October 29, 2005
I had a full day today, trying to keep the aloneness from getting to me. I got it in my head this week that I wanted to move the furniture around. Yesterday I bought a swivel base for the television in preparation for the new arrangement, and this morning at 7:00 I was running the vacuum over the carpet before stirring things up.
After two hours of steady work I had made a large mess, but the desk was moved to it’s new home and the electronics were positioned as well. I took a break and went to scout a potential dojo. Their web site was intriguing and I want to see what they were like in person. Over all the impression was mixed. They are very kata centric, which I like, but the katas are all the straight line, side to side ones that I don’t care for. The atmosphere was very relaxed with no formal bowing or ceremony to start things off. Not sure how I feel about that aspect. Realizing that my objectivity is suspect right now, I think I’ll go try a class or two and see what I think.
Back in the apartment I made some egg salad for lunch (it was good) and then finished moving the furniture around. In the end I had to rearrange the spare bedroom (den) as well. Another three hours saw it 95% completed. Other than a sore lower back (the couch is HEAVY, with two recliners built into it) I am not hurting tonight. I am very tired however. Looking back at the day I think that was my agenda; to be physically exhausted rather then mentally and emotionally wiped out with physical energy to spare.
This evening I am acutely aware of how empty the apartment is without Michele physically here. Taz spends a lot of time with me, and on me which helps. And I am learning to sit on the couch or in the big chair so that Nekko will come visit me as well. Having the two of them is helping tremendously. I cannot imagine being here without any other living creature.
Yesterday also saw the completion of my transaction with the Cremation Society. I stopped by and picked up the copies of the death certificates and brought Michele’s cremains home. Her urn, covered with flowers and hummingbirds, is now on the mantle. I’m not sure how long I’ll leave it there. A part of me realizes that I need that physical presence here now but that in the future I may be less needful of it. The smaller urn with Abby’s remains are there too. This household now has three living souls and two ghosts.
Tomorrow I am planning on making a pot of spaghetti sauce. I need to get through my fear of doing things alone that Michele and I did together. She would want me to have our sauce and enjoy it. Maybe in a week or two I’ll attempt a cake.