I Feel Defeated

May 11, 2006

Today has been a particularly tough day. I feel defeated on all fronts, and it feels like there is no where to turn for relief or even respite.

After lunch I took one of the team leads aside at work and admitted to him that due to my emotional situation I was not making much progress on my assignments. Keeping focused for more than a few minutes is almost impossible for me now, and finding motivation in an environment my seemingly healthy colleagues find stressful, is not happening. He was very understanding and we agreed that there are some more rote tasks I can tackle while people with a spark left in them take on the more creative tasks. I felt utterly defeated to admit that I'm not getting my work done. Moreover I feel like I'm letting a lot of people down. Michele would counsel me that it took a lot of strength and courage to face this truth and share it with others, especially at work. While that mitigates my pain somewhat, I still can't help but feel like I've failed.

A few minutes ago I spoke to my father and learned that my mom is losing ground faster now. She slept most of the day yesterday and is unable to get around with the cane anymore. She can get by with the walker but only just. Hospice is coming in the morning to evaluate her and to lay in a supply of pain medications to combat the increasing levels of pain mom is having. I'm too tired emotional and physically to make another trip this weekend, which means I have to accept the possibility that last weekend's visit was the last time I might see her alive. I've known all spring that one of these trips would be the last one. While I am prepared to accept that, and I have made my peace with her, I am not at all ready for the new onslaught of emotion that will come with her death.

I just want to collapse in bed and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone and yet I want people to call so I won't be alone. I need the structure of work to keep me going but I can't stand being there, and I feel like I'm breaking all the rules when I just sit and stare at my screen for hours at a time. I want to go to Decatur to be with my mom, and I don't want to see her like this anymore. I want Michele to be here to comfort me and hold me and make it okay. I am spent, worn out, and exhausted.

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Mark H. Nichols

I am a husband, cellist, code prole, nerd, technologist, and all around good guy living and working in fly-over country. You should follow me on Twitter.