The world’s fastest personal computer.
Remember a few days ago when Senator Orrin Hatch decided that software piracy was punishable by destruction of computers? Well a bored and unemployed System Admin in Houston smelled a rat when he was rooting through Hatch’s website source. As it turns out Sen. Hatch is a common software pirate himself." (originally on slashdot)
I current work as an independent consultant for the Illinois Department of Human Services. I have been on contract here since October 2000. The state elected its first democrat governor in 24 years last November and life has been very interesting ever since.
The new governor has made no bones about making drastic cuts in spending in order to combat a 4.8 billion dollar budget deficit. One of his targets is consulting; Governor Blagojevich claims that the state is spending “two to three time the market rate” for its 512 consultants. Using figures his office published it appears that the state is spending $72 million a year for these 512 people. This works out to roughly $70 per hour per consultant. The state also says that the fully loaded cost of a full-time employee is $50 per hour. No wonder the state has a budget deficit, they think that 70 is “two to three times” greater than 50.
As a consultant I understand that my time at any client is limited. Get in, do the work, get out. I’m fine with this style of working. I have been a consultant since 1997 and I have worked for manufacturing, government, and private industry in that time. In each case it has been understood that when the project was completed I would move on to something else.
At IDHS the project isn’t completed, but since the state is broke they need to let us go anyway. Okay. So why then, did I get a call today from a Chicago-based recruiter looking for my skill set for a large, multi-year project in Springfield? The recruiter admitted that it was for IDHS, further he said that his firm will get new 3-year contracts provided they can bid their resources at 15-20% less than the current contracts.
I haven’t been offered a chance to re-bid myself at a lower rate. In fact I have been given 90 days (500 hours) notice; my contract was extended “while we sort out what happens next.” It appears from my phone call today that the extension was merely to keep staffing in place while new people could be contracted and brought into the fold. Unfortunately the Forte (Sun UDS) community is small and getting smaller all the time. I have talked to two firms this week (one I called, and the one that called me today) about Forte work in Springfield.
I explained that I would be happy to switch my contract in order to keep working here. I really don’t want to relocate again if I can avoid it. The recruiter was going to double-check that he can work with me. He knew for certain that he couldn’t poach state-employees for this contract, but he wasn’t sure if he could work with someone already in place.
This, of course makes perfect sense, why would you want to contract a resource with several years of problem-domain knowledge, advanced levels in the various tools used, knowledge of the people and community, and already living in the area?
The only conclusion I can draw is that it isn’t about the money. And that powers that be in the state aren’t concerned with continuing the same level of support. They are interested in replacing anyone who was brought in under the preceding Republican administrations.
I guess I should get a big red “R” and pin it to my shirt everyday so that everyone will know I am an undesirable.
My short term employment future is looking better. My contract extension was picked up by the State so I am good for another 500 hours starting July 1st. However, my contract bid for a year long contract at another agency failed. The winning bid was less than half of my offer.
Being so far up one day and so far down the next has put me in a reflective frame of mind. I find myself trying to see this whole series of events not as obstacles but rather as an opportunity for me to grow. If I were to take the view point of many of my fellow consultants this the beginning of dark times. When I am at work it is very hard not to get sucked into that perspective.
When I am away from work I find it easier to see the whole picture and not just the fear based parts. Nothing is firm yet so acting as if this is all a done deal and reacting to it is foolish. Ignoring it altogether is just as foolish. Perhaps the correct response lies in a combination of the extremes.
I am not going to respond out of fear of the unknown. Jumping the gun will only hurt me as I would be running away from my fears rather than embracing them. I am also not going to hide my head in the sand hoping this will all blow over. I’ve opened myself up to alternate possibilities and I am focusing on what I want for me and my life. If something comes along that feels right I will act on it.
I believe that this is a life-test I created for myself. I need to have faith in my emotions as well as my intellect in order to succeed. I need to listen to my spiritual voice as well as the voice of reason. If I can stay balanced within myself, I will find a place in reality that is balanced for me.
I had another major throat episode last evening. We had Chinese takeout and I was forced to go to the bathroom three times. This almost never happens any more unless I am really avoiding something. After I was back at the table the last time we talked about it a little and Michele offered a suggestion as to what might be the cause. It isn’t about some issue that I am avoiding, or any unexpressed emotion on my part. It is about the general atmosphere here at work. People here are scared, angry, inward, worried, and just generally zooey. Even though I am working daily to center myself and to deal with my emotions, I am subject to the toxicity here.
Imagine working in a place where no one knows what is going to happen. You know change is coming, but you don’t know how dramatic it will be, or when it will occur. Everyone is going a little crazy, some are angry and tense, others seem fatalistically resigned to the outcome. What little comradeship that existed in the past has been shattered by the fractioning of groups by the uncertainty of what maybe coming. Everyone wants to talk at once, but no one says anything real. It’s all rumor, innuendo, and false allegations.
Coming into this place everyday is tearing me apart inside. I want to connect with these people at a real level but they aren’t capable of that now given the circumstances. My views and concerns feel unimportant when I share them, no one wants to listen anymore. Everyone wants to talk and dump their stuff, and they want it validated by me. However, I feel as though no one will validate my feelings.
So I come into work and slowly cook in this toxic stew of unexpressed emotion and then I go home and try to have a normal life there. Only I haven’t been able to because I haven’t been taking care of myself around the baggage I’ve picked up from my work environment. I need to focus some of my energy on dealing with the contamination I am getting just by being here.
I am good at taking care of myself emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually once I know what rocks I am carrying. Until last evening I wasn’t aware of the toxic rock I was getting here at work everyday. Now I can focus some energy on not picking that rock up anymore. And I will then be able to come back to me.
Tonight for the first time in weeks I had a fairly major throat episode. I have been doing much better managing my Shotski’s ring of late, but this evening it took three trips to the bathroom and a complete emptying of my stomach before I was able to relax and eat. When my throat reacts this way it is always a sign that I am holding something back. I am figuratively swallowing something I don’t want and my body reacts by clamping down on my throat.
After I returned from the bathroom Michele tried to draw me out a bit to see what might be causing my anxiety. I wasn’t very responsive and we moved on to other subjects. Through out the evening I was focused on the negative aspects of our new kitten. Dinkus, as she is called, is full of energy and attitude. At one point in the evening she walked across my laptop keyboard causing the Mail application to open a new window for each and every piece of mail in the current folder. I was forced to shut down my computer in order to regain control of it. My anger reaction to this upset me as I am not normally that volatile.
After going to bed my wife and I were bombarded by our little Dinkus. She was everywhere on the bed at once. Chasing her tail, nipping at our hands, under the covers, on the covers, and on and on and on. I grew very short with her and unceremoniously dropped her on the floor. I felt like I was ready to explode. My beautiful, incredible wife put her hand on my chest and asked what was going on.
The dam inside me burst and I poured out a torrent of fears big and small. I cried and described how out of control I felt about our situation. I railed against the unfairness of it, and I talked about how helpless I feel. Not knowing what will happen is taking an emotional toll on me. One that I need to heed and vent or I will pay a steep price. I feel as thought I am walking a thin line between being okay with this and slipping into a deep depression. I know that by talking about it and letting my anger and tears out I will be able to stay safe. And yet when I think about talking about it I become afraid that it won’t do any good and I keep my fears inside.
Ultimately I know that I do have control over what I do and how I react to this situation. The trick is knowing that in the moment. At home it is easy to look back at the events of the day and put them into a perspective that I can live with. It’s when I am at work, in the midst of a sea of uncertainty, fear, and anger that I can’t see things from my perspective. I get caught up in the mood of the day.
I am truly fortunate that Michele is here for me. She gives me a safe place to fall, a safe place to let my guard down and cry. Without her I would not be able to face this situation and be true to myself. Deep inside me I know that is the real lesson here ~ being true to myself regardless of the current situation. In the tear-washed clarity that follows a night like tonight I can see my truth clearly. And the memory of that insight is what will carry me through the next valley, until I can see myself again.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, when I was in high school I was fortunate enough to learn basic programming via a TTY teletype terminal, optical scan cards, and time sharing with a local manufacturing companies mainframe.
The Greene County (North Carolina) Board of Education unanimously endorsed a plan Monday night that would provide iBooks to every student and teacher in the middle and high schools, according to a <a href=http://www.kinston.com/Details.cfm?StoryID=11706" target="_blank">Kinston.com article. Under the project, the school system will buy 1,783 computers for grades 6-12.
Can you imagine going to school and being handed a brand new iBook to use for the school year? Being able to run a program or two a week via time sharing was enough to spark an interest in technology that is still burning strong in me. To have a whole computer of my own at age 12 just boggles my mind.
I am having a crisis of faith this morning. My employment situation is such that I may have to find a new job soon. It has been almost three years since I found my current position. In that time the technology that I have been using recently has gone from a cutting edge, in demand skill; to a little heard of dead-end.
My entire career has been based on staying current with new technologies and trends. I have always managed in the past to sense when it was time to shift to a new area, and I have always managed to improve my skill set and advance my career as a result. Now, for the first time, I feel like I am faced with entering the job market without any one outstanding qualification. I am not current in the latest trendy technology skill.
When I look at the requirements for jobs listed on Dice or Monster I start to question why anyone would want to hire me. I know that I need to stop thinking of myself as a programmer and start thinking of my self as a project leader or manager. I have done those jobs in the past and I have excelled at them. But it was always an outgrowth of the situation I was in; I have never gotten a job where my base responsibility was that of leader or manager.
If I could find another job using my technical skills I would be very confident of myself and my ability to accomplish the job. While I am confident of my leadership skills I start to lose faith in my ability to use them when I consider marketing myself as a leader. When I have marketed myself as having this or that techie skill I have been able to back up my claims; I can talk the talk and I can walk the walk. When I start to market myself as a leader I get nervous because I have not walked the walk as much as I’d like.
Sure, I have come into more than one new job situation as a tech resource only and rapidly grown into a leader and manager. In those situations I had time as a programmer or engineer to learn the company, to see the lay of the land. Coming in as a manager would rob me of that opportunity. I would have to hit the ground running and learn the lay of the land while simultaneously leading the way across it.
In my mind I need to start seeing my leadership skills in the same light as my programming, designing, or testing skills. I have a viable, marketable skill as a leader. I understand people, I excel at seeing the big picture and translating it into workable requirements and goals for others. I am very good at communicating with everyone, and I can explain complex issues to people, technical and non-technical alike.
I know I can do the job if I am given a chance. I am afraid that I won’t be given the chance. If I don’t express my fears about this then they will be apparent to anyone I talk to about employment. There won’t be a flashing neon sign over my head proclaiming to the world that I am unsure of myself. But there will be sense of something left unsaid that the other person will sense. And not knowing what they are sensing will create a gap in their understanding. Being human they will fill that gap with their own fears, and in the end I won’t get an offer.
Only by talking about my fears can I address them in a safe place and time. If I know what my fears are and how to comfort myself around them, then I can face the challenge of moving my career in a totally new direction. I will be able to approach employers with confidence and truth rather than need and hope. I won’t be making them responsible for taking care of me.
That is the key here: I am responsible for me. If I go to a situation expecting the other side to take care of me I will fail. I must discover my fears and doubts and learn how to comfort myself around them. Once I have done that then I am not bringing my needs to the table. Instead I am coming to the table as an equal, as a positive force, as someone who has faith in himself.
My wife now has her own blog and her own site. For years as a therapist, when confronted with a patient who would claim, “I don’t know,” to questions, she responded with a question of her own. “And if you did know?”
Today she is undergoing a journey into herself. She is chronicling her thoughts as she moves along her path. Today she is asking herself, “And if you did know?”
You can read along in her diary here: andifyoudidknow.com. Or you can click on the “michele” link on the menu to your left.
We have a new cat in our household. Her name is Dinkus. She’s a 3-month old black-on-white tabby with a pink nose. We brought her home from the Animal Protective League shelter yesterday afternoon. Going from a smallish 4 foot cage there to our 1800 square foot house filled her with energy. She spent much of the evening racing about in her new space.
Our other cat, Nekko, is less than amused at this new intruder. Their initial meeting was accompanied by hissing and spiting. Seeing as how Nekko is all of 16 pounds, and Dinkus is a mere pound or so, it hardly seemed fair to leave the two of them to themselves over night. However, we know from past experience that there is little we can do to ease their introduction to each other.
Unlike Nekko, Dinkus spent her first night elsewhere in the house. Nekko scaled the side of the bed and spent her first night climbing back and forth on top of Michele and I. Given that she had needle sharp front claws then this made for a painful night. As Dinkus still had her front claws yesterday we were grateful to not have her in the bed with us all night.
She is at the vet today getting her ears cleaned and her front claws removed. We get to bring her home for good tomorrow. I’ve got some digital pictures that I’ll try and post soon.