This afternoon as I was leaving work, I met two of my new coworkers headed back into the building. We stopped and visited for a moment. They had just gotten a call from the president of the company we all work for on this engagement. Their contracts are being ended in two weeks.
My stomach sank.
We all just started this project in late June.
Oh. My. God.
The reason they were given was that IBM had brought on too many people too soon in the project; there wasn’t enough work to support all the consultants. I think the real reason also includes a delay in getting the requirements and business analysis material from the analysts in Washington DC. No matter what the reason, our team is now at least two members smaller.
I left then, and came home. Michele and I are each apprehensive about the upcoming week or two. The fact that I haven’t gotten a call is good news. The fact that I recently heard about an opportunity for work back in Springfield may be a very good thing.
Last night I couldn’t sleep for being over tired. Tonight I am expecting a long night as I lie awake and wonder where I’ll be working next week. Or next month.
This whole employment thing sucks.
Michele and I had a wonderful discussion yesterday morning as we lazily stayed in bed for an hour or so after waking up. For some time now we both have been struggling with feelings of depression and we both have expressed an occasionally desire to “go get in the car,” our euphuism for committing suicide.
The months of job searching took their toll on our energy; spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally we are exhausted. Even small setbacks overwhelm us, and given our current state we have a hard time believing it will ever be “better” again. If the future could only promise more of what we’d already been through then why stay? We both firmly believe in multiple lifetimes, leaving this life only prepares us for the next. We don’t have a fear of death, but we do want to respect this life and give it a full measure. Our real fear is leaving some part of the lesson this time around undone thus creating a need to re-live in some fashion the circumstances of our current life.
Eventually our discussion took us to a new idea, one that we had danced around before but never fully explored. In short we discovered that we aren’t so much ready to leave this lifetime, but rather just our current lifestyle. No matter how good a job either or both us may have we will always be at the mercy of that job. Three of our last four moves have been for purely economic reasons, specifically the loss of my job. The latest iteration of this cycle has already spawned the next move. We are renting an apartment for a year to learn the area (and test the job waters) before committing ourselves to a mortgage.
Part of our reasoning for moving to a larger city was the belief that the end of one job engagement and the start of a replacement would only mean driving to a new work location. In other words we hope KC has enough opportunity to shelter us from moving again until we are ready. Having this cushion is nice, but it isn’t enough as it turns out. We want to be free from the tyranny of working for someone else. We want a situation that is largely, if not completely under our control, one that isn’t as invasive into our lives as the traditional work in an office model.
We want a modern-day lighthouse. Everything about that “model” of work excites us; the isolation from others, the need for self-reliance, the going-it-alone aspect, and the ability to work together without an arbitrary work enforced separation 40 or more hours a week. When I was still active in the martial arts I dreamed of having a two-story structure with a dojo on the ground floor, and living quarters upstairs. The closet thing we’ve found recently to this is being the on-site manager for a long-term storage facility.
When we first discovered there were people who lived on the grounds of some large storage facilities, and who managed them, I was hesitant. Having just spent three months and countless hours finding a new job I was firmly plugged into the tradition work model once again. After our talk Sunday morning however, I am seeing this opportunity in a new light. It is the downstairs dojo, upstairs living quarters idea with a truly viable economic model.
I will admit a certain reluctance to pursue this “lighthouse.” Some of that fear is the realization that it will further set me apart from the mainstream of society. Also, it feels like a one-way transition to me. Once we start managing a facility and I leave behind the corporate world of information technology, I doubt I’ll ever be able to return. Another piece of my fear is that it would work, that we would be happy and free. For much of my life I have struggled with feelings of guilt whenever I was “too” successful. I have held myself back in the past in order to convince myself that I was just like everyone else. The truth is that I am not at all like everyone else. And moreover, trying to model my life and my decisions on what I think other people might do is highly damaging to me.
So it is leap of faith time. As I have captured this posting today I have come to realize that I want to submit our resumes to the storage facility management and at least learn more about what they are offering. As Richard Bach says in “Illusions,” you have to let go of the rocks in order to float free in the crystal stream.
I have discovered one place where Springfield has Kansas City beat. Video rental pricing.
In Springfield you could rent, for five days, any movie you wanted for just $1.00. New release, old classic, or anything in between. DVD or VHS all movies were a dollar. Here in KC the going rate is more like $4.00 plus tax for new releases, and for older DVD titles. VHS is less, but still more than double what I am used to paying.
I’ve been to Blockbuster and Hollywood Video and found basically the same pricing scheme at each store. What this demonstrates is the power of a strong local store. You see, in Springfield we had a locally owned chain of video rental stores called “Family Video.” They only charged a dollar for rentals. The national chains tried repeated to charge more, but Family Video held fast to their low rate. I guess KC doesn’t have a strong locally owned chain to combat the national chains.
That’s too bad.
I am ready to die. The depression that has come as a result of the past few months is worsening, and I feel helpless in its grasp. It seems that every time I find a positive or uplifting piece of news that the world slaps be back down with more negative or out of control energy.
We are teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. If the house in Illinois doesn’t sell soon we won’t be able to stay ahead of our bills. Calls will start coming in and we’ll “go poor” as Michele puts it so aptly. We worked so long and so hard to get away from monthly financial crises, to return to that stressful and agonizing way of living now is almost too bitter a pill to swallow.
Our relationship with each other has suffered in the process. We are both raw and numb at the same time. We are afraid to talk for fear of overwhelming the other, unable to maintain our own balance in the stoic miasma that results. I love Michele more than I can describe in words, and for a long time that has sustained me in times of dire emotion.
I am not sure that my love for her, or her love for me, is enough to make this painful existence worth living any more. My parents are slowly falling apart physically. Every week brings new news of another aliment, another drug reaction, and another doctor to see. Knowing that staying in this life means watching them die, and having to deal with the emotional flood that will result is not life affirming.
My brother and his family are also struggling just above the line that separates those who will stay safe and secure in the world, and those who will slip into the danger zone, perhaps never to recover. Michele and I slipped into that zone in the first year of our marriage. We fought long and hard to recover and were finally almost safe. The loss of my job in March pushed us back into jeopardy, and we remain there still.
I know that if we stay here that we’ll eventually recover. We’ll do without, and sacrifice, and suffer the indignities our “civilization” forces upon those in need. We’ll lose part of ourselves as the scars and wounds this lifestyle will leave will separate us from our core truth.
All I want from life is to be with Michele. The best part of my recent unemployment was being with her all the time. We had talked during the darker days of that period about a cut off date, a date when we would step off this mortal coil rather than face a continued struggle. Our date was to be September 1st. There was something comforting and enabling about having a literal “drop dead” date. We haven’t talked about it since I got my offer, nor since we’ve moved. But with the increase in stress lately I’ve started thinking about it once again.
I know that depression robs you of your ability to think clearly, you lose focus, you are unable to fathom even simple tasks. I feel as if the pressure that is upon us is artificial, that it is somehow there only because I imagine it to be there. And yet I know not how to remove this burden.
The samurai say, “Today is a good day to die.” I’ve taken that to mean control of ones death makes the burdens and challenges in life easier to face. This attitude certainly helped me during the long struggle to find a new job. Knowing that ultimately I controlled my life in the only sense that mattered (i.e. whether I chose to live or die) gave me the strength to face the obstacles in my way. However the caveat to this code is leaving your life in good order before you die. With the outstanding obligations I have I would be leaving responsibilities behind for someone else to deal with. In and of itself this doesn’t disturb me, my only real concern is whether this left behind responsibilities would create karma I would have to deal with in the next lifetime.
For that matter, would leaving now under my own choice create a situation where I’d have to return to similar life to get the lesson or lessons left uncompleted in this life? Or have I reached the conclusion of this lesson? Am I truly ready to move on?
Writing this out has helped to release some of the tremendous negative energy I had building up inside of me. Michele and I cleansed our apartment not too long ago (with startling results), maybe we need to cleanse ourselves too.
Traffic Traffic here in KC is odd. I’ve lived and driven in other large cities and they all have their own flavor of driving. Some sport an aggressive, take-no-prisoners approach to rush hour. Others are fast paced without the aggression. KC is unhurried, almost slow. Few people exceed the speed limit, and plenty are content to mosey along in the far left lane at less than the posted limit. Coming from Springfield where my driving habits placed me in the top 1/3 of assertive drivers, I was shocked to realize that I was now one of the most aggressive drivers on the bypass. Unfortunately the KC Missouri police thought so too, I got a speeding ticket last week on my way home from work.
Apartment Living Apartment living sucks. Having a garage helps, but this is still like staying in a Residence Inn with our own furniture. Michele likens it to living in someone else’s house - you have no control over the other people in the building. The fan that accompanies our A/C is extremely loud, the “walk in” closets are tiny, and the neighbors are loud at times. (The neighbors also have an unprotected Wi-Fi connection, not that anyone here is keeping track mind you.)
Moving While the physical portion of our move is over for the time being, we are both still going through the exhaustion and emotional depression that follows a major life event like this. In our seven year marriage we have moved across country four times now. The first, from Springfield to Vancouver Washington, was at our choice. The remaining three have all be forced due to economic reasons. I. E. I lost my job and found a new one hundreds or thousands of miles away. No matter how positive you manage to be about a new place and a new job, it is still slightly bitter when you feel you’ve been forced to make the move.
Politics We’ve moved to one of the most conservative states in the union. Democrats, heck even liberal Republicans, are thin on the ground here. Thanks to Michele we have discovered a small cell of thinking voters involved in a campaign to elect a liberal democrat to the Kansas Statehouse from our district. It is nice to be around people with similar views and attitudes. It is also fun to be involved in a campaign. You can see my contribution here.
Springfield The news I get from people I still know in Springfield is gloomy. The project I was ousted from has been canceled as near as I can tell. The couple remaining consultants have been moved to other projects, and the three state people assigned are awaiting reassignment. It is sad to think that a world-class distributed project would be scrapped after 7 years of effort and $100,000,000 in expense. And the people in power in Illinois wonder why they have a five billion dollar deficit.
Michele and I have completed the last major task on our moving to-do list. We’ve stored all the overflow items in two climate controlled lockers down the road. Each locker is five feet by ten feet, with about 10 feet of vertical space. We filled each to capacity, so we have 1000 cubic feet of stuff in storage.
Our plan coming here was to rent for a year to learn the lay of the land, and to determine if KC is good for us long term. We had a lot of questions regarding our new adventure, questions that required time to answer. Will my new job be enjoyable and truly long-term? Will Michele find long term employment that is satisfying for her? Will we like the area and its people?
Renting meant less space - much less space. So spare computers, bicycles, lawn chairs and garden hoses are in storage. Along with linens, towels, books, videos, stereo equipment, and pots and pans. Getting this ton or two of stuff from our tiny garage stall to the locker required two trucks, and two longs days of effort. The thought of having to retrieve it all in less than twelve months is enough to make me cry.
So, as I sit here slowly knotting up into a mass of abused muscles, I am wondering if I can bring myself to just throw away or donate away everything left in those two lockers next July.
Seven years ago, on July 26, 1997, I was granted the rare privilege of marrying my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my true companion. She is a woman of uncompromising ethics, rare intelligence, emotional strength beyond measure, and quiet grace. It has been my honor to be her husband for the past seven years, and I am eagerly awaiting each day of the next seven and beyond.
Our relationship is founded on a deep trust, and emotional honesty. When life throws me a curve, or sneaks up on me from behind, Michele is always there with a safe place for me to fall. And when I triumph over an inner demon, or external challenge, she is my greatest fan.
This woman has faced turmoil and hardship time an again during her life. She has overcome obstacles I can’t imagine enduring, much less growing from. She has a unique ability to find the positive lesson in the worst of circumstances. I am inspired by her courage, I consider myself successful when I am able to emulate her actions.
My greatest joy happens when I can make her happy, when I can make her laugh. My greatest sorrow is when I feel I have somehow failed in her eyes.
My Dearest Michele, I love you with all that I am, with all that I can be. You are my inspiration, my joy, my utter happiness. I am proud to be your husband, friend, companion, and lover. I would marry you again in an instant.
I love you Michele.
Go see this movie. Do it today. Take your friends, your family, your coworkers. I don’t care if you agree with Michael Moore or not. His film is the first alternative view we have had of the events leading up to and following the terrorist attacks on the United States in September 2001.
The view itself isn’t as important as its being stated. In America we all have the right to have an opinion. Moreover we have the right to express that opinion. The current political administration is only the caretaker of our country for a prescribed period of time. That they want to forever take away your rights and your freedoms is a crime against our Constitution.
Thank you Michael Moore for giving voice to an alternate view of our country. Thank you for your courage to stand up and speak out when the Orwellian neo-conservative forces in our country want us all to sit down, mind our manners, shut up, and march obediently into a fascist state.
Go see this movie. Exercise that most crucial part of the idea that is the United States of America: your brain. Think. Express. Participate. Speak now or you may lose your voice forever.
I am embarrassed for Decatur Illinois. I grew up there and believe me it is no great shakes. An industry town, it has been slowly dying since the oil crisis and high unemployment days in the 1970s and 1980s. For years I have quietly defended Decatur from those who would smear it and drive it down further. For better or worse it is my hometown.
However, this summer’s season of “Big Brother 5” features a total cretin from Decatur named Jason. He is the epitome of all that is wrong with men in America, and perhaps the world, today.
I am embarrassed for my hometown, and I embarrassed for my gender. I am so glad that I am not a macho, arrogant, meathead idiot like “Jace.”
Michele and I haven’t lived in an apartment since the spring of 1998. And even then it was a duplex where we had reasonably good relations with the couple in the other half. Michele’s last apartment would have been in Colorado Springs in February 1997, mine was earlier, April 1990.
I lived in a rental house for two and a half years, and then the duplex for another five or so. Suffice to say, we aren’t used to communal living. The noises from the apartment above at times make us tense, at other times downright unhappy.
Fate has placed us in a ground floor apartment under at least two men in the mid-twenties, maybe three; with a twenty-ish woman thrown in for spice. They are noisy. We can hear the water from their toilet running through the stand pipe, and we are constantly aware of footsteps. As Seinfeld would say, “they are heavy walkers.”
Parking here is also a problem. Each apartment gets two spaces, one inside their garage and one outside on the shared pad. There are eight apartments sharing our pad, so that means eight outdoor spaces. The guys above us work for a lawn care company and there are always two oversized pickups parked in the prime spaces. They also have a personal pickup and two motorcycles. There are at least three other vehicles always parked outside. At times getting into and our of our garage or outdoor space has been difficult.
Friday evening we were subjected to over an hour of loud music. The thumping of the bass was most prevalent in our little home. At times lyrics could be heard as well. The evening before it had taken me five minutes to back and pull and inch my way around a car blocking me into my space. We reached our breaking point.
Saturday morning we visited the office and lodged a complaint. Friendly neighbors had warned us that the landlord wasn’t diligent about enforcing some of the rules. It turns out that the boys with the loud stereo and big trucks moved in before the leases were amended to restrict the type and number of vehicles allowed in the common parking areas. The landlord’s agent was happy to deal with the noise issue, but we’ll have to see about the parking. She did say that their lease was up in October, and that it would not be renewed.
Last evening, starting around 9:00 and lasting until after 10:00 there was sustained thumping from the apartment over us. We were both aware that we had complained about them that morning and were worried that retribution had started. I would have confronted them directly, but I was afraid that all the frustration from the move and job situation would come boiling out; making a tense situation far worse.
This morning all is quiet on the upper front. Only time will tell just how far out on to the thin ice we skated yesterday with our complaints. Hopefully their October moving date will arrive quickly. And more importantly, we hope the new upstairs tenant will be a quiet, mousy retired couple.