January 06, 2003
I have been gone from work for 17 days, and today is my first day back. Every one here that I visit with knew that I was going to Hawaii with Michele for a week long cruise, all expressed interest and envy in my fortune. Several were adamant about wanting to see pictures as soon as I returned.
So where are they today? I realize that it is only 8:30 in the morning, and many of them have only been here a few minutes, but my expectation that one and all would stop by to see me has been dashed. I am feeling intense rejection right now.
You see I spent the past 17 days with the most wonderful, considerate, caring, loving individual I have ever known, my beautiful wife, Michele. To go from the warmth of her love to the cold rejection of the workplace is cruel. I am trying to steel myself back to the level of guardedness I had before my vacation but it is so hard. For the past 17 days I have been able to freely and openly express how I felt in the moment because it was safe to do so. Michele understands the need for emotions in the moment. My workplace doesn’t understand the need for emotions at all, in the moment or otherwise.
The sting of this apparent rejection hurts. I cannot deny that to myself even if I know I dare not show it to those around me. I feel so lonely here. I miss my true companion so very much in this moment.
I want to be home with Michele.