December 10, 2005
As hard as it is to imagine, I am actually lower today than I've been in the two months since Michele died. The threat of losing my job in a month has taken the one "stable" part of my life and, not only made it unstable, but made it the biggest threat I'm facing. Most days I have a hard time getting up and facing the day, now I have to find the desire to search for, interview and evaluate, and select a new client/employer/engagement?
I don't know how to do that. I mean I know how the process works, but I don't have any desire to even think about the steps. For the past couple of weeks I've been coasting along, pleased with having successfully navigated Thanksgiving, and giving myself a break before facing Michele's birthday and Christmas. Now I have to add to the stress of those events the stress of finding a new contract.
They say you shouldn't make major decisions when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. HALT. Well, I am angry (about two things now), as tired as I've ever been, and lonelier than I thought possible. And now I have to choose a new employment engagement. And choosing wrong means I'll get to do it again soon.
I want so badly to talk to Michele tonight. I want to talk to her all the time, but I really miss her wisdom and counsel when the shit hits the fan like it did yesterday. She was so good at giving me a place to vent all the frustrations, hurts, and madness that comes from being blind sided. And about goading me until I was truly done with my venting. Then she was able to help me see alternatives and strategies for moving forward. I feel very helpless without the safe place to fall or the wise counsel.
My attitude tonight is one of "I don't care" and that scares me a little because I know with the emotional period around her birthday and Christmas just a couple of weeks away it is only going to get worse before it gets better. If it gets better.
This is so very hard.