My statistics page tells me that zanshin.net has been viewed just over 30,000 times since late September. I’m averaging about 5,000 page views a month.
That’s pretty cool.
What it doesn’t account for is the number of “page views” that are the result of referrer spambots. Even using the “rel=nofollow” tag convention subscribed to by all the major search engines hasn’t slowed the steady attempts to use my site for their slimy purposes.
Still 30,000 page views is 30,000 page views.
It has been one year since I lost my contract in Illinois. As I sit here this morning it is hard to believe it has been just a year. Seems more like ten years.
The past twelve months have been unbelievably hard for both of us. Depression has been our constant companion and nemesis. For every small triumph there has been a constant nagging feeling that we were just throwing bricks into the Grand Canyon.
Throughout it all we have had each other; and without each other Michele and I never would have survived this ordeal. Even today, with a contract on the house (87 days or less until it is off our backs), my career looking up, and Michele’s teaching taking off, it is hard not to feel a sense of loss. We are living in an apartment not a house. We have no savings left and will owe a considerable amount of money once the house is sold. We are literally starting over at ground zero.
Only, we aren’t starting over with nothing. We have each other, and we have a lifetime’s experience to guide us. Some of the lessons we’ve learned were costly and painful; but they were learned. We are older and wiser and focused on ourselves.
Personally I have come to realize that I have no control at all over anything. I can’t control my job, my family, even my wife is ‘beyond my control.’ However, and this is the important part, I can control how I choose to react to the stimulus’s in my life. For example, I can choose to be upset about happenings at work, or I can choose to be serene and not fall into the trap of thinking I can control what lies outside of me.
One the first postings I ever made to this site has been figuring prominently in my thinking lately. Our Four Agreements is my version of the serenity prayer. The last 365 days has been a post-graduate course in not taking anything personally.
366 days ago my world was safe and secure. I was unaware of the coming turmoil and stress. I don’t know what I would have done had I been given a chance to look ahead - knowing what was coming would have made this all the harder. Today I have no idea what tomorrow, or the next 365 days, holds for me. I can choose to dwell on the future and worry about it, but I know from this past year that all the worry in the world can’t control the world. Instead I choose to live in this moment; I choose to accept this moment for what it is and nothing more.
After months of no activity on our house for sale in Illinois we suddenly find ourselves at the center of a small “bidding war.” Last weekend we received an offer, and after a round of verbal bidding and counter bidding, agreed to a contract. The prospective buyers have to sell their home first, so the contract contains a contingency. The terms of the contingency allow them 24 hours to remove it should we get another offer.
Today we got that other offer. Its only for a few hundred dollars more than the original offer, but the closing date is sooner and this second offer has no contingency. To make the second offer extremely interesting it is from a long time friend of mine, a former work mate.
We accepted the second offer and immediately faxed back the paperwork to the realtor. She has informed the original buyers and we are now waiting to see what they’ll do. If they remove their contingency and go for a bridge loan we’ll complete the deal with them. If they back out, then my friend will get the house. Either way we get it off our backs.
By this time tomorrow we’ll know one way or the other.
Throughout our lives we encounter people and situations that alter us. Emotions, physical sensations, and thoughts all combine to leave new perceptions of the world around us. Over time our perceptions become a set of filters through which the real world passes before becoming our own personal reality. Obviously the oldest and perhaps strongest of these filters come from childhood. Your parents and immediate family members are the people you have the most contact with; and that contact comes at a time when we are un-molded clay, still pliable and unresistant to change.
From my life experience I have developed several filters that control how I respond to people who are officious and passive-aggressive. If the person I am interacting with is in a position of authority (real, or projected on my part) then the application of this filter is swift and often detrimental to my well-being. In other words, I revert back to the set of emotional responses and cognitive processes I had when the filter was created. If the filter was made at a time when you were healthy and stable, the result of its application will most likely be positive. If the filter stems from events when you felt out of control, or helpless in any way; its application will result in a return of those feelings. The filter I have developed for officious or passive-aggressive authority figures leaves me feeling invalidated, unheard, and angry.
I want to lash out at the person I perceive as treating me this way, when in reality I am reacting to the stimulus of the filter and not the person. Maybe the person is truly officious, maybe not. Only by stepping back far enough from the situation to see the filter and the person separately, can I identify whether they are truly the way I perceive. And only then can I choose how I wish to respond.
Like dark sunglasses protect us from ultra-violet radiation, our perception filters shade us from unwanted or harmful situations. Only by taking the sunglasses off can we see the real colors of the world around us. And only by carefully examining our responses to people or situations can we learn to identify our metaphysical dark glasses, so we can remove them and see the true colors of our own personal reality.
I am seriously considering making maps.google.com my new default home page. Every time Google releases a new beta of this or that I have to wonder what else they have cooking in the R&D department.
The Network Solutions “whois” record for zanshin.net indicates that it was originally registered on February 20, 1996. Nine years ago yesterday in other words. In terms of real significance this doesn’t amount to much, but it does represent a fifth of my life. Oddly enough, this nine year span almost exactly matches the time I’ve known Michele and had her as a part of my life.
So happy birthday, Zanshin; many happy returns.
Ned knew that she and a young man had been courting, and he believed her tears must have resulted from something he had said or done.
from The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson
My desk is littered with books, so it was difficult to select the one that was “next” to me. This one was closest and on top of the pile. If you care to play along, here are the instructions:
A year later and we are still victimizing Janet Jackson for “her” wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Superbowl. Seems to me that Janet didn’t pull on her costume revealing her breast - Justin Timberlake did. Why isn’t he ever mentioned in any of the hand-wringing stories about this incident?
I’ll tell you why - because in this country we are taught that men are never the problem, and certainly never the victim of circumstance. Even if the whole event had been staged by both Janet and Justin ahead of time, he would still be fifty percent responsible in my eyes. To read about it then or now you’d think that Janet did a lascivious strip tease that lasted for 20 minutes while the entire nation was forced to watch, their television remotes suddenly non-functioning; ruining the moral character of tens or hundreds of thousands of impressionable children. When in fact her breast was exposed for all of 1 second, and only those people who did an internet search for enhanced still images of the few frames of video got to see anything of detail.
The puritanical streak in this country runs at odd angles to the truth of this country. We piously pretend to be shocked and appalled by the momentary exposure of a woman’s breast on television, but are totally accepting of the two soft porn commercials selling beer or automobiles that sandwich this scene. We can’t talk about or visually show sex in public, but we use it in nearly every advertisement in the country. We refuse to allow open, frank, and honest education about human sexuality in our schools and then we are appalled at the numbers of pre-teens and teens actively engaged in intercourse.
The United States tries to pass itself off as moralistic and “Christian” when in truth we are far from either stance. The continued vilification of Janet Jackson as being the sole responsible party for the half-time show at the 2004 Superbowl is just one small example of the willingness, eagerness even, of our society and media to find a simple (you’ll excuse the expression) titillating explanation for everything - even if that explanation is complete wrong. Just look at the every changing justification for our preemptive invasion of Iraq.
Until we as a people stand up and demand that our leaders and our media start treating us like adults, and start presenting us with the truth and not some pseudo-moralistic hype, we will continue to approach everything as lurid and unwholesome, unfit for consideration - even the truth. The truth isn’t lurid, or anti-Christian, or anti-patriotic. The truth is just the truth.
Was it unfortunate that two performers managed to sneak the entire nation a peek at a woman’s breast on television? Yes.
Is this incident the end of western morality and civilization? Hardly.
Do we need to stand up and take America back from the forces that would have us believe that finding victims and attacking them (Janet, Iraq, et cetera) is the only way for the only remaining superpower to behave?
Only if we want to truthful, honest adults in the world.
One of the many debates approaching near religious zeal in the Apple camp revolves around the continued one-button form factor Apple uses for their mice and track-pads. In order to access right-click menus or functions one must utilize the “CTRL” key or use a third-party mouse.
Today’s PowerBook refresh, while adding slight processor upgrades, Bluetooth 2.0, and a high base memory configuration, adds scrolling via the track-pad.
Last weekend we picked up a Kansas City Star to see the real estate ads, mostly to see what kinds of house were for rent or sale in town. There was a story on the front page of the real estate section about an open house at a development of maintenance-free, ranch style condos. So we planned to go a see the place this weekend.
Today, after a new mouse purchase and lunch out at Sweet Tomatoes, we ventured to the far east side of the KC metropolitan area, to Lee’s Summit, to see the homes at Courchevel. During our initial drive around we saw one that was for sale by owner and, after calling the posted number, we got a tour from the owner.
The house was very nice, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, a den/office, sun room, and 2 car garage. High vaulted ceilings, tile flooring in the entry and sun room, and a laundry room off the back entry. While the home was attached to its neighbors, one attachment was via the garage, and the other common wall was either kitchen, pantry, or laundry area. The kitchen was airy and well laid out. In a word we were impressed.
We then visited the office and asked to see the various models. While they had a floor plan that was larger, and one that was smaller, the one we liked was one we had seen for sale privately. The only differences buying from the developer would be (a) no prior owners, and (b) some control over carpet color and cabinet finish. The one available from the developer backs up to a green area and steep slope owned by the developer. It is not to be developed so we’ll never have a neighbor behind us.
Before we left we filled out a contract and made arrangements to leave an ernest money deposit tomorrow. They have a “family member” clause that allows us seven days to back out with no obligation. So tomorrow when people ask what we did over the weekend I can say, “we bought a house.”
Oh. My. God.