July 06, 2006
It has only been nine months since Michele died and already some of the memory contexts I’ve been using to keep the sound of her voice alive in my memory are failing. To be fair the urgency to hear her voice is falling off a bit too. In recent weeks I’ve been thinking more and more about the future, and while Michele will always be a part of me, she won’t be an (active) part of my future.
At times I still have an overpowering urge to call her on the phone. The impulse just happens and it always takes me by surprise when I realize anew that I can’t ever call her again. I still talk to her in the dark before going to sleep – this is the one context left where I can still conjure the sound of her voice in my ears. Early on, in my writing about all of this, I noted that there were parts of me that I lost as they existed solely in relationship to Michele. I’m discovering that there are new parts to me, new facets to my personality that she’ll never know.
Michele would never have wanted me to stay stuck in the past; were she here, she would encourage me to move on with the rest of my life. It seems that I am doing that without really setting out with that goal in mind. I’ve even started to think about dipping my toe in the relationship pool again. More in response to the fear of being alone forever than any other reason, but still considering it.
So I’m tearing down old contexts and starting to erect new ones. I don’t know what will come of this, and I’m not sure I need to know. It is enough, I think, to be moving forward.