April 10, 2003
It has been an interesting morning here. The state budget address was given yesterday, and it targets consultant spending as one area where cuts should be made. Naturally this has upset many of my consultant coworkers. The one thing that I keep reminding myself as I listen to and get sucked into these discussions, is that the new governor has stepped on a lot of toes in his three months in office; his budget proposal is going to get hacked to bits in the coming weeks. So to get worked up today about the first proposal is just silly.
At any rate I have been very aware of my addiction this morning, and I have been taking very good care of myself to prevent it from running amok. I know that I will be okay when my thoughts and emotions come from my adult, integrated self. However, when I start coming from the old Mark, I can feel myself slipping into the its-better-to-run-away-than-stay-and-deal-wth-it mode. If Michele and I hadn’t talked this out just last week, I am afraid that I would be pretty out of control about this today. As it is, even knowing that I have a destructive tendency around information like this, it is hard not to start calling people and rattling cages looking for information, work, contracts, or something. Even writing about it gets me going a little bit.
So, I have been sitting here for a few minutes calming myself and letting my integrated self address my inner voices and fears. I know that I am concerned about my contract status here, but that is normal. I know that I am in a very good position to keep this contract for many reasons. I know that this craziness happens here every year between January and July, and that acting on it is even crazier still.
Because I did the hard work to identify and own my addiction towards acting in ways that can be destructive last week, I am far better prepared to handle the swirling anxieties here today. I am able to step back and re-grasp my reality and let go of the rocks everyone else is grabbing. I no longer need to be like everyone else to feel good about myself. I don’t need to run off half assed because because of events beyond my control. I do much better when I sit back and validate my own emotions, than when I allow myself to get caught up in the storm of emotions everyone else is generating.
The sky is only falling if you are afraid to look up and see the truth of your situation.