In The Last Year
Oct 10th, 2006 by mark
In the last year of my life:
- Michele committed suicide after receiving a diagnosis of cancer
- My mother’s lung cancer returned and was diagnosed as inoperable, untreatable, and terminal
- After surviving with grace and dignity twice as long as predicted, my Mom passed away peacefully at home.
- The acts of closure I engineered with my Mom not only gave me a measure of peace with her death, it ameliorated the residual unfocused emotions from Michele’s death.
- A deeper, more respectful relationship with my father began. I am closer to him now than ever.
- I joined eHarmony wanting to find someone to spend my life with
- A relationship, with someone I’d like to spend the rest of my life with, developed
- Nekko became ill and has been diagnosed with diabetes
It has been one helluva year.
I have more up days than down now, and my thoughts are primarily focused on the future. I’m aware of the past and of some pieces of flotsam and jetsam bobbing along in my wake, but my direction is forward, onward, upward.
Recently I have been asked by several people close to me, “what are you going to do?” in reference to this first anniversary. I was never able to come up with an answer, either for myself or for them. At least until this past weekend. You see, I always took the question to mean what am I going to do with regards to Michele, and not with regards to me. Finally I realized that, to put it bluntly, Michele is dead, any thing I do should be with regard to me.
This past weekend I did what I wanted; nothing huge or elaborate, just activities that pleased me. Dining out, watching a movie, participating in a martial arts workshop, seeing a piano concert, meeting new people - ordinary things. Things that were life affirming, things that made me feel good inside, things that made me feel alive inside. That they were all shared made them all the better.
I’m alive. Moreover, I feel alive. I’ve found peace and calm within myself, and I am enjoying life. There are challenges to be sure - there always will be challenges. I am ready to face them, ready to venture forth and explore.
It has been one helluva year - in the end, I think, a good year.
