Envy

February 18, 2006

One of the undercurrent emotions I've been surprised to deal with in the midst of my grief is envy. In retrospect I suppose it isn't so surprising, after all, every where I look there are people who have what I don't.

Companionship.

It's in the lunch time conversation about the difficulties of traveling for work and having to spend evening meals alone. I spend all my meals alone; sometimes I skip a meal just to avoid Michele's empty space.

I'm jealous of the birthday dinner a coworker is having with their family. Living apart from a family that doesn't go to any effort to celebrate birthdays, and now living alone, means I am now faced with spending my next birthday alone.

Envy rears as I watch couples together in the bookstore, or movie, or grocery store. And that envy turns to anger when I see them acting rudely towards each other. Don't they know their connectedness is fragile and precious? That what is here in this minute can be gone in the next?

I am envious of all of you who have some one to love, some one to hold, some one to be with.

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Mark H. Nichols

I am a husband, cellist, code prole, nerd, technologist, and all around good guy living and working in fly-over country. You should follow me on Twitter.