:

@Zanshin Do you have your sweater?

With so many retweet bots adding noise to the twitter stream these days, it was wonderful to see that Zappos has an actual human reading and responding to Zappos tagged tweets.

Personally, I think the blackberry must be frozen.

MY DEAR AMERICAN FRIEND:

I AM NEEDING TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 700 BILLION OF YOUR DOLLARS (US). IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH HIGHLY REPUTABLE MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY IF MY POLITICAL PARTY WINS UPCOMING ELECTION, WHICH WE CERTAINLY WILL BECAUSE WE ARE IN CONTROLING OF THE HIGHEST SUPREME COURT. YOU MAY REMEMBER HIM AS A SENATOR AS LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S.

I AM ALSO WORKING WITH HIGHLY REPUTABLE MR. BARNEY FRANK, MEMBER OF CONGRESS FROM PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF MASSACHUSETTS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY IF OTHER POLITICAL PARTY, LED BY MR. BARACK OBAMA, WIN UPCOMING ELECTION, WHICH HE CERTAINLY WILL BECAUSE HE IS IN CONTROLLING OF VOTING IN ILLINOIS, OHIO, FLORIDA, AND MANY OTHER STATES. MR. BARNEY FRANK IS VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT FINANCIAL TRANSACTIONS OF ALL KINDS, FROM WHOREHOUSE ADMINISTRATION TO HOME LOAN BUSINESS, AND FAITHFULLY TEACHES PRECEPTS OF MR. BARACK OBAMA (“FROM TINY A.C.O.R.N. GROWS GIANT FORECLOSURE OAK!”).

THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE. YOU MUST TRUST ME COMPLETELY AND NOT ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE TRANSACTION. YOU HAVE MY WORD NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE MONEY. THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED YOUR BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTH PERSONAGE WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

YOU ARE THAT PERSONAGE.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN, GRANDCHILDREN AND THOSE YET UNBORN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@ TREASURY. GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION.

AFTER I RECEIVE THIS INFORMATION I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS WE PROMISE WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS AND PRODUCE A LONG-TERM RETURN ON INVESTMENT FOR YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE.

YOURS FAITHFULLY

MINISTER OF TREASURY H. PAULSON

P.S.: YOU CAN REALLY TRUST ME. LOOK AT DOLLAR BILL. MY SIGNATURE IS ON THE MONEY.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.

~ George Carlin

So it should come as no surprise that this evening, while working out at our new gym, Sibylle and I discovered something interesting about the weights we’d been using.  About 18 months ago I joined another gym and was trained on a set of weight machines.  Being a nerd I carefully noted the seat position settings for each machine and the weight I was lifting for each.  I made a little card to carry with me so I wouldn’t have to rely on memory.  Eventually I was able to remember the numbers without my cheatsheet.

On each of our three visits to the new gym this past week, I have done a few repetitions on the same set of weight machines the other club had.  And each time I was somewhat stunned by how heavy the weights were.  Could I really have lost that much strength in just a year and a half?

After straining to lift roughly half my prior weight again tonight, I remarked to Sibylle, “These weights are really heavy, I don’t understand it.”  Half joking she replied, “You don’t suppose they are kilograms instead of pounds, do you?”

Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head.  The little “kilogram to pounds” conversion charts taped to some of the machines took on a whole new meaning.  100 didn’t mean pounds, it meant 100 kilograms or 224 pounds.

Thanks to Sibylle’s remark we now know that our new machines are in fact more than twice as heavy as the ones I’d used before.  And that a centimeter is still 100th of a meter, and that -40 F equals -40 C, and both are too cold for me.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Just a few minutes ago, after washing my hands in the restroom, I and another man were both reaching for paper towels from the lone dispenser. After giving him a nod, and gesturing for him to go first I thought we following the aforementioned law. He, on the other hand, took my politeness as an excuse to talk. A lot.

My tactical mistake was to allow him to be between me and the door. Throughout my drying of my hands and then while I stood there waiting, he stood, holding the door half open, telling me all about some new hot-air hand dryer that will use “400 MPH air” to instantly dry your hands. When my lack of response didn’t cause him to stop I had to resort to crowding him and reaching for the door. Fortunately, there are two paths away from the men’s room. Pausing slightly I was able to let him choose one and then I picked the other, to effectively end his now rambling discussion of using the “same cyclonic wind tunnel technology some high-end vacuums have” to dry ones hands.

Normally I think the contents of gender specific humor emails are worthy only of being deleted, but for once I agreed with the author. I’m not trying to be anti-social, I just would rather not strike up lengthly conversations with strangers in the men’s room.

net.zanshin.PlacesLivedException: placesLivedCount may not be decremented
at net.zanshin.blogs.001243.html (I’ve lived in six states:iii)
at net.zanshin.blogs.000572.html (I have lived in 7 states: xv)
at net.zanshin (index.html:1)
at user.jj (see what mark is doing:1)
at user.jj (preflight checklist:114)
08 May 2007 12:13:04,553 ERROR JJUsingWebDaemon : [10.170.77.54-63b5c0.1126c1a3314.-7ff2] runtime exception…

It seems that in an earlier posting, 44 Things About Me I claimed to have lived in 7 states, and in this week’s posting, 46 Things About Me I only claimed 6 states. Hence the PlacesLivedException.

The correct answer hinges on what constitutes “lived in.” Two years ago I was using the looser “any place I’ve stayed that wasn’t a vacation” rule. This year I employed the “any place where I’ve had mail addressed” rule.

In my life I have lived in New York, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Indiana, Washington, South Carolina, and Kansas. Seven states. However, my stay in Pennsylvania was very brief, only about 4 or 5 weeks as my parents were in the process of moving from New York to Illinois. My mother and I stayed with my paternal grandparents while my father went ahead to start his new job and to find a rental house.

This brings up a slight exception to the “any place where I’ve had mail addressed” rule. You see, I was born in Brooklyn and lived there for 10 months before we moved to Illinois. I doubt that I got any mail in that time period. New York stays on the list since it is my place of birth. Pennsylvania is out as it was transitory.

And besides, as the the chief source of requirements for this site, I am allowed to change the rules without prior notice. Still, kudos to JJ for having caught the discrepancy. Heck, I’m tickled that someone out there is actually reading this stuff.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Happy (insert celebration of your choice) !!!

(original author: Unknown)