September 10, 2002
It has been a rough couple of weeks. Michele, we believe, has finally entered menopause. This is a relief as the pre-menopause condition she had is finally over. However the final round of DUB left her very anemic and this has resulted in the worst case of edema she's experienced yet. The excess fluid in her body is making it very difficult for her to breathe. I have been doing chest and back percussion several times a day to help her clear the congestion from her lungs. Neither of us is sleeping well as a result, and we are both scared of the change in her condition.
I like to think that for all its discomfort this is a good sign, a sign that she is coming out of the DUB. But after 4 years of expecting one thing, to have a whole new set of symptoms is frightening at times. We have done lots of reading on the internet, comparing her symptoms to those of many scary diseases. Fortunately we have been able to eliminate all from the list of causes. Each time we come back to the fact that she is anemic, and as a result has edema. As her body catches up and rebuilds its blood supply both of these conditions will go away.
Emotionally we are both wrecks. Adding in a unhealthy dose of not enough sleep we are given to huge mood swings. So far we have managed to talk out our feelings and express our fears. I know that after 4 years of battling the DUB she is bone tired physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know there are times she considers what it would be like to end it all.
Part of me shrieks inside when we talk about her ending her own life. Another part wants her suffering to end so she can rest forever. We are skating along a very thin piece of ice; our balance is delicate these days. Our talks have helped us to stay on the solid side of the ice, but my greatest fear is that some new physical torment will present itself and push her beyond her ability to cope.
I want to believe that she will be okay, that in a few weeks her blood volume will be normal again and that her body will recovery. But I would be lying if I didn't say that my fear is she is dying, and that these are our final days together.