October 21, 2005
I just yelled at my cat. She was curled up in my arms, being affectionate, trying to lick my face as that is how she shows love. And I yelled at her because I couldn't get her to stop. Unfettered love, acceptance without bounds when you are trapped in the depths of despair is hard to take.
My two cats are so simple and direct. They love me and accept me without hesitation or reservation. This is the kind of love I used to get from Michele. And now that safe harbor is gone forever. I yelled at Taz not because of what she was or was doing, but because I miss the connection to Michele, I miss the love I got from her.
At some level I know that some day I will feel love again. But today there is a huge sea of grief separating me from who I was, and who I long to be again. The shoreline of my life is now uncharted and unfamiliar, the voyage home will be long and difficult. But I know it is possible. All I need do is weather the current storms of gloom and agony.