Synchronizing a 30GB iPod for the first time with just over 22 GB of music and videos takes approximately 10 hours over USB 1.1. This time is made even longer by your inability to halt the sync process.
Kansas is the first place I’ve lived where “wind” is a regular, recurring weather forecast. Auntie Em! indeed.
The upstairs Springer Show continues. The mom who was so loudly thrown out a couple of weeks ago has returned and is once more stomping her way back and forth across the their floor/my ceiling. I’m so happy I could spit.
Warning: Personal grooming and hygiene discussed ahead.
Maybe three years ago I developed a rather large boil, a carbuncle, on my left cheek. It grew fairly quickly and ended up being about the size of a nickel. With Michele’s help draining it, some hot compresses, and antiseptic cream we were able to reduce it and clear it up after about two weeks of work.
About two weeks ago I developed another boil, this one about three inches below my left arm, almost on my back. I can see it in the mirror, and sort of see it directly. This is one of those times when I used to be able to lean on Michele to deal with what I can’t reach or easily clean myself. Going to the doctor for what is basically a zit, albeit a large and painful zit, seemed to be over-reacting.
Over the past couple of days I have applied heat and managed to bring it up to a head and drained it partial both times. The compression required to drain it aggravates the tissue and makes it quite sore. I haven’t lanced it yet (you try stabbing yourself with a needle) but if it doesn’t go down on its own soon, that is the next step.
My relationship with Michele was varied and complex, existing on multiple levels and encompassing vast emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical territory. What I miss right now is her steady hand and willingness to deal with the various physical grooming chores that crop up as our bodies age.
Between online shopping on the Internet and package delivery services like FedEX, the world just keeps getting smaller.
I ordered an iPod for myself Tuesday afternoon at 3:01 pm. The order history on FedEx starts at 10:33 am on Wednesday morning in Shanghai China. Turns out that 3:10 PM CST on 1/10/2006 is 5:01 AM China time on 1/11/2006. The order was shipped from China by 12:20 PM 1/11/2006 (or 10:20 PM here on the 10th). Since then it has been to Alaska and Indiana, and it is currently at the local FedEx facility in Lenexa - just down the road from my apartment. 39 hours and 53 minutes from the time the order was placed until it is on the truck, out for delivery - from half way around the planet.
And I ordered custom engraving for my iPod so at least the back had to complete manufacturing before it should be shipped. Unbelievable.
Recently I have noticed an increase in my nighttime dream activity. This is not to say that I am dreaming more, I am just more aware of the dreams I have. I’m still not remembering them, but they are now waking me up fairly regularly. These aren’t nightmares; I’m not waking up screaming or anything. But they are disrupting my sleep.
I suppose when I step back to look at my situation an increase in agitated sleep is to be expected given all that I have been through in the past few months. As much as learning my employment situation was once again stable has returned my life to “normal”, the normal I’ve returned to is abnormal in the extreme. Life without Michele is slowly becoming less surreal and easier to cope with on a day to day basis. Of course this upsets me as I feel I shouldn’t ever be okay about her being gone.
Dreams are where we sort out things our subconscious knows that our conscious mind doesn’t. I guess they are a kind of pressure relief valve, and mine seems to be venting regularly. The only real question I have pertains to when, or if, I have to start dealing with the submerged issues my subconscious is facing now.
In a few days I am scheduled to take a short trip, a mini-vacation if you will. Not counting funerals this will be the first time off and travel that I’ve had in over a year. Actually it has been closer to two years since I had any real vacation time. I know that the change in routine and scenery will do me good. I need to break out of the rut into which I have sunk.
But when I anticipate the trip I have some trepidation. This unsettled feeling occurs for several reasons. First and foremost this will be the first time I have flown without Michele in years. In December I took my first solo road trip in over 8 years and I found it very strange to be in the car without her. Several times during the drive to Illinois and back I found myself talking out loud to her in order to comfort myself. I am sure that going to the airport and getting on the plane will also bring up memories for me. I am very much looking forward to seeing my friends and spending time away from here, but I am not looking forward to the travel itself.
Secondly I am worried about my cats. I’ve always worried about them when ever we’ve been gone. I have to double and triple check their food supply and water, and I want to make sure that all the doors are wedged open so they don’t accidentally close themselves into a room. Michele understood my concerns and allowed me to express them. Nothing bad has ever happened to any of the cats while we were away but that hasn’t stopped me from fretting about it. My impending trip has me more worked up than usual since Nekko and Taz are all that is left of my family. Michele and I plus the two cats were a family, and with her gone I am acutely aware of the cats. The rational, intellectual part of me knows they’ll be fine. However, the emotional, animal part of me knows that life can change forever in a heartbeat. Leaving the house to go to the airport and then to Massachusetts for four days will be extremely hard.
Finally, just being away from my stuff will be difficult. When I was single, travel was easy in a sense because I really wasn’t attached to where I lived - I was nomadic even in my own home. Through my relationship with Michele I grew to appreciate a home of my own, a place that was ours and ours alone. Travel was nice in part because we ended up really looking forward to being home again. But travel was fun because the biggest part of “home”, Michele, came with me. This time she will travel with me in spirit, and in my heart. And the “home” I’ll return to will still be comforting, but it will also be empty.
In just over a month (December 6 - January 10) I’ve had 500 unique visitors to this site view 941 pages. This may not sound like a lot, but for a weblog that is largely the emotional ramblings of a middle-aged philosopher-hacker, I think this is a rather nice number.
The new statistics are a truer measure of zanshin.net’s readers as only browsers are counted. The various software robots that crawl the web indexing what they find are still coming here, they just aren’t getting counted. Zanshin easily receives 200 “hits” a day when you factor in all the automated visitors. While my ego prefers the higher number, my sensibilities are happier with the truer figure.
Want to get a better idea of your site’s traffic? Have A Mint
For some time now I have wanted an iPod. And in recent debates with myself I finally came to the conclusion that having a portable MP3 player was more important than a new cell phone. In truth, my cell phone usage has plummeted since Michele died; she was the principal reason I had a cell phone. I wanted to be able to call her anytime, and for her to be able to reach me at anytime. So, with less need for a new phone I shifted my focus to getting an iPod.
You can start for as little as $99 and get a 512MB iPod Shuffle. Certainly this is affordable, and very portable. But then you start to think, “Gee… for $50 I can get a 1GB Shuffle and have TWICE the capacity.”
Now, at $150 you realize that you are only $50 away from the entry level iPod nano. Uber small and uber cool. Color screen, click wheel, and 2GB of capacity. Okay. The Shuffle is out. I want a screen.
Fine.
That’s settled. $199.
…
But wait a minute… you know, with 4GB of storage I could carry a large selection of music with me all the time. And the 4GB model is only $50 more; the per GB drops from $100 each to $62.50. Much better deal.
And, really, $250 isn’t that much for an incredible bit of technology you can carry in your shirt pocket. Free laser engraving, free shipping. I’ll take it.
…
But then on the iPod page of the Apple Store you see the 30 GB model. It does video in addition to pictures and music. And at only $50 more the per GB price is now down to $10. And it comes in black (so does the Nano to be fair).
I’m getting a $99 iPod for only $333.33 (shipping and taxes included) because it’s only $50 more. Sheesh.
(What?! You thought I’d go for the 60GB model on the same principle? It’s a $100 more… that’s way too much.)
Over the weekend I purchased a second set of insoles for my work shoes. The first set has made a huge difference in the amount of pain I have from my fallen arches, but I was getting tired of swapping them from the brown work shoes to the black ones and back again. So, Saturday morning before getting my hair cut I went to the New Balance store and bought a second pair.
After waiting (and waiting) for the talkative couple in front of me to complete their purchase I presented the insoles to the clerk. She immediately started the interrogation. “What’s your name?” “How is that spelled?” “What’s your phone number?” “Your address?”
I interrupted her rather curtly saying that I just wanted to buy the insoles, and asking if I could please do that without giving my life history. She tried to explain that they would only keep the information in case I lost the receipt, blah blah blah.
When she asked for my information again I just looked at her. Eventually she got the hint and rang up my purchase, now angry that I wouldn’t play by their rules. When did buying some thing with CASH money become a data collection exercise? We as good little indoctrinated consumers think that we have to jump through all the hoops the merchants setup between us and nirvana (having their product in our home). While I certainly agree that there are some forms of payment that are less guaranteed (personal checks) than others, I don’t think using a guaranteed payment vehicle (cash, credit card with authorization number) is an excuse to perform thinly disguised marketing surveys.
Henceforth I plan on making up random data for all cash register surveys into my private life. I think I’ll be George Orwell.
Dear Sweetheart,
Today is the 90th day since you died. Three months. I can still see the final moments we shared together as clearly as I can see my hand today. I still relive the last weekend we spent here in this apartment. I think often of the good times we had; traveling to New York, seeing Eddie Izzard, swimming in our own pool. The days seem to be passing at a more normal pace now, but the nights are still long.
The last month has been rough. Learning that my contract was in jeopardy really put me into a tailspin. I didn’t want to look for a new job, I didn’t want to interview, I didn’t want anything to change. I did manage to sneak up on myself and send out a few resumes resulting in two or three potential positions. I even had one face-to-face meeting with a recruiter. The whole time he was talking I kept thinking to myself, “I really don’t care… just hire me or don’t, but please shut the hell up.” Not the best attitude for a job search.
In the end I think one tenant of our shared philosophy about life played out again. What was meant to happen, happened, because I was open to its possibility. And because I waited for it. Rushing into a new job would have been a huge mistake; one I would have regretted for a long time to come. Being able to continue on with my current employment situation is, for now, the best thing for me.
I know that I am a creature of habit, and so many of my habits have been disrupted or permanently destroyed by your death, that I can really bear to lose another major one (like work) and expect to function normally afterwards. With time I will build new habits in my personal life to account for your being gone and then I’ll be able to shoulder changes in other parts of my life.
The apartment manager shared with me that because of my situation I could end the lease just by giving 30-days notice. While that is good to know, I can’t imagine not being in the last place we shared. I do not particularly care for this apartment, but together we made it a home. Without you here it isn’t really a home any more, but the echos of you linger in this space so here I’ll stay - for now.
The hardest part recently has been losing more of my immediate memories of you. I’ve learned a couple of memory context tricks that allow me to hear your voice, and sometimes see your face. But I cannot replace the feel of your touch. I was so unaccustomed to touch of any sort when we met, and by the time of our parting I had grown to crave it and relish it. The loss of your fingers in my hair, your hands rubbing my feet or back, the tickle of your hair on my nose, the warmth of your body next to me on a cold winter night is almost unbearable.
I miss you so very much Tinkerbell. When I cook or bake, watching our favorite television shows (I still can’t watch “I Love Lucy”), or just having dinner out. I know that you will always be a part of me, which makes me glad. But I know that every day is carrying me farther and farther away from you, which makes me sad.
Chili for dinner tonight, Sweetie, with corn bread. Later in the week I’m going to make corned beef stew. I recently made a chocolate cake to take to a friends house for dinner - it was a huge hit. I think I need to make our spaghetti sauce again soon too.
I lov eyou Tinkerbell I miss eyou I ador eyou I am still in lov with eyou Pooh
1680 x 1050