I’ve never read any of the various ‘steps for success’ books that have been in vogue in the past decade or so. That being said, here is the first step for success in my book:
Be Unapologetic For Taking Care of Yourself I freely and openly enter into partnerships that are mutually beneficial, but I will not enter into a relationship that doesn’t take care of me. And I will not apologize or be deferential in establishing the boundary that takes care of me. I am not beholden to any employer or client.
I am an adult and I have total responsibility for my life. The instant I surrender that control in return for a job, or favor, or benefit from some source outside of myself is the instant that I cease being me.
I will always do that which takes care of me. I will take the steps or actions that result in my well-being. I will not void my moral or ethical responsibilities, nor my integrity in the pursuit of self caring. I will be true and loving towards myself first and foremost.
I am here to take care of me, and I will not apologize for meeting that responsibility.
{{ $image := .ResourceGetMatch “fogofwar.jpg” }} yesterday. It was an absolutely compelling look at events from the fire bombing of sixty seven (yes 67) cities in Japan during World War II to Vietnam, and the Cuban Missile Crisis.
We need more films like this one that examine the events of our time through the eyes of key participants.
Michele and I have been together since Valentine’s Day 1997. In the intervening seven years we’ve only been apart two nights. And I can count on the fingers of both hands the number of times I’ve been home alone.
It’s funny, when you are single you never really think about being home alone. Sure, you are aware that you live alone, and that there are sometimes lengthy periods of time where you are the only person there in your home. Still, it isn’t something you appreciate until you haven’t had it for a while.
This morning Michele is off taking an employment examination for the State of Illinois. She’ll be gone for several hours. The house is all mine. For the first time in over three years I am home alone. I can do what ever I want. Mind you, I can do what ever I want when she is home, but this is somehow different.
No, I didn’t dance across the living room like Paul on “Mad About You” when Jamie was away for the weekend. And I didn’t fall apart like him either. But I did enjoy the sense of adulthood that comes from being at home alone when you know your loved one will be returning soon. And the anticipation of the sweetness the reunion will bring with it.
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[ first seen at Veerle’s Blog ]
Ten years ago today I was in Germany for the start of a two-week motorcycle tour of the Alps. Sitting in my room trying to stay awake until it was at least 9 PM locally, I turned on the television. Not speaking the language I was more interested in seeing what foreign programming looked like. The first channel I visited was broadcasting a news program.
It was obvious that the announcer was standing on the Normandy beaches. Knowing that it was (then) the 50th anniversary of the D-Day Landings I could intuit what the report was about. However I had the distinct feeling that the report I was seeing, but unable to understand, was different in its content than similar broadcasts from American news programs from the same beaches that evening. For the first time in my life I truly understood that the rest of the world has a vastly different perspective than those of us in America.
Having a gas heater for our pool adds about 4 or 5 weeks to each end of the swimming season here in central Illinois. We opened the pool in late April this year, and have been swimming in it since the beginning of May. If the past couple of years are any indication, we should still be swimming in late September or early October.
That is as long as the heater is working properly. Last weekend we noticed that the water temperature seemed to be going down every day rather and maintaining our preferred 88 degrees. Going over to the heater and adjusting the thermostat upwards did not cause it to kick on in the expected manner. Uh oh.
We spent the week trying various remedies and experiments to isolate the problem and fix it. After much hunting around we were able to identify the fuse-able link, and to determine that it hadn’t fused. Harder to identify was the location of the flow pressure switch, a device that measures the water flow and only allows heating when the water is moving.
In the end a good friend, Brad, came by and showed us where the flow pressure switch was located. More importantly he figured out that it wasn’t the likely culprit. After testing the electrical circuit he was ready to declare the main circuit board as the problem. However, flipping the unit’s rocker switch from side to side he managed to get the unit running again.
My first impression the day we discovered the heater wasn’t working was that the switch, which has three positions (Off, heat setting one, and heat setting two), was some how messed up. It felt mushy on heat setting one, and apparently didn’t work on heat setting two. Brad was far more forceful in switching it repeatedly than I, and he managed to make it work. So, while the contact for side 1 are obviously no good any more, it is working through side 2, and we are once again heating the pool water.
The water temperature was 84 degrees and climbing at 9 this morning, and with a forecast high of low 80s today, we are looking forward to being in hot water once again.
As if a world class user interface, on top of a powerful FreeBSD rooted operating system wasn’t enough, here is yet another reason to switch from Windows to Macintosh.
On Wednesday last week, May 26th, I got a call from a company that wanted to bid me on a multi-year contract with the state. At first I was hesitant about pursuing this option, as I had just received a verbal offer the day before in Kansas City. After thinking it over for a few minutes, and talking about it with Michele, I decided that I’d be foolish not to at least investigate the option further. After a couple of phones calls with the company, and a quick review of the job description, I consented to having my name submitted for the contract. I now had two bids in play for potential contracts with the state.
Thursday last week was a busy one around here. In the morning I received the overnight package from the job in Kansas City that had been promised to me. The package contained a contract with compensation, non-compete and termination clauses, also included were sign up sheets for direct deposit and health insurance. Not wanting to commit immediately I set all of this aside. My plan was to pick it up again on Tuesday and sign my life away then.
Life may have other ideas however. Thursday afternoon I received a phone call from the company that had wanted to send me to Wisconsin. So far this is the only bunch that has interviewed me face to face.
Even after I turned down a scheduled client interview with them, the account manager has continued to pursue me as a potential employee. She called Thursday afternoon, and we talked about a position she suddenly has open in Bloomington. On the surface the job there sounds much like the job in Kansas City. The account manager was willing to pay me the same salary I had been offered in KC; and this is a place I could drive to from here every day.
Since the drive would be roughly two or maybe two and a half hours each day, driving would not be good long term situation. Keeping the job in Bloomington would mean getting a house there and moving eventually. One of the big plusses is that my brother, and his family, lives in Bloomington’s twin city, Normal. The other plus is that since she needs to fill this position as soon as possible it is likely I’ll have a firm offer in time to consider it before having to move to KC.
Friday we had a moving estimator come and quote us on the cost of having our house completely packed, and moved to KC. Packing our 11,400 pounds came to about $2000; loading, shipping, unloading, and insurance came to another $3500. Obviously moving to Bloomington only 80 miles away, would save us a significant portion of that money. Staying here would save it all.
Saturday we spent most of the day in anticipation of going to see my oldest nephew’s high school graduation. We had a good time at the party afterwards at his home. Sunday we were extremely lazy, managing only to make our meals and take a hot bath.
During our bath together Michele and I had a wonderful discussion of our options. We had both avoided talking about it all day Sunday, giving ourselves some time off from the strain, pressure, and stress. Both of us want very much to stay here if at all possible. Taking the Bloomington job, even with it’s 80 mile commute, is better than having to leave behind our home. Because of our financial situation we’ve had to use a major portion of our home’s equity to survive. Staying here for another 3 years would give us time to wipe out that burden and we’d regain the equity we should rightly have in this house.
I said during our discussion that the problem with waiting for the state contract to happen meant passing on KC well before having a signed contract in hand. It would be a huge roll of the dice, one that required perhaps more faith than I could currently muster. She replied that the Bloomington prospect seems very likely to happen rapidly. The firm there is back-filling a position they already had a contract for, so they were motivated to move quickly. She then pointed out that were the Bloomington position to happen, it would give us the time to wait for a state contract to be signed.
In that one sentence she completely altered my view of our future. Now, instead of having to give up the house and move, we had a viable plan to stay here short term, with money to cover our living expenses, while the best overall employment situation coalesced here in Springfield. Even if a contract never comes out of the state we’d still have a job that allowed us to stay in Springfield for the time being. We also talked about options for finding Michele an entry level position in the information technology world, either at the state or the local senior college where I have contacts.
Four years ago when I was laid off in South Carolina much the same thing happened. Initially it looked like our only option was to move away. But after coming to terms with the emotional side of the equation, I was able to find work that allowed us to stay, and that gave us time to find a better long term solution. Then the eventual solution was moving here. Now I feel the ultimate solution is staying here. I feel revitalized and hopeful again.
An argument could be made that my Powerbook contributed to my, ah, abrupt departure from my last engagement. It was after all the base of my explorations in to TCP/IP networking, ssh, proxies, and NMap.
Curbing my enthusiasm and curiosity will be key in not running afoul of network access restrictions in the future. That, or better technology to obfuscate my activities. <grin />
One approach would be to leave my Powerbook at home when I go off to work. However, after more than a year of constant use, it is as much a part of my daily employment persona as my fedora and suspenders. I will not be happy to leave it home everyday. It serves my electronic books at lunch time, and it is a touchstone of home when I am not there. You might say it is an electronic security blanket.
The other approach is to take it with me. And to tread carefully. The places I’ve worked now cover the spectrum of network access policies; from wide open to look-but-don’t-touch-or-we’ll-fire-your-butt. So I’ll ask first.
As for the role this web site played in my demise, I am not planning on broadcasting the URL for a long time among my future work mates. I don’t think my personal web site should effect my employment at all, for any reason. But since the world doesn’t always work that way I think, I’ll stay low in my foxhole for a while.
I find myself at a crossroads today. One stage of my growth is completing and opportunities for the next stage are making themselves known. Where to go from here is now the most important though that fills my days.
Four years ago I made the choice to return to Illinois, the place of my childhood and most of my adult life. Illinois has always been home for me. The two and a half years away from Illinois were filled with wonderful growing experiences. I needed the lessons being away from home for the first time held for me. In talking with Michele the past day or so about my motivations, I have finally come to realize that the whole time we were away from here I was missing home.
Being back here has allowed me to repair the relationship with my brother, and has allowed me to put my parents into an appropriate light. I have come to understand that my struggles with authority figures stems from frustration about my relationship with my father. I have amended my perception of my mother and I have let go of much of the anger I once held for her.
What is becoming clear to me now is that I have three paths to chose from going forward. I can venture out into the world outside Illinois, trusting myself to build community where ever I find myself so that home is an idea or state of emotion rather than a geographic location.
I could stay here and take the seemingly safe path. A path that would require renewed focus on family relationships. In order to be successful it would also require some community building so that my neglected sense of affiliation can blossom.
Or I could take a position that would put me in contact with a former supervisor on a daily basis, only as a peer. I would be able to confront directly a former source of authority that I chaffed against in silent frustration.
Each of these paths has associated with it a job and various plusses and minuses. Up until the reframing of these three employment prospects as opportunities for personal growth I found myself stymied and unable to make a rational choice. I was fighting against leaving home ( Illinois ) without being able to express the reasons why. Having reframed the decision as a choice between three equal ways to further my personal growth removes the fear of making the wrong choice. Any movement towards positive personal growth cannot by definition be wrong.
Emotionally I am finding a new sense of calm and serenity today. Now that I am making a choice about my personal growth and not reacting to outside pressures about having the right job, I find that I am open to all three options. I am excited by the prospect of each of them. Sitting back and allowing one to naturally unfold will be easy, and that will let me know that this is the best next step for me.
Since losing my employment over two months ago I have wanted to find a way to fuse my personal growth and desired lifestyle with my employment. Now that I am seeing my options as equal but varied expressions of my growth, personality, and lifestyle; I have found that fusion. And I have found my power again.
Yesterday, the 25th, about this time I got the call I’ve been waiting to get for ten weeks. An offer. The written offer is in an overnight pouch scheduled to be here tomorrow.
All through the evening and through most of the night I was a little unhinged by the culmination of physical exhaustion, mental weariness, and emotional battering I have undergone getting to this point. I see-sawed back and forth between wanting to accept the offer and wanting to curl up and die. I know that my conversations with Michele were rambling, disconnected childish attempts and making this whole situation about everyone else.
Today I am back to my normal self. Starting this morning I outlined several points I needed to clarify with new company. The biggest sticking point was the start date. Yesterday I felt very pressured to start as soon as possible, June 7th at the latest. This left us with less than two weeks to find a new place, pack, move, get settled in, list our current home for sale, et cetera. It felt extremely good to be able to negotiate a later starting date, June 28th, and to get my other questions answered. I felt in control of my own life once again.
We’ve taken some time to explore apartment offerings in the metropolitan area, and have made appointments for next Wednesday to visit a couple that we like. Having the extra two weeks of time just makes the pace of this transition more to our liking, and I finally feel excited about this opportunity.
My other options are continuing to move ahead as well. I started the day with one offer in hand, and one possible contract in the works. This afternoon I still have the offer in hand, but I’ve added a second local contract and started the ball rolling on a position outside Louisville Kentucky.
Obviously Michele and I would prefer to stay here and keep our home and our pool for another year or three. And should an offer that makes that possible occur within the next 3-4 weeks we’ll take it. If such an offer doesn’t materialize in that time frame we have a great job in a city we could learn to appreciate waiting for us.
I think that I will sleep better tonight than I have since March.