Defeat

March 30, 2004

Today I am feeling defeat. The dozens of resumes I've sent out in the past 11 days haven't generated a single phone call or e-mail. The only places I've talked to were cold calls made to me based on my monster profile. Only one of those sounded promising, and it appears to have dried up.

All the while I have struggled to find the energy to get up every day. Struggled to find the will to keep going. I have had good moments, times when I think this will end for the better. Today is not one of those times.

In part I am recording these thoughts so that should I come out on the other side of this lesson I will be able to look back and remember. In part I am recording these thoughts because I am afraid they will be among my last.

I have worked so long and so hard to get to this station in my life, and all I can see stretched out before me is more work and more pain. All I see are more battles to fight, more losses, more hurt and confusion. And all I can think is why?

I know that I have a warrior soul. That I am attracted to battles, attracted to struggle. Maybe the point of this lifetime, of this lesson, is to walk off the battle field at a time and place of my choosing.

I am so tired of this all.

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Mark H. Nichols

I am a husband, cellist, code prole, nerd, technologist, and all around good guy living and working in fly-over country. You should follow me on Twitter.