May 24, 2007
Next Monday will mark the one-year anniversary of my mom's death, and for the past few days I have been acutely uncomfortable. Nothing big, or easy to put into words, just a feeling of being antsy, itchy to do something and yet too tired to move. Uncomfortable in my own skin.
At some level of consciousness I knew it was related to approaching anniversary but I didn't want to look at that fact, or even think it for fear that it would overwhelm me. Grief has stalked me for such a long time now that I am weary of leering grin creeping into even the sunniest days and moments. However, ignoring it won't make it go away; pushing the emotions down only causes them to come out sideways. Facing her death again, head on, is the only way to move through this emotional doldrums and on to the fresh, moving air on the other side.
Last night was the worst and I eventually dissolved in to a pile of tears. Crying was a good release and I actually felt better as a result. Again, lessons I already know but are reluctant to act upon. The tears are cathartic but exhausting. Actually what is exhausting is holding everything in, when the dam bursts and the tears come you get to relax and the exertion you've been under finally goes away. I slept deeply and peacefully last night and feel better today.
In the coming days I want to do somethings to acknowledge my loss and to remember Mom. Perhaps making a cheesecake they way she did. Some kind of ceremony. Memorial Day weekend indeed.