December 05, 2004
The weight of daily existence is starting to wear me down. I've never done well in those times of my life where my focus was on the future or the past. I'm a present tense kind of person, and lately I just can't seem to find a connection to the present.
There are periods of time where the immediate task at hand helps to blot out my stress about the future, and my anguish over the recent past. Work has become a drug in a sense. I can numb myself to the harsh reality of my situation by immersing myself in the details and crap that makes up my current employment engagement. And the stress of the past few months has taken a toll on my energy level so that I collapse into bed at the end of the day and immediately fall asleep. The sleep isn't restorative or restful however, I'm not getting enough relaxation while I'm awake to get some beneficial sleep.
I felt very forced into my current situation, and I allowed certain aspects of it to happen without even attempting to participate. I've always believed that you have to let go and move with the flow of events around you, but that's different than giving up. In a sense I gave up when we moved to Kansas. I had worked so long and so hard to find work again, and then worked even harder to get us here that I created a false sense of momentum and direction. At first being in Kansas felt like it had a future, that we were going to be okay here. In truth I gave up when the last day in Springfield came and we had to leave all in a rush, all in a hurry. My engines flamed out then, it was only the forward speed I had built up that kept me going until now.
There have been brief moments of connection with my true self recently, connection that was the result of actively participating in my life again. I think that the impact of losing my job in March disassociated me from myself in a deeper and more profound way than I realized. It has taken me until now to start to feel connected to myself again. Only now am I able to really connect with my truth again, and only now am I feeling like I can direct my life again. I've started to focus on today and on the present more in the last few weeks. Gone are the long periods of hurt and bitterness over the events of last spring. And gone too, are the fears over the future. Or rather, gone is the intense focus on the future.
I need to care for myself here, now, in this moment. I have to discover my needs and fears and hopes and desires in this time and space. Once I do that, I can start to connect once again with that part of me that is capable and strong, wise and learned. Ignoring my immediate emotional or spiritual state blocks me from accessing my true power and ultimately only contributes to my feeling of helplessness. Recently I started to take a more directive role in my situation (the results of which I hope to expose here very soon now) and as a result I started to feel better.
I've got a lot of work to do to fully come back to myself, but I know how to accomplish this and I've successfully done it before. We are approaching a new year, and in a nice bit of synchronicity, the start of the tenth year I've had Michele in my life. It is time for a new beginning, it is time to reaffirm who I am. I stopped my world and got off for a while, now I'm ready and able to get back on.