September 06, 2003
I have been moody, morose, and feeling unfulfilled for some time now. From outward appearances my world is going in all the right directions. My employment situation is headed in a good direction, our finances are back under control. I have the love and companionship of a wonderful, beautiful woman; who is my friend as well as my true love. But at the end of the day I am not satisfied.
In the book "Messages from Michael" the ideas of "true work", "true play", and "true rest" are put forth. Without going into much detail here, I know that my true work is using computers to help people. I know that my true play is cooking and creating in the kitchen. However I have struggled with finding my true rest. I exercise, eat reasonably well and get enough sleep. Yet I am often tired and listless.
True rest isn't just about the physical, it is about the mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of our beings. Getting enough sleep and taking care of your physical body isn't enough. You have to feed your spirit, and give voice to your emotions too.
Michele and I talked about all this this evening. Today was my day to do what ever I wanted to take care of me. Originally I wanted to go to the movies. We spent the morning doing some household chores and then had a swim in the pool. Later we tried lunch out, but I had great difficulty in swallowing anything; always a sure sign that I've got some unmet need coming up to the surface. When it came time for the movie I decided I didn't want to go, rather I wanted to go window shopping at the electronics store and book store. Neither visit was at all fulfilling. At the end of the day I hadn't done anything that fulfilled all of me. I was still feeling antsy, and I was bone tired and grouchy.
As we talked I kept saying that I wanted to be creative and expressive but that I didn't know what form that expression would take. Maybe a musical instrument, maybe wood carving. Maybe needlepoint or painting. I just couldn't imagine what might meet this need. Then Michele, as she often does, helped me to see what was already working for me. Something I love to do, and hadn't been letting myself have much lately. Writing.
Yes, writing. Putting these postings on my web site has a wonderful calming effect on me. I like the whole process, from constructing the flow of words in my head, to capturing them here, to reading my thoughts again later. It is truly restful for me to do this. All my life I have loved well written books and stories. I delight in the images words can paint in my imagination. I enjoy finding the best words to describe things to others so that I can convey my thoughts to them.
I have always discounted my writing as silly or not important. I guess because it comes so easily to me I never thought it had any import. Michele's simple statement about my writing really struck home tonight. As we talked about it I could feel my self wanting to sit down and capture these thoughts. Just thinking about it made me feel better than I had felt in a long time. Giving myself permission to sit down and capture this posting has been a wonderful treat.
I don't know for certain that writing is my true rest. Only time will let me decide. But for now it is fulfilling, and rewarding, and I plan on giving myself every chance to rest my emotions, spirit, mind and body through this medium.