January 27, 2001
If you are fortunate enough to be part of a couple do you ever think what it will be like when your companion dies? I'm not trying to be morbid here, just realistic. In my case my partner is older than I. We've talked and we both understand that she will in all likelihood precede me in death. This bothers both of us for different reasons.
I don't like it for all the obvious reasons and a few that aren't so clear. She hates it because she doesn't want me to have to face her passing alone. Its ironic that the greatest tragedy I will face in my lifetime is one that takes away the one person I would turn to for support.
I know that I love my wife dearly. At no time is this more painfully clear than when I am afraid for her. Thoughts of her hurt or sick wound me deeply. Thoughts of her death leave me almost incapacitated. I know that death is a part of this life. I believe that my life, this time, is about growth. Facing her death and overcoming my grief and sorrow will require tremendous growth. More so as I will face that challenge alone. Her lifetime is about acceptance this time. She has to accept that her passing before me is the necessary order of events.
Part of me looks forward to that time when she dies. The hurts and demons that have plagued her throughout her life will be gone. The beautiful little girl inside her will be free forever to walk soft and touch the moon.
I feel hugely guilty when I think this thought, but I know that death isn't forever. The essence that is my beautiful companion will return to a high plane. Until it is time for the next lesson, the next lifetime.
The rest of me is filled with sorrow at the thought of being alone in the world again.