June 30, 2003
I had a good cry yesterday afternoon about my whole employment situation. All the fears and worries I've got about my future came bubbling up to the surface and I came apart.
It started after Michele and I had spent a wonderful day together, including a roast turkey dinner and a trip to look at a potential job site for her. Our new kitten, Taz, was jumping all over my desk. She had managed to walk across the laptop keyboard in a way that caused it to lock up, forcing a reboot. I got very angry at her and stomped off through the house telling Michele that I needed to be away from Taz.
Of course this didn't work as Taz followed me to every room I went. Eventually I ended up on the couch, and when Michele found me there we talked. She pointed out that I looked very sad. When I tried to answer her the tears just came. I cried and cried. The release was tremendous. I talked about feeling like a failure at losing (maybe) yet another job. I was able to say to her that I was sorry for dragging us all over the country from job to job. I told her that I would understand if she wanted to go back to Tampa where she is professionally known so she could restart her career.
The release at saying all my stuff, and having a good cry in the process was immediate and profound. I felt lighter and better the rest of the day. I could see clearly again that we have many options and that the situation here isn't hopeless. Once again I learned the value of a safe place to fall. Without Michele to lean upon I would never have been able to sort through all my emotions about this and I would end up making the situation worse.
If you are fortunate enough to have someone special in your life that you can open up and come apart with without fear, then you are truly fortunate. I consider myself to be the luckiest man alive because I have Michele and her love to support me no matter what.
I lov eyou Michele. I truly, honestly love you.