October 08, 2002
My earlier posting about feeling ADD seems to have opened the door to feeling depressed. I am spiraling down right now. I feel tired and listless, my focus is completely shot. I am having one problem after another here at work with my assigned tasks. Each problem feels like someone else is responsible, at least I want to make someone else accountable for fixing it.
I want to ignore all of this until the stress of it is gone. If I had my Palm here today I would retreat into reading the book loaded on it rather than working. I want to escape and not have to be adult and responsible. I am tired of every single day having to be responsible. I want to be care free. I want to do nothing and everything all at once. I want to spend money and buy all the large ticket items we want. I want to go home and just sleep and sleep. I am so tired right now. So drained and spent. What is the point of all this?
I know that I am here to learn and growth. I know that the essence that is me decided on the major events of this lifetime so that I would have opportunities to grow. So why am I stuck with all this meaningless bullshit here at work? Who cares about this application we are developing? In a few years I hope to move on to another job in another place. Why am I so driven to suffer through this here and now? What life lesson does coding object oriented applications hold? That I am a masochist?
I am so tired of it all.