March 29, 2006
Regarding my pique at being invited over to someone's house for the first time, and my initial reaction of "why now?", I think I came to a better understanding about it last night in group.
While I have been over to other friends houses since Michele's death, this is the first brand new relationship I've experienced on my own. It has the potential to be something good, and it is hard to accept something good when I'm alive and she isn't. Going over to a new friend's house for dinner, meeting their spouse, is movement forward, away from Michele. I know deep down that I need this movement, but it is very difficult to accept. In a very real sense this is another nail in her coffin, it is consciously choosing to leave her behind.
New is good, movement is good. Coming to terms with my need for it, and my willingness to move out from the place I share with Michele, to explore and test, is difficult. I know that Michele will never truly leave me, I carry a part of her in my heart at all times; the man I am today is colored and shaped by the influences we had on each other during our relationship. Even if I were to develop a hundred new relationships I would still have Michele inside of my memories. I just have to get over the shock of reentry into the pool of life after staying huddled on my little rock of despair all winter.
Saying it all out loud to the group did ultimately trigger my understand explained above, so I got what I needed. I just miss the shared wavelength that Michele and I used to communicate so effortlessly.