November 01, 2005
Like ever other person on the planet I have some control issues. Each issue represents a boundary or limit that I am uncomfortable with having violated. Some are fairly minor, almost insignificant. Others, to me at least, are show-stoppers that leave me reeling when crossed. One of the aspects of my relationship with Michele that was very powerful and also soothing for me was being able to talk openly about the feelings of helplessness, rage, or displacement that occurred when my control issues were stepped upon.
As I sink further back into the normal daily ebb and flow of work I am finding myself increasingly frustrated at no longer having a safe place to sort out the immediate (and often times inappropriate) response I want to have when I feel my limits or boundaries tested. Gone is the refuge of stepping outside for a call to Michele, gone is the safe place to fall and to let the hidden hurts be comforted and healed. I have only myself to rely on now.
I have never felt more alone and more isolated than I do right now. And the bitterest irony is that I want to call Michele and talk to her about it so I can bring myself back to solid ground.