March 25, 2004
For the past week I have been dealing with the emotional fallout of losing my job. My wife and I have talked about many options, and many geographical solutions to this situation. No less than six states and two countries have been considered in our search for the next place.
With each new location there would be an initial rush of anticipation and even elation thinking we had found the answer that would suit us best. But each burst of elation was soon followed by another round of despair and hopelessness for me. I couldn't ever see us in any of these locations. I couldn't in my mind's eye imagine life there.
Each failed attempt to envision us in a new town, with a new job and life, pushed me further into depression. Thoughts about the meaning of this lifetime became very figure, and thoughts of finding a way to end this life started to fill my mind. I believe that each of us has lived many lifetimes in the past, and will live many more in the future. Our essence is here in this physical plane to learn lessons necessary to advance beyond this place of fear and anger once and for all. Maybe the lesson of this lifetime has been learned, and I can leave this frenetic and confused life behind for another.
This morning Michele and I again talked of new places and new adventures. Again I felt the sense of elation and anticipation that had accompanied each prior prospect. This time however, the elation hasn't faded as far or as fast. Perhaps my life lesson isn't over just yet. Perhaps there are still things to be gained here in this plane of existence.
Leaving is easy. It just means you are done with the trials and tribulations of this particular lifetime. Leaving before all the lessons your essence wanted from this lifetime merely means you'll get them again, more forcefully, in another lifetime. Staying is, at times, harder to do. It takes courage to admit you have more to learn. There is much good in my life this time, and I feel very connected to being here. Knowing that I can sever that connection when and how I choose, gives me the strength to continue.