September 11, 2003
Periodically when we clean out our refrigerator we discover various tupperware containers whose contents have become biology science experiments. I spent a couple of hours this morning cleaning out my emotional deep freeze and ridding myself of a particularly smelly bit of emotional tupperware.
In talking to Michele about some of the issues we are both dealing with these days I discovered, quite to my dismay, that I am willing to emotionally manipulate her into taking action where I am afraid to act. This typically happens when I am faced with authority figures. Growing up I was never given a real chance to face authority figures on my own. My parents, through the best of intentions, often stepped in and dealt with situations I had created. Over time I came to expect that someone else would do the heavy lifting, or at least go first down the path.
In dealing with my family now, as and adult, I still fall into the habit of letting someone else go first. When that doesn't happen I try and manipulate the situation so that I don't have to be first. This is not something I am overly proud of, and my hope is now that I see it clearly I will be able to stop myself from doing it again.
The process to unearth this putrid bit of tupperware was exhausting. I came into work afterwards and I have felt almost feverish every since I arrived. My thoughts are sharp enough, but my response times are dulled and slow, and physically I feel like I've been tossed over a waterfall in a barrel. I did manage to complete a rather lengthy and tedious task on my to-do list so I feel good about the day. But now I am thinking I'd be taking better care of myself if I just went home and took a nap.