March 20, 2006
One of the greatest gifts Michele gave me was the understanding that anger was okay. Growing up I had the idea that anger was something to be feared and avoided. As a young adult I was fearful of losing my temper, in a sense I thought that I would be hurt if I lost my temper, and worse, that the people around me would be hurt.
Michele showed me the err of my thinking. She literally provoked me in order to get me to lose my temper. She didn't wilt or go away in the aftermath, she wasn't hurt, and she didn't stop loving me. In the months that have passed since her death I am sorry to say that I have been avoiding some of my anger. Oh sure, I blow up and lose my temper but I haven't gotten under it to the root cause and expressed that anger.
This afternoon the walls I've erected around my anger came tumbling down. I wrote a powerful (in terms of release) posting and came to the realization that I was angry at Michele. Finally expressing that anger in a real, concrete way was incredibly cathartic. I know that having discovered the root of my anger is only the first step; a powerful first step to be sure, but only a beginning. Breaking through and allowing myself to express to her (as much as is possible) was a good start. Now I need to carry on and express all my emotions. Michele wouldn't have it any other way.