November 17, 2005
I reached a new low today. A series of seemingly small events culminating with a missed opportunity for lunch out with my coworkers left me in tears. I couldn’t think or respond to anything. In the past when the stresses of the day ganged up in me to leave me reeling like this I would grab my cell phone and call Michele. She was always there to give me a safe place to fall, always there to offer unbiased counsel, always there to tell me that I would be okay.
Today I desperately wanted to talk to her and I couldn’t. I have had the inclination to call her several times in the last 7 weeks, almost daily in fact. But this event was the most powerful in terms of the emotional impact it had on me. I had to leave the building and retreat to my car where I could try to center myself and regain some kind of hold on reality.
I have considered writing letters to her to express the things I can’t say out loud any more. Considering this is bittersweet at best, even though writing is a good outlet for me, knowing that she’ll never read my words has thus far prevented me from using this tool. I have noticed that my output on this site has increased in the past few weeks, so I am writing some. But I sorely miss the safe place to fall when the pressures of the day overwhelm me.