March 21, 2006
After my epiphany last evening regarding the root of my seemingly endless supply of anger I cried and cried. I haven’t been crying much lately, in fact, looking back over the past few weeks, I haven’t really been feeling much of anything for a while. It is obvious in the light of a new day that my anger was blocking the rest of my emotions and since I wasn’t expressing my anger truthfully, I wasn’t getting to anything.
The crying wasn’t gut-wrenching or anything, it was just a steady outpouring of pent up emotion. By the end of the evening there was even some laughter mixed in with the tears. A phrase that Michele and I used together throughout our relationship cropped up in a television show I was watching. It was delivered with the same dry whit she displayed. Hearing it made me suddenly feel light and free; it was a reward for having finally expressed my true feelings. In that moment I knew that Michele was letting me know that she understood my anger at her, that she was okay with it, and that she was proud of me for finally getting down to the truth of the matter.
I’m not done with my anger, or grief, or any of the other difficult emotions swirling around me in the wake of her death. But I have taken a huge step forward in processing them and accepting them. Without acceptance these emotions will always haunt me and trip me up. With acceptance their power over me will diminish and fade, and I can go back to being myself.