The name for this site, zanshin is used in the martial arts, which is where I learned it. I studied karate-do for almost 9 years achieving the rank of nidan before I stopped physically practicing. Cross country moves, new jobs, and a delight in my marriage gave me higher priority activities than the regular practice of kata, kihon, and kumite.
With the sudden gapping hole in my life left by Michele’s death I have decided that I need some outside activity to occupy myself. Naturally my thoughts have turned back towards the martial arts, two in particular. I have always been fascinated with kendo, and I have never forgotten how much I enjoyed karate-do.
During the past two weeks I have been scouting various dojos trying to find one that felt right to me. So far I have been unsuccessful in tracking down any of the active kendo groups in the area. But I did visit a traditional karate dojo on Saturday and liked most of what I saw. My plan is to return on Thursday evening and sign up for a month of classes and see what happens. With my past experience I think I’ll know whether this dojo will be a good fit for me or not in that time frame. In the meantime I plan to keep scouting other locations, maybe even tracking down a kendo group.
Over the weekend I rearranged the furniture in the apartment. The new setting requires that both primary computers (the Powerbook and the iMac) connect to the LAN wirelessly. The Powerbook has had an Airport card for some time now, but the iMac has always been hard wired.
Imagine my surprise, and then dismay, to learn that Apple no long manufactures 802.11b Airport cards. They’ve fully switched over to the 802.11g Airport Extreme cards. This in and of itself is not a bad thing, but they changed the form factor of the cards so that the new card won’t fit into the old slot.
On the Apple site an Airport Extreme card can be had for $79 with free shipping. Airport cards can’t be had at all. A quick search on Google revealed that what Airport cards were available were all priced in the $120 - $140 range. I only paid $90 for the original one in the Powerbook. A visit to eBay revealed the same prices. Scarcity does impact price.
So I bought one from eBay, which should arrive this week in the mail. $132 with shipping. I’m not thrilled by the cost, but I am glad that I decided to enable the iMac now while there were still 802.11b Airport cards available. In another year or two I imagine their price will be even higher.
Every night now the same pattern happens. I move through the evening until I get sleepy and then I go to bed. Sometimes I lie in bed watching television until I get sleepy. Some nights I fall asleep and stay asleep until morning. Other times, like this evening, I can’t get my mind to stop racing when I close my eyes.
On nights like this one I have to stay up until I am exhausted and can’t stay awake any longer. Then I basically pass out until morning. I have some Xanax that the doctor gave to Michele for her anxiety, and on the two occasions I’ve taken them I have been able to go to sleep. But I don’t like having to drug myself to sleep.
Still, getting enough rest is probably a good idea. I suppose I should take a Xanax or a Tylenol PM. I just don’t want to lie there seeing images in my head that I can’t stop.
I had a full day today, trying to keep the aloneness from getting to me. I got it in my head this week that I wanted to move the furniture around. Yesterday I bought a swivel base for the television in preparation for the new arrangement, and this morning at 7:00 I was running the vacuum over the carpet before stirring things up.
After two hours of steady work I had made a large mess, but the desk was moved to it’s new home and the electronics were positioned as well. I took a break and went to scout a potential dojo. Their web site was intriguing and I want to see what they were like in person. Over all the impression was mixed. They are very kata centric, which I like, but the katas are all the straight line, side to side ones that I don’t care for. The atmosphere was very relaxed with no formal bowing or ceremony to start things off. Not sure how I feel about that aspect. Realizing that my objectivity is suspect right now, I think I’ll go try a class or two and see what I think.
Back in the apartment I made some egg salad for lunch (it was good) and then finished moving the furniture around. In the end I had to rearrange the spare bedroom (den) as well. Another three hours saw it 95% completed. Other than a sore lower back (the couch is HEAVY, with two recliners built into it) I am not hurting tonight. I am very tired however. Looking back at the day I think that was my agenda; to be physically exhausted rather then mentally and emotionally wiped out with physical energy to spare.
This evening I am acutely aware of how empty the apartment is without Michele physically here. Taz spends a lot of time with me, and on me which helps. And I am learning to sit on the couch or in the big chair so that Nekko will come visit me as well. Having the two of them is helping tremendously. I cannot imagine being here without any other living creature.
Yesterday also saw the completion of my transaction with the Cremation Society. I stopped by and picked up the copies of the death certificates and brought Michele’s cremains home. Her urn, covered with flowers and hummingbirds, is now on the mantle. I’m not sure how long I’ll leave it there. A part of me realizes that I need that physical presence here now but that in the future I may be less needful of it. The smaller urn with Abby’s remains are there too. This household now has three living souls and two ghosts.
Tomorrow I am planning on making a pot of spaghetti sauce. I need to get through my fear of doing things alone that Michele and I did together. She would want me to have our sauce and enjoy it. Maybe in a week or two I’ll attempt a cake.
On Monday it will be three weeks since Michele died. Just twenty-one days chronologically but a lifetime for me. The first week I numbly moved through the activities of notifying friends and family, arranging her memorial service, and existing.
The second week I returned to work. Having routine and structure helped me to keep going. I made a list of chores and errands and doled them out each day like carrots on a stick. Most of the things I accomplished were done through physical memory, there was no real attachment mentally or emotionally to the world around me. Having my cats there helped more than I can possibly say. At times their total acceptance of me was hard to reconcile with how miserable I felt, but knowing that I had to care for them helped me through some rough moments.
This week I have again relied heavily on routine, chores, and errands to get me through the days. I am afraid of the evenings and weekends now, they are unending periods of emptiness and loneliness to be endured. Last weekend I wanted to spend money like crazy. I wanted to by a new cell phone, toys for my computer, and movies. I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. Some part of my mind knows that having new things in my life won’t fill the hole where my heart used to be, another part just wants to anesthetizes everything so I don’t have to feel at all. I suppose I am grateful that I am not into drugs or alcohol, I could do some serious damage to myself that way right now.
I’ve been setting up future events to occupy myself and to give myself reason to look ahead. In a couple of weeks my brother is coming out. Since he is good with computer setup I am thinking that weekend would be a good time to dig out the old Intel boxes and set them up. One of my friends here is trying to setup a weekend away trip - camping somewhere.
Thanksgiving will be very hard. I don’t have time off to go anywhere, and I am not sure I want to travel then anyway. I discovered one of my oldest friends has family here in Kansas City and she and her family are coming here for the holiday. They are going to stay with me. I am planning on making a pot of spaghetti and a chocolate cake for them Wednesday. I haven’t a clue what I’ll due that Thursday while they are at her brother’s house.
Christmas terrifies me. Michele’s birthday was the 24th, and she dearly loved the magic and warmth of that time of year. Last season we were both depressed and didn’t decorate our apartment for various reasons. This year we were going to setup our tree and some lights, and our collection of Santas. I am determined to follow through on that plan. But the thought of having to go through the Christmas season alone is more than I can really take in today.
In January I am thinking about going to see Ted and his family out east. It has been years since I was there and having that to look forward to over the Christmas/New Year’s holidays will give me something to focus upon.
I am realizing that earthquake of her death has setup aftershocks of varying strength and intensity. Some days I don’t react to anything, other days I am moved to tears by something as simple as seeing my cell phone and knowing she’ll never call me again. The ground is shaky here, the path ahead uncertain. All I can do is to breathe in and out.
As a creature of habit there are touchstones in my daily life that help me to feel grounded and on track. Obviously, talking to Michele was a big part of my life, and those times of the day are difficult now.
At work I usually called Michele once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Sometimes there would be three or four calls in a day. Today, after I finished my lunch my first thought was to call Michele. I still can’t get used to the idea that there is no calling her any more. I have called our number at times just to listen to the few words she said as a part of our voice mail greeting. It seems the aural memory is not my strong suit, I am already having a hard time remembering the sound of her voice.
On the evenings when we went to sleep at the same time we always said goodnight to each other. There was a pattern to our ritual and it was comforting. The first few nights I was alone I didn’t know what to do. Now I am closing my eyes and softly saying what I used to say to her in the dark. And when I listen with my heart I can hear her answer.
I still talk out loud to her at times. Not as much as the first week when it felt like I had a continuous running conversation with her, but some every day. I think hear the sound of my own voice helps to fill the emptiness that fills the apartment. Talking to Nekko and Taz helps too, and I think they like it as well.
Michele had her own routine regarding the cats and I am slowly discovering how to fill in for them. Nekko in particular liked to sit on the back of our overstuffed chair and have Michele rub her ears. I have learned to spend some time in that chair of an evening so that Nekko can get her needs met.
Part of my life seem normal, and other parts are still very surreal. I feel as if I have been turned inside out and I recognize that I may never be right side in again.
One of the things I like about Apple Computer is their sense of social conscience. Take their home page today for example.
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Think Different indeed.
Michele and I both shared a love of movies. Long before we ever met we looked forward to seeing new movies and renting old favorites to see again. Throughout our relationship we watched movies together. In what I later learned was a litmus test, one of the first weekends we spent together included a suggestion from her that we see “The Mirror Has Two Faces”, a romantic comedy. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and my willingness to share that enjoyment with her earned me extra points.
About the only kind of movie Michele didn’t care for were testosterone action flicks. Or anything with “the Arnold” in it. Most of those I’d watch by myself, although the more dramatic ones she would sometimes watch with me. Especially if we did it in our home office where she could be working on her computer and only half watching the explosions and other male silliness on the screen.
I have been using movies to fill the hours these last two weeks. But I’ve stayed away from any that we saw together, or that I new she liked. I’m not ready to try and experience a movie we both enjoyed together. So I’ve been watch testosterone movies, one after another. Here’s a short list:
Kingdom of Heaven Gone in 60 Seconds Armageddon Deep Impact Ocean’s Eleven Bourne Supremacy Lethal Weapon II Terminator Terminator II Terminator III: The Rise of the Machines Braveheart Batman Begins
The last movie we saw out together was “Must Love Dogs”, which we both liked and enjoyed.
Lately I’ve been functional, but not creative. I’m able to get through daily activities, if only because I’ve done them before. But any activity that requires creativity or thought, and I’m out of luck. Meals are difficult to think up, prepare, and quite frankly, consume. I’ve been resorting to lists in order to accomplish anything. It is isn’t written down in a moment of lucidity, it isn’t likely to happen.
Thank God for 3M sticky notes.
I had a very long conversation with a very good friend last night. She is one of Michele’s oldest friends, and through my relationship with Michele I was able to develop my own friendship with her. Like me she is struggling to understand and absorb what happened to Michele. Like me she alternates between moments of relative calm and ones of great pain and sadness.
I was able to cry with her, something I have not done with anyone else until now. One of the most powerful aspects of my relationship with Michele was that I felt safe crying with her. She never looked down upon my tears and she helped me to see that the release of toxins they represented were actually healthy for me. Not having Michele here at a time when I have many tears to shed has been brutally difficult. However, last night I was able to let myself cry on the phone with Laura. Like proverbial tress falling in the woods unobserved, grief expressed in private only makes a sound for you to hear. Until it is heard by others it can’t be validated or confirmed. I need a place to express my grief where others can hear it, a place where I can validate the pain I am feeling. I know that finding a grief group is the thing to do, I just have to follow through.
We talked a lot about the act of suicide, about the anger it expresses, and the impact it leaves in the water of our lives. The ripples of Michele’s suicide are still spreading into my life, and I am being carried by them to unknown destinations. In one sense her death in this manner exposes an entire part of her I knew nothing about; and I liked to think I knew her better than anyone else alive. Ever since we first talked on the phone in early 1996 I knew she was fighting ancient emotional demons. At times she would include me in her struggles, at other times not. By and large I think she had dealt with most of the issues of her young adult and adult lives. However, I know that there were issues stemming from her childhood that she never fully expressed or was able to confront. She always said that marriage is where you deal with the issues of your childhood. We both explored so much of our inner emotional landscape in our ten years together, it is hard to believe there were unexplored canyons left.
Michele suffered greatly from her inner demons, and I believe she felt her having these made her a burden to others. She was loathe to feel obligated to anyone for any reason. Have deep seated feelings of guilt and shame must have been terrifying for her. She always told me that she would walk through fire for me, know I understand that she was really saying that staying and facing her inner demons every day was truly walking through fire. I don’t know if she was consciously aware of the daily ordeal, or if it was only apparent to her sometimes. I do know that in the end the demons got louder, and more present in her everyday life. She also always said that she would lay down and die for me. In the end that is what I think she believed she was doing. While she certainly understood at some level that her death by her own hand would hugely impact the rest of my life, I think she also believed that the removal of burden placed on my life by her demons would balance the scales.
I cannot judge whether her death was true wisdom or pure folly. All I know is that she had the greatest impact on my life that anyone ever has, or I suspect, ever will. She gave me so many gifts, not the least of which is my ability to openly share myself here, that I could never repay her. In her final moments I like to think that she believed she was giving a gift of life to me. I am resolved to accept that gift and make something of it.