Having experienced to one degree or another the impact of four deaths in the past two years has focused a lot of my thinking on death and dying. Ultimately I have come to an understanding that works for me. I share it here mostly to capture it in words and solidify it in my mind.
I believe that emotion and intellect are the most important gifts we as humans posses. It is a shame that our society places so much emphasis on latter and almost none on the former. Whether or not you accept that you are an emotion-based being isn’t necessary for it to be true. I have no idea what portion of the strife, war, anger, hate, and unhappiness in the world is the result of society’s inability to accept emotion as normal and natural, but I think it is a larger portion than most would believe.
As we grow and experience life we build places of recognition for our emotions. Repeated experiences resonate as they have a home in us - a place already established. It doesn’t matter what the emotion is, the pain of being teased as a child or the elation at hearing from an old friend unexpectedly, we all have experienced these feelings before and therefore have a response. A response that we recognize and accept.
Death, dying, is something outside of the normal range of experience. We will all experience the death of loved ones in our life time. But not to the same extent that we experience the joy of hello or sadness of parting. The ordinary, common emotions, whether pleasant or not, are familiar - known to us. Death is a stranger, and interloper, and with no place of recognition where we can set it down, we struggle with feeling out of place, feeling upset, or feeling grief.
For a time after Michele’s death I participated in a survivor’s group, and what struck me almost immediately was the length most there went to re-frame death to something else. It was if the concept was too large to take in, so they tried to ignore it, while all the while dragging it along behind them like a ball and chain. Most couldn’t even embrace the manner of death, preferring to say “completed” rather than “committed” suicide.
Personally I found it better to acknowledge the manner of her death - to use the words hung, dead, death, suicide - than to gloss it over with platitudes. I think that by being blunt or direct every time I spoke of it or thought about it I was able to start to build a place of recognition inside of me, a place for those emotions to be anchored. Instead of being at the mercy of swirling emotions that felt out of control, I found a way to root them so that I could be in control. I still experience the emotions but I am no longer helpless in their grasp. Make no mistake, I am not talking about building an affection for the emotion; I don’t want an affinity with death. But I have found a way to understand the emotion that comes with that experience in a way that allows me to continue my life and not to have my life defined solely by grief or sadness.
Maybe this won’t work for everyone, but I think that by owning the truth of the event - My mom died from lung cancer - rather than whitewashing it - She passed away peaceful - is the better way to continue with my life.
Maybe three weeks ago I had the car into the shop for a scheduled maintenance and oil change. One of the activities performed is a tire rotation. In the days following that visit I noticed that at highway speed the car had a pronounced pull to the left. Since I was going to be taking it back in order for the front brakes to be replaced in a couple of weeks I wasn’t’ too worried about it.
Yesterday the brakes were replaced and the rotors resurfaced, all four wheels were balanced, and the front end aligned. One the way home the car was still pulling to the left. (Somewhere in there is a liberal in Kansas joke.)
Calling my service representative this morning I was able to set up another appointment on Monday to have the wheels cross rotated to see if that corrects the issue. I wonder if the rear end is out of alignment, and if so, could that make the car liberal in its handling.
Ah the joys of a car nearing 100,000 miles of usage.
Sparring in kendo is vastly different than sparring in karate-do. First off, the other guy is trying to WHACK YOU WITH A STICK. And given the it is rather small in circumference, and you are wearing a mask with bars obscuring your line of sight, you easily lose track of where it is currently. That is until it snacks into your hand, or rings your ears with a solid whack on your head.
Okay, to be fair - you’ve got a stick too. But they aren’t holding still, and every time you try something you get your knuckles smacked again. (I have new respect for those of you who survived Catholic school.) There are only three targets (the head, the wrists, and the sides of the body) - you’d think you could keep yourself covered up and protected.
You’d be wrong. And I have the swollen, bruised knuckles to prove it.
One of my least favorite exercises in kendo is a step back (evade) step forward strike combination. I feel awkward and out of shape doing it as speed is involved. I understood mentally what its purpose was; after tonight I understand physically the value of hiya suburi.
The final piece of my weight adjustment program is taking daily supplements. Since I am eating less, and doing more, I am giving my body conflicting messages. I’m also starving it of necessary nutrients simply through less food consumed.
My friend Pete recommended the “Men’s Pack” from Walgreens, so I have added them to my routine. It has Vitamin E, Selenium, Vitamin C, a B-Complex, and a Multivitamin.
Unlike the weight lifting or the kendo, which has visible results, I’m not sure I’ll be able to measure the difference from taking the supplements. But I am willing to believe they will make a difference.
Saturday morning, prior to my workout, the scale read two thirty point four. Just four tenths of a pound shy of a twenty pound weight loss in two months time. After my workout the same scale read two twenty eight and change. Working out in near hundred degree temperatures causes impressive water weight loses.
If my math is correct I’m losing about 0.35 pounds a day on average, or a caloric deficit of twelve hundred and forty seven calories. My average daily caloric intake since the beginning of June has been just a fraction under seventeen hundred. The average for the last five days is twelve hundred and twenty two. At this rate I’ll see two hundred pounds by Halloween, and one ninety for Thanksgiving. I don’t expect this rate of loss to continue, eventually the curve will flatten out.
The best part is having people ask me if I am losing weight, or just telling me that they can see the weight loss. The catch is that my pants are all getting baggy. I’m going to have to either have them taken in or buy new ones. I’m hoping to take them in and get maybe another twenty pounds of use out of them before buying new. No one told me losing weight was going to be expensive.
Not that I am complaining, mind you.
It appears that the new WiFi card has cured the iMac of it’s won’t-stay-connected blues. The new card arrived in the mail yesterday, but since it was insured the post man conveniently left me a claim ticket so I could trek to the post office this morning on my way to kendo.
After installing the card (three minutes, a snap) and rebooting the connection has stayed all afternoon. It is nice to have the centerpiece of my multi-computer setup working properly again.
Now that I know these cards can go bad I’m thinking about getting a spare, just so if there is a next time I won’t have to live with the problem for a week waiting for the shipment.
About a week or so ago the wireless connection to the iMac computer started acting flaky. It has never made the connection on its own after being restarted or rebooted. I always have to click the WiFi icon and select my network to get it started. Once connected though, it was always rock solid.
Lately it only stays connected for a few minutes, and it is never connected after being woken up from sleep. Clicking on the WiFi icon reveals no connection information at all. I’ve been able to memorize my 26-character hex key simply due to repeatedly having to enter it. Both of the other wirelessly connected computers (and the Tivo for that matter) are working fine.
Since my Macintoshes are now nearly four years old, they only support the original Airport card from Apple. The one that isn’t MADE anymore. The Airport card that is currently in the iMac was purchased on eBay for the low, low price of $135. Roughly double the LIST price when Apple was selling them. Supply and demand sucks when the supply is finite.
(Note… the blasted connection has dropped again. I’ll have to copy this to the clip board and post it later when the computer is online again.)
So I went back to eBay and ordered another Airport card (this time only $90!) and I am hoping that it solves the problem. If it doesn’t I’ll either have to go downtown and stump the Geniuses at the Apple store, or rearrange the apartment to put the iMac where an Ethernet cord can reach it from the router.
Spam truly is a scourge on the Internet. In the time that it takes my machine to delete the six thousand or so I’ve gotten in the last ten days, I get SIX NEW SPAMS.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!
I guess as long as I can bail the boat faster than it’s sinking I’m okay.
Every once in a while you take a course of action thinking that it will lead you in one direction, while secretly hoping that a desire you can’t even voice will actually come true. Joining eHarmony was just such an event for me. I thought it would lead to meeting some new people, that it would be a good way to dip my toe back into the pool, as it were. Secretly I was hoping that I’d meet someone special, someone that I would really like. Someone who would like me back.
Imagine how wonderful it would be to meet someone who thinks like you, expresses themselves openly and honestly, who responds to you, and to whom you respond, and for whom you have strong feelings after just a short time.
Imagine how absolutely freaking scary it would be to meet someone who thinks like you, expresses themselves openly and honestly, who responds to you, and to whom you respond, and for whom you have strong feelings after just a short time.
Just imagine.
My kendo workouts continue to be good. Having a prior background in karate is surprisingly helpful. While there are virtually no shared techniques except for some of the footwork, the concepts are the same – and I was always good at applying new concepts.
Working out outside has it challenges. Heat, bugs, various brain-dead cretins who cruise by and shout out their windows. But the shared experience makes up for all of that. What I have been missing most about karate was the camaraderie of participating with other people who have a common interest. I was never a team sport kind of guy, so I missed out on the team bonding that the football or basketball team might have in high school. I did try out for the wrestling team, but I didn’t take to the intensity of the Coach’s desire to win, Win, WIN!
Martial arts offers the chance to do an individual pursuit in a group setting. You work with partners, one on one, or sometimes two or three on one, and you practice by yourself - but with other people there. A good dojo (and I’ve found one here) will welcome you no matter what your skill level or dedication level. What is important is that each person is doing their best, striving to make themselves better.
Whatever the reason, I seem to excel at martial arts, and practicing seems to center me and bring me peace.