November 15, 2005
I guess a part of grief is exhaustion. I find that I run out of energy very quickly these days; two hour naps upon arrival home from work are becoming the norm. Of course the first few weeks of this ordeal I was unable to sleep until I was utterly exhausted. Trying to go to bed before that state was reached only resulted in an internal slide show accompanied by a litany of questions for which there are no answers. Several times now I have resorted to taking 1/2 a Xanax which not only makes me a little drowsy, it keeps the demons of "what if" and "if only" at bay.
Tonight I had planned on attending the normal Tuesday workout at the new dojo, but even after a 2 hour nap I was still so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. Instead I had a meal of leftover meat loaf and potatoes, and then I took a hot soak in the tub. I've just finished a small bowl of chocolate ice cream and I am headed to bed. Hopefully to sleep long and peacefully.
Every night the we went to sleep at the same time Michele and I shared some endearments. It was a part of our daily ritual and I have missed it. The past week or so I have started saying my part softly in the darkness and listening in my heart for her responses. It has been helping, which makes the night time a little less daunting.