June 28, 2006
One of the books I'm currently reading is all about the tipping point; that place in the lifetime of a thing where a phase transformation occurs. For example the tipping point between liquid water and ice occurs at 32 degrees Fahrenheit. (I've only just started the book so my understanding and example maybe a bit off.) There's been a tipping point recently in my life it seems.
While the center of my focus for months now has been continuing to cope with Michele's death combined with preparing for, and now dealing with, my Mom's death, I have also been inching towards the future. For reasons I'm not going to divulge here, a phase transformation has taken place in my emotional center. The barriers I had erected to keep any thoughts of future relationships at bay have been breached.
I'm not entirely sure how to proceed, but I do know that I'm not going to be happy just sitting inside my cave and moping forever. I'm also a bit hesitant about this new found elation, wondering when it will end, and wondering how far I'll fall when it does. My emotions have been so low for so long that having anything approaching normal is startling and odd.
Perhaps the oddest part is discovering that I can day-dream about the future without feeling tremendously guilty about leaving Michele further behind. I had a very good talk with her best friend, and one of my best friends, L the other evening, and she assured me that everything I was thinking and feeling was normal. She also assured me that Michele would want me to move on and find new happiness in my life.
As Michele would put it, when you are an anteater you have to go forth and suck ants.