A good friend introduced me to Evanescence today. It’s the combination of a classically trained pianist and a heavy metal band producing something called “gothic rock.” One listen and I was hooked. Their debut album, Fallen is available on Amazon.
Rating: Play it loud
I originally posted about this album a while back, specifically her rendition of From A Distance which still soothes the ache in my heart when I hear it.
Now I want to say that the entire album is outstanding. I never would have believed that I would enjoy a country (admittedly cosmopolitan country) so much, but I do. You will too. Get it via the iTunes Music Store link below.
Rating: Infectiously good
Wow.
One new category and it generates four postings in one day. And two postings about the category itself. A banner day here at Zanshin World Domination Headquarters.
Expect a mild posting surge as I catch up on all the diversions I’ve wanted to share recently. Posting at its regular sporadic pace will resume shortly.
Update: Make that five postings in one day, plus two meta postings.
A long time ago, when I was a budding programming student, one of my professors had us keep a log of our abends (abnormal ends) and our corrective action. The idea was to learn our bad programming habits and eliminate them from our code. He periodically collected the notebooks and reviewed our log. Repeated errors of the same type were questioned. All in all it was an interesting learning tool.
For the past couple of months I have been watching American Choppers on The Discovery Channel. Each episode, between the bickering Pauls, they manage to build another jewel of a motorcycle. The process seems to follow these steps: minimal visible design, lots of fabrication and careful fitting of parts and components, paint/powder coat/chrome, and then final assembly. And every single episode when final assembly rolls around not all the parts go together correctly. It seems that the thickness of powder coat, or chrome, or paint, mucks with their tight tolerances. Every. Single. Time.
As a student of the process I follow to construct applications I am very aware of repeated steps. Especially those that cause the same problem over and over again. Now I realize that the boyz at Orange County Chopper don’t have control over the powder coat/paint/chrome process, but you’d think that after a couple of dozens time they’d be better at anticipating the delays and issues caused by the need to clean out fittings or scrape off excess finish.
I’m just saying.
Previously on zanshin I discussed my so-called shotski’s ring or or esophageal stricture. As I have recently been having very good luck with this malady I thought an update was in order.
A Brief History of Throwing Up Beginning about 1990 I began to have difficulty swallowing. Over time this issue became more and more pronounced and I started throwing up the contents of my throat after only one or two bites of food. Several trips to multiple doctors and I was told that I had three problems.
Acid Reflux Stomach acid was getting past the upper (hiatal) valve into my throat and was burning the tissue there. Very painful and uncomfortable. Mine was strong enough to wake me up in the middle of the night and no amount of Tums would stop it.
Hiatal Hernia A weakening in the diaphragm allowing part of the stomach to protrude into my chest cavity, distorting the shape of my throat and hiatal stomach valve allowing for acid reflux (see #1).
An esophageal stricture or shotski’s ring A ring of tissue that continues to grow inside your esophagus, making the effective diameter smaller, if not closing it off completely, making swallowing difficult.
Apparently medical science cycles through two polar opposites on the relationships between these three conditions. At one pole we have the “they are all interrelated and connected” theory and at the other pole the, “you can have one without the other” theory. Prescription levels of Pepcid AC are given for the acid reflux (i.e., take double the over the counter dosage), nothing is done for the hiatal hernia, and a balloon endoscopy is performed as needed to deal with the shotski’s ring.
I had the balloon procedure preformed six times at five month intervals with no real relief from the condition. Initially I was getting perhaps several weeks of eased eating, but by the sixth procedure I was only get a week or ten days respite.
My wife, Michele, got me to take a homeopathic remedy for the acid reflux. Since I don’t eat vegetables she felt I didn’t have the enzymes necessary to properly digest my food and the result was excess acid. I took a vegetable enzyme extract and an enzyme re-builder for about 8 months. Before starting I couldn’t drink a glass of milk or eat ice cream without having an immediate and painful acid response. Since taking the product I haven’t had a problem. I still have a bout of indigestion once in a while, but a teaspoon full of baking soda washed down with a glass of water is an instant remedy.
Throughout the past fifteen years my eating issue has manifested like this: I take a bite, or two or three, of food and then my throat spasms and I can’t swallow. I feel as if I need to burp but can’t. Usually the spasm is low enough in my throat that I can breathe and I have time to go to the bathroom where I clear my throat by sticking my finger down my throat. Once my throat is cleared I am able to finish eating. On rare occasion the spasm is higher in my throat and I feel as if I can’t breathe. Those episodes are scary as I usually throw-up completely, and I feel like I’m going to pass out in the process. Even after one of these episodes I am able to finish eating.
Where I Am Today To my way of thinking, if I truly had a narrowing in my throat it would be narrow all the time and I would have trouble swallowing at every single meal. Even during those times when my condition was so bad I was throwing up at least once a day there were meals that passed with no difficulty. I don’t believe I have a true narrowing in my throat. I believe that I have a spasm that is released by the muscle contractions involved in throwing up. Kind of a hiccup in my throat.
For me the cause of the spasm appears to lie in unexpressed emotion. When I am carrying a lot of stress that I am not talking about, that I am in effect swallowing my body responds by not letting me swallow. If I am effectively dealing with stress, either by altering my life to not include it, or by openly dealing with it as it occurs, I don’t have much trouble eating. Since the beginning of 2006 I have only had two instances where I needed to visit the bathroom to clear my throat, and those were both minor issues.
I have altered my eating habits as a result of this condition. I cut my food into smaller bites, I chew slowly and thoroughly, and I drink lots of fluids throughout the day. A glass full of water taken before meal helps. Drinking continuously until I have swallowed five or six times in a row is very helpful. If fact, sipping a drink, i.e., taking one or two swallows only, is a bad idea. The start and stop nature of that kind of swallowing seems to bring on the spasm.
The Moral of My Tale Since the doctors in my case were unwilling or unable to provide a cure but rather only treated the symptoms (out-patient surgery every 20 weeks) I took matters into my own hands. I altered the way I eat, augmented my diet with enzymes to account for the lack of vegetables, and I learned to deal with my stress rather than suppressing it. In other words, I became an active participant in the treatment of my body. Too often, I think, we allow ourselves to become a bystander, merely watching as the doctor deals with our issues. Passive participation will never fully work, you have to want the change and work for it to make it happen.
I don’t think I’ll ever be completely free of my reaction to unexpressed emotion or stress, but I have learned better coping mechanisms that allow me to live without the embarrassment or fear of throwing up every time I eat.
Today has been rough. For some time now I have been getting more and more confused by the design approach we are using on my project at work. This approach, coupled with a rather dense application framework, has contributed to feelings of inadequacy and lowered my battered self esteem even more. Feeling stupid has always been a trigger for me and today I reached the breaking point.
In a fit of embarrassment and shame I gathered my belongings and left the building in a rush. I need to break down and cry but I couldn’t let myself have that release while at work. Before I was out of the parking lot I was crying uncontrollably. And before I was to the end of the street my cell phone rang with a call from my best friend at work. He was concerned about me and wanted to help. His grace and tact gave me the space I needed to release my feelings of failure. He validated that the difficulty I was having was shared by others on the team, that he himself was struggling with aspects of our approach. And he told me that in his eyes I wasn’t failing at my job. Finally he volunteered to work with me to help me past my current mental block.
It was exactly what I needed and yet couldn’t find a way to ask for.
If there is a silver lining to this blackest of clouds it is the discovery of true friends and a renewed faith in the goodness of man. I have been truly fortunate to have brought to my life people of the highest calibre. Not just in their moral character but in their willingness to connect to me, unflinchingly, at a real level, when I am in the throes of some very difficult emotions.
I not only popped a big emotional bubble this morning, and released a lot of pent up frustration and anguish, I realized that even when I feel utterly alone there are those who will reach out and support me. How cool is that?
Over the weekend I decided to get (yet another) computer bag. Finding one that suits me, carries all my electronic toys, and looks good is not as easy as you’d think. Witness the FIVE other computer bags I now have in the closet. They were all good bags; each did what they were supposed to do, but over time some flow or failing would become apparent and I’d start the search for a replacement.
With the arrival of a new notebook computer and my desire to be able to take both the ThinkPad and the Powerbook with me, not only did I need a new bag, I needed one that could safely hold two computers, their power supplies, and my extras. Not an easy task. Several weeks ago, while killing time before meeting friends for dinner, I saw a Wenger wheeled bag in Best Buy that caught my eye. The Patriot was nicely proportioned, had plenty of internal storage, wasn’t gaudy, and included a separate, padded “to go” bag to house the notebook.
Saturday while browsing bags at CompuUSA I saw the Wenger bag again and, after examining the pull out notebook tote, got to wondering if it would hold both the Powerbook AND the ThinkPad. The main pocket of the tote was obviously large enough for the ThinkPad, my question was: would the accessory pocket be large enough for the Powerbook. Eyeballing the fit with the display Powerbook in the store was enough to warrant a purchase and a test run at home. Much to my joy the outer pocket on the tote snugly held the Powerbook while the main pocket held the ThinkPad. Two notebook computers in one bag that was slimmer and more elegant than any of my other bags. AND, as a bonus, an entire wheeled bag to carry the rest of my daily electronic junk.
I’ve ordered a spare power supply for the ThinkPad, and I’ll be picking up a spare for the Powerbook one evening this week. By leaving a set at work I can leave the larger wheeled bag in the car and just carry the tote into work. A perfect solution. I don’t know how many other people have two notebooks to deal with every day, but I would highly recommend investigating the Wenger Patriot.
The end of the day is always the hardest part. The activities of the evening have wound down, and you’ve run out of things with which to avoid the gapping chasm in the middle of your life. Loneliness is like a wraith that flits around the edge of your vision, sometimes there and sometimes not. You tell yourself that if you just keep moving that you’ll be okay.
Only you can’t out run loneliness, you can’t buy things to fill the gaps in your life, and you can’t stay busy enough to outlast it either. Because the end of the day always comes, and then it is dark outside and in, and you eventually have to turn off the light and go to sleep. And then, in the darkness, you are truly alone. Images of the last moments you spent with your wife are there inside your memory, waiting for the blank screen, hidden all evening behind movies or television or online chats with friends, to reappear. And despite every effort you make the first thing you see when your close your eyes is the last time you saw her. The last time you saw her alive, and the last time you saw her forever. When she was dead.
Loneliness is a thief that steals away your life. Not by taking, oh no. By making you take it from yourself. In trying to avoid loneliness you have changed your habits, altered your lifestyle. Activities you shared with your wife are too painful at times to contemplate. So you run away from all that you’ve known towards that which you don’t want. You steal your own life to appease loneliness only to find it waiting for you in the dark, night after night.
Once upon a time you were somebody. You had a life that was by and large satisfying. It was filled with touchstones that brought you comfort and joy. This life was shared with your wife, her presence filled it with warmth and color. Now she is gone and with her the warmth. And with her the color. And all that is left is loneliness and depression.
It has been 119 days, 17 weeks, a lifetime since the sun set, never to rise the same way ever again. There are thousands of days, hundreds of weeks, tens of years that are now empty. You wonder if you’ll ever be able to fill them.
For the first time since 1999 I am getting a tax refund. In fact, when all three of my tax returns are combined (one federal and two state) I will net a tidy sum. Given the difficulties my taxes have represented for the last 5 years this is a huge boost to my overall sense of well being. My only regret is that Michele isn’t alive to see a return to normalcy around this issue.
I am by no means out of the woods with my taxes; in fact I will be paying off my past debt for some time to come. The refund this year represents a movement away from the situations and behaviors that got me into trouble in the first place. That my addiction to financial chaos caused Michele pain and suffering wounded me deeply. I’m not sure I’ll ever completely forgive myself for visiting upon her the same kind of out-of-control financial stress that plagued her childhood.
The rational, intelligent part of me knows I should earmark the entire return to paying down the amount I still owe from years past. The caregiver in me feels I should reward myself with at least some of the money; if I never get any rewards it won’t reinforce the behaviors that led to the refund in the first place. In the end I suspect I’ll set aside some portion of the money to give me a cushion against the unexpected, and pass along the remainder to Uncle.
Michele, I know you would be proud of me for stepping up this year and meeting my obligation completely, and well before the deadline. I only wish I had been able to eliminate this type of chaos more when you were alive.
In the three years I’ve been using a Macintosh as my primary personal computer I never bother to run anti-virus software. And in hundreds of hours online, with thousands of files downloaded I’ve never had a problem. Having an operating system that is significantly harder to crack and, that just isn’t a target of the pond scum who create viruses, was one of the major reasons for getting the Powerbook in the first place.
That, and it was cool.
I’ve now had my new Windows machine for about 48 hours; its only been online for about 12 of those hours, and already the anti-virus software has quarantined a file because it was infected. That’s right. Only two days to have my perimeter breached.
My reasons for getting this machine were sound, and still are sound. But having lived inside the walled compound of Apple for three years I was unprepared for the conditions out on the streets of the rest of the computing world.
Unbelievable.