It appears that my continuing struggle with the decision whether or not to return to active workouts in karate really stem from a need to teach. Over the holiday weekend, Michele and I had several long discussions, one of them centered on my desire to help people around me.
I have always had an insatiable curiosity about the world around me. I love learning how things work, and I get great satisfaction from explaining my understanding to others. I have always been able to digest seemingly disparate chunks of information and return meaningful, coherent combinations to others.
When I was instructing at the dojo I was able to find the words and examples to reach nearly everyone I taught. Each person responded to different stimuli, and the thrill for me was discovering what made them tick so I could present data in a meaningful way. Since I have stopped actively working out I feel a sense of loss. The talk this past weekend helped me to see clearly for the first time what the true reason was for this feeling of loss. It isn’t that I miss the physical contact and interaction with my fellow dojo mates; rather I miss the teaching aspect of my tenure there.
I no longer need the physical challenge full-time karate workouts represent. I know from past experience that unless you are willing to give 100% to the endeavor you will end up hurt. My heart just isn’t in the physicalness of karate anymore. I’ve learned the lessons that kicking, punching, and blocking hold for me. What I do need is the mental, emotional, and spiritual challenge of teaching. Finding the way inside myself to reach people around me has always uncovered new truths, and spurred growth.
In the weeks to come I need to explore different avenues of teaching to find one that will meet my needs. I need a situation that will allow me to explore myself, and grow.
I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I am in love with a wonderful, vivacious, beautiful, passionate woman who is in love with me. I have a job that is rewarding and provides the means to have a comfortable life.
As I have grown older I have matured emotionally and spiritually. I have achieved a certain balance physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. I feel integrated and whole. My enjoyment of life has increased tenfold in the past few years.
I am comforted knowing that I can face the demons I still have; the tools I have developed emotionally and spiritually will allow me to reach a place of balance with those parts of me that still create noise in my head.
I am closer to my family in a real way than ever before. I am able to be myself without worrying about their feelings. I see them as people now, and I can like them for themselves.
I have learned how to relax and live life for today. I have discovered my true pace and, for the most part, I am able to move through life at that speed and not the world’s ever-increasing frenetic pace.
I have learned how to like myself for who I am.
I saw this over at what do I know this weekend. It’s software that resides on your Mac and downloads up to 150 different comics each day for your reading pleasure. Since the comics are the only reason I ever buy a newspaper this is most excellent. Now all I need is a Mac. Donations can be sent to me.
I did some emotional resetting this morning. I was working on refactoring some code I wrote several weeks ago and was finding it extremely frustrating. The changes were seemingly impossible to make and I just wanted to throw in the towel and quit. I felt my anger coming up and I wanted to yell at anyone and everyone around me.
My thoughts turned darker and darker and suddenly I realized that I was fantasizing about killing myself. Over a coding problem? Wait a minute… Something else is going on here. It was then I knew that my annual depression had snuck back in and was sitting on me once again.
I immediately called Michele and we talked for a few minutes. Just being able to say to someone I love and trust that I was really feeling my depression and that I felt helpless in its grasp made all the difference in the world. Until I said it out loud to her I was alone with it. There is nothing worse than being depressed, except being depressed and feeling alone at the same time. I am so fortunate to have a partner who hears what I am saying and validates it for me.
After talking to her I felt lighter and more in control. I was able to laugh a little again, and instead of having tunnel vision that only allowed me to see depression and darkness, I was able to broaden my sight to include some light and joy.
My depression is still here. I still feel it, but I am not suffocating under it. The simple act of talking about it with Michele named it and chased it back into its corner for the time being.
Once again I have foot in mouth disease. Over the weekend we bought some chicken breasts thinking that we’d make fried chicken for dinner. When it came time to start neither of us was in the cooking mood so we had Thai take out instead. This morning, when I talked to Michele on the phone from work, she told me that she was improvising with the chicken in the crock-pot for dinner tonight. It sounded fantastic, chicken, tomatoes, herbs, spices, low heat, and hours of simmering.
Without thinking about it I suggested that she hold off on adding the tomato paste until later in the day, that it would thicken better if added just before serving. What she heard was me telling her how to do it. Instead of being completely supportive and open to her initiative, I stepped on her feelings by immediately going to a place of control.
I said I was sorry, but I know that I have hurt her feelings with my careless remark. I know that I am human and that I will make mistakes from time to time. I strive to show her more respect and consideration than anyone else, but in this instance I slipped and now I feel down because I wasn’t considerate of her efforts on our behalf.
One of the big topics we had this weekend was the idea of vulnerability. Each of us has difficulty being vulnerable, as people who should protect and care for us have abused our vulnerabilities in the past. Making a spur-of-the-moment dinner just using her flavor instincts puts Michele in a vulnerable position. Her feelings are a part of the dish; if it is good she will feel wonderful. If it doesn’t turn out the way she wants, her feelings will be bruised. In that vulnerable place where she was creating something wonderful I came crashing through with a thoughtless comment. She was open and exposed and I didn’t take the time to consider that before speaking.
Not that I have done anything egregiously wrong here, I just didn’t consider before I spoke.
I had an incredible weekend. I had tickets for the Peter Gabriel show in Chicago, Thursday, so we left during the day and drove up to Joliet. We had stayed there one night on our honeymoon 5 years ago so we wanted to re-visit it. That afternoon a friend came by and we visited for a while and then my buddy and I headed into town for the show.
PG was awesome as always. I haven’t seen him live in over a decade so this was a real treat. He played for over two hours, played old songs and new, and as always gave an outstanding performance. It was well worth the time and trouble to be there.
Friday we had planned on staying near Chicago for sightseeing or maybe some shopping. However the weather was dreeky, and our room was less then perfect (dirty and not non-smoking) so we headed home a day early. Michele and I had a good discussion on the way about why we had set the weekend up the way we did. Since we only spent one night in Chicagoland it basically meant that she had to spend 8 hours alone in a motel room waiting for me to come back from the concert. If she’d stayed at home she would have been alone longer, but with her things and in her home.
Saturday we talked most of the day. We uncovered and dealt with some issues around needing time alone, time apart, and time together. One of the big new understandings we came to was the difference in our need for alone time, and how we express that need. I also got to a deeper level in my understanding of the emotional legacy my parents left me with. We ended the day with a long hot bath together. It was a fantastic reward for a tough, rewarding emotional day.
Saturday was also the close of my latest attempt to sell the Audi TT by eBay auction. This time, instead of trying to sell the car for the high lease buyout price, I just sold the “right” to assume the lease. This is complicated by the fact that the buyer must be an Illinois resident. Despite having this clearly indicated three times in the auction listing I still had more than a few bids from people outside Illinois. In the end I did get one serious bid from someone in southern Illinois. This meant that I had to deal with giving up this car. Letting go of it is a public acknowledgment that we need to focus our money on bigger financial issues.
I had to face that that there is a high cost to personal integrity. We could keep the car but that would mean not meeting a financial obligation as quickly as possible. It is more important in the long run to pay off our outstanding debt than to have a car that is less than practical. This doesn’t mean that it isn’t extremely difficult to let go of its ownership. Dealing with the inevitable questions will be tough as well.
Sunday was a lazy day spent at home. In the mail Saturday we got our Hawaii Cruise tickets so we spent some time talking about and getting excited about our trip. We picked a couple of excursions but kept most days open so we could just relax. Our goal for this trip is to be as relaxed as possible. By talking about our expectations and desires for the trip mow we are able to give ourselves permission to do as much or as little as we want. This is our trip and we want it to meet our needs. It is going to be awesome.
Check it out.
Several weeks ago I discovered that Peter Gabriel, one of my all time favorite artists was on tour and would be in Chicago. My initial try at getting tickets failed as the show as sold out. Several days later, however, a friend informed that a second show had been added. He was interested in going as well so I ordered two tickets online immediately. Then I asked/told Michele about the show. It was not a good thing. While I knew she didn’t want to go to a concert I still should have asked to include her. Her feelings were hurt by not being asked.
We have worked through the residue left by my poor handling of the tickets. In fact we are both going up to Chicago tomorrow for the show. We are spending a couple of nights and will do some sightseeing and shopping on Friday. She is okay with my going to the show Thursday with my friend. However I am discovering that I am less enthusiastic than I expected about going to the show. It has been at least 10 years since I attended a rock concert and then I remembered it as being less than perfect. Too many people in one place, too much energy to feel really comfortable; a large crowd, some of who are intoxicated or high, all energized by the music can be an uncomfortable experience for me.
What bothers me even more than the crowd is going to the show without Michele. In five plus years of marriage we haven’t done anything like this apart. We both know and understand that this concert is something I want to do and not something she wants to do, but I feel odd going without her. I am very used to turning to her and commenting on the events around us, or to see how she is enjoying whatever event we are attending. Tomorrow night she won’t be at my side. Now I know most couples have their own interests and often participate without their partners. Michele and I aren’t like that. In almost 6 years of living together we have only been apart 2 nights. We both hated each of those nights and I have vowed not to spend a night apart from My Love again. I know that after the show I will return to our motel room and be with her; still going without her feels like a separation. I don’t like it.
We have a long ride in the car tomorrow to get to the city, I will need to talk to her about this and sort out my feelings so that I can be free to enjoy the show. More importantly I won’t carry around with me negative feelings that could potentially grow into something harder to deal with than missing my Sweetheart at a rock concert.
I ran across these error pages as examples of a, er, better way of doing it.
First: gaeb.teattime.com/notfound.html Nice graphics, no more useful than the original 404 message, but nicer to receive.
Second: cold-dead-fish.com/404.asp Direct, and to the point. If you aren’t thick skinned you have no business surfing the ’net anyway.
Finally: mcsquared.com/error1.htm Fantastic. A sense of whimsy and humor. An excellent waste of time, resources, and bandwidth.
We had the perfect meal this evening. A wonderful roast, prepared with carrots, peppers, garlic, red potatoes, and pearl onions. The roast was wonderfully seasoned, moist and flavorful. For dessert there was vanilla ice cream and strawberries with whipped cream.
What made this meal so wonderful, so special was how and why it came about. For several years now Michele has been afflicted with a long term illness that at times has left her incapacitated. A trip to the store was an arduous ordeal. However in recent weeks she has started to feel much better and has far more stamina and energy.
Today she ventured forth to the store on her own. She shopped and brought home everything she needed to prepare our meal. She did all the prep work, cooking and clean up. I am so proud of her courage, her strength and her belief in herself.
Every bite of the meal was fantastic because it was filled with love and it was the result of her unflagging determination to overcome and grow.
I am very proud of my beautiful, courageous, awesome, spunky partner, friend, lover, and wife.