February 21, 2006
For whatever reason this evening, my mood is up for a change. I'm not really sure why tonight should be any different than any other night, but it is; not that I am complaining. When my mood is upbeat I feel lighter and better.
My awareness of the reality of my situation hasn't diminished, I'm just not in a place where it is totally figure. I think our minds periodically take a break from huge amounts of stress as a self preservation tactic. It almost as if we disassociate from reality just for while to protect the fabric of our sanity from ripping. I'm making good use of my mood, doing some chores that I've been putting off for a while. Little things that actually take good care of me but that I've been neglecting out of ennui.
Part of it, I think, is not looking too far ahead. Most days it is enough to just see the day and no more. When I start to think about the future is when I start to get really down. Tomorrow is an unobtainable fantasy. Always looking towards the next day, whether you think it will be better or worse than today, is not living. It's waiting. For now I need to live, and live in the moment. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.