On the archive page of this site, towards the top, is a running total of the words written here. Before this posting there were 199,050 words of content contained here. Somewhere in one of the next few postings will be word 200,000.
It is hard for me to believe that I have written this much in just a few years time. In school I hated writing assignments; a thousand page paper due on some topic was cause for dread and procrastination. Now there are times when I can barely type fast enough to capture the thoughts in my head. Sharing myself through this site has been an amazing experience for me. I have exposed some of my biggest failings, greatest fears, highest joys, and happiest moments. Knowing that anyone who wanted to could read these words has added import and power to them.
Having this electronic diary, if you will, has also allowed me to look back at events and relive the feelings I was having in the moment. It is surprising how often my memories of the event are vastly different than what I wrote at the time. The job losses and moves have figured large in my writing, as has the emotional and spiritual growth I’ve experienced in the last few years. And it goes without saying that the recent death of Michele has caused me to write more and more.
I always shared my new postings with Michele. Often I would call here from work when I’d had some new thought and captured it here. I would read it to her or listen to her read it, and our connection would be that much stronger and that much deeper. I like to think that because of the focus these words have in my mind as I write them, that my thoughts can bridge the gap between this place of existence and the one where Michele’s essence is now. While I can’t know she is “hearing” these words, I still feel like I am sharing them with her. The sense of validation I got from including her in this process is still strong and still important to me.
200,000 words down, millions to go.