January 16, 2006
In the several hours since my rage filled posting earlier today I have had quite a breakdown. Initially I started expending the energy from my repressed anger by cleaning up what has become the storage closet. The Saturday of New Year’s Eve I removed all of Michele work clothes and took them to Goodwill. Since then the closet and adjoining bedroom have been a shambles. I finished moving things around inside the closet and returned all the items I had strewn about the room. The closet is accessible again, and everything inside it is as well.
Burning off the energy helped to bring me down, in fact I crashed at bit. Sitting at my desk I felt weak and incredibly tired. I put my head down for a minute and woke up 20 or 30 minutes later, stiff from the hunched over position. I wanted to go lay down on the bed, but it was unmade as the sheets were in the dryer. It figures that after several days of putting off changing the bed that it would be unmade when I really needed to lay down.
Instead I crashed on the couch, which immediately attracted both cats. Nekko assumed her usual perch on the back of the couch, and Taz laid on my hip for a time, and then curled in the space behind my knees. I slept and dozed for maybe another 30 minutes before watching the latest episode of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” on the Tivo. I almost always get into the emotion of the show and this one was no different. I cried almost continuously throughout the program. I know that the tears weren’t so much about the family getting a new house but about releasing some of the toxin built up inside of me over the past 98 days. Writing my earlier posting expressing just the surface of my anger at Michele and this situation opened up the flood gates, and seeing a sentimental program helped me to release a lot of pent up emotions.
I feel cleansed now, if utterly exhausted. I was going to make fried rice for dinner which required a quick trip to the grocery for the carrots I forgot to buy two days ago, but I’m not sure if I can muster the energy to make the trip now. The emotional outpouring has moved me away from the anger center of my emotions and toward the middle once again. I have been resisting the idea of participating in a “survivors of suicide” group because I didn’t want to share this with anyone, because I felt my situation was different. Experiencing the anger “high” and crying “low” today has shown me that I do need to work on this outside of myself. As strong as I am, and as introspective as I can be, I am not enough by myself to overcome this trauma.
A quick search online turned up a survivor’s group nearby at a hospital. They meet once a month for 90 minutes. Their next meeting is the first week of February and I think I’ll attend.