July 29, 2002
It was an amazing weekend. Both Thursday and Friday evenings my wife and I had long, deep discussions about some issues that had started to build between us. We both work hard at airing out the little petty things before they become bigger, uglier issues that are impossible to deal with.
I am depressive and tend to take on more than I should as a result. I keep things in that should be said and I over react to little things making it hard to resolve issues. My wife has some fear of abandonment issues that get tweaked when I stop communicating openly with her. If only one of us is feeling out of control and responding from our negative side the other can usually provide enough support to create a safe place to fall, allowing the underlying issue to be expressed and resolved. However, when we both are feeling out of control life gets, um, interesting. Both Thursday and Friday evening we sat and talked for a long time about little things and big things. Tears were shed and hotter emotions given a place to cool. We started to come back to ourselves after about 6-weeks of gradually becoming more and more isolated. It felt good to reconnect to my best friend.
Saturday we decided that it was time to visit my brother and his family to see the new baby. We both had a lot of fear about this visit as we haven’t had a very good relationship there in the past. There is a lack of communication and understanding that creates some gaps in our knowledge. And a knowledge gap is a great place to dump a lot of fear. Imagine our surprise as we had a wonderful visit. It was light and open; both sides could talk and listen. It was simply one of the best visits we’ve ever had with my brother and his family. Later in the day my parents dropped in and things continued in a pleasant vein. The visit was better than we’d ever dreamed possible, and we are looking forward to taking another step forward a few weeks when they come to our house for a pool party. I know that previously I have said some harsh things about my brother in this space; those thoughts were valid in the moment and I do not apologize for them. I am happy to report that I have a much better feeling for him today.
Sunday we hung out at home and made a pot of chili and a chocolate frosted yellow cake. We broached one of the most difficult subjects I’ve ever had to face ~ my sexuality. For reasons I am not quite ready to make permanent here I have a very conflicted set of emotions about my sexuality. My incredible wife recognizes this and wants to create a space for me to sort these out. What is even more incredible is that she is secure enough in her own sexuality and sexual identity to not be threatened or hurt by my issues. I know that I have a bumpy ride ahead of me as I sort through this most thorny part of my personality. I also know that I have the totally support and love of my beautiful wife to see me through the other side.