January 16, 2006
I am so mad at Michele these days. Everything I try to do seems to fall apart and she's not here to support me. Furthermore my inability to be coherent or focused is a result of her death. I feel as if she abandoned me and all the responsibilities of this life - left me holding the bag. All the bills, all the creditors clamoring for their money now only have me to focus on. And I don't have anyone to fall back on for support.
While a part of me wants to make excuses for her action of October 10th, I know that my default mode is to make excuses for the people I love when they let me down. I will defend her at another time, today I have to vent my anger before it consumes me. Her suicide leaves me with all the pieces to pick up, the bills, the cats, everything. And I don't have anyone in my life to turn to on a daily basis anymore. And I don't have a reason for continuing either. If not for Nekko and Taz and my inability to consider killing them before myself, I would follow Michele.
I am in so much pain; every minute of every day hurts. I feel like a wire that is stretched to its breaking point, only the wire is brittle too - the slightest touch will shatter it into a million pieces. I can't reach that part of my that was grounded and whole anymore. That part of me belonged to Michele, and when she died she took it with her. I no longer like who I am and I am very angry at Michele for taking away the life I loved.
What's left is a life I am not happy with, routines that only serve to fill empty hours, pointless meanderings through daily existence. I hope this gets better because I can't imagine anything that would be worse.
Michele, I am so fucking angry at you right now. You left me and now I have nothing. No reason to feel, no reason to care, no reason to be. You took away everything I was or wanted to be. How can I ever move on from this? It took me 20 years to find you. I compromised and grew, I molded myself into us - just as you did. I cannot conceive of ever being able to do that again. Or even wanting to. You left me in a way that has filled me with rage, sorrow, anguish, and fear. I'm increasingly taking my rage out on poor little Taz. I haven't hurt her - but I toss her to the ground and yell at her. I don't want to be mad at her - she doesn't do anything except love me. My anger is about you, not her.
Being this angry at you hurts me so much. I don't know how to express all the pain I've got. If you were here you'd sit across from me and wait until I popped the bubble and vented my upset. Then you and I would talk it through and I would feel better. Of course, if you were here I wouldn't feel this way, now would I?
Taz has returned to my arm as I type this one-handed. The spurt of anger that I exploded with a while ago; that precipitated this posting, has calmed now. And this incredible bundle of acceptance and love that is Taz, has forgiven me.
I love you Michele - but I am very angry with what has happened. Only by expressing it here do I feel I have any chance of letting it go before it drags me under.