As I approach the end of week seven of unemployment, life goes on. Bills are getting paid, maple seeds are netted off the pool, and groceries are bought and consumed. The trash gets taken out, and the kitty litter gets changed. Dishes and clothes are dirtied and washed.
It is all starting to feel normal, or at least less out of control. On the one hand I think having a feeling of normalcy is good as it makes being here at home safe. Without a place of safety I’m not sure we could get through this period. So much of our lives outside of our home continues to be out of control.
Our combined search for employment has been largely fruitless. I am starting to grow weary of the process of crafting cover letters. After more than 100 applications across the country I am weary of the whole search. Worse than the tiredness I feel is the sense of doubt the lack of response has given me. It is very hard not to to beat myself up saying, “the only thing common to those 100 applications is me.”
The potential buyer for the house has vanished into thin air. Repeated calls to the number they left only get a message service, and the messages I’ve left have been ignored. I’m ready for the next buyer, however, a contract template is loaded on my computer, ready to filled in and printed. The next offer won’t be considered real until there is earnest money and a signed contract.
My birthday is later this week, May 7th to be exact. My parents have offered to drive over and take us out to dinner. I keep going back and forth over whether to accept their offer or not. To often in the past I have set aside my needs of the moment to try and take care of them. With both of their children out of work presently, I know they are full of unexpressed and unmet emotional needs. An evening with them will be difficult at best. I should call and ask for a rain check.
I realize that depression is setting in, getting a deeper hold on me. Forcing myself to do the little everyday things that I normally would do is helping. Letting myself off the hook for ignoring or putting off larger things is helping too. However I must strike a balance between taking care of myself in the moment and making sure I have a future that is away from this depression. I would feel so much better if I didn’t feel so bad.
Life goes on and on.
I saw this over at Burningbird this evening.
Quite simple one of the best statements on what is needed in America today.
The past week has been long and stressful. On Tuesday Michele got an e-mail from her prospect in Chapel Hill asking her to call and set up a face to face interview. A time was open on Thursday, just two days later, so we scurried around Tuesday afternoon and evening making our preparations.
I, too, it appeared, had a potential opportunity in the Raleigh area. I had gotten an e-mail about a technical writer position, and had filled out a skills survey. We were both thinking it would be fantastic to move to a new city with both of us having jobs. By the end of the business day Tuesday however, I had received an e-mail saying that while I was a strong project management candidate I didn’t have the technical writing focus they wanted.
Wednesday we drove for 14 hours to cover the 865 miles between our home and Chapel Hill. Much of it in heavy rain. By the time we arrived there were were both utterly exhausted and spent. Luckily her interview wasn’t until Thursday afternoon so we had time to sleep in in the morning.
Michele had a long night, awake several times with worry and excitement, about three a.m. she finally managed to fall asleep and stay asleep. In the morning we scouted out the location of her interview and then relaxed in our room. I dropped her off just before her two o’clock interview and went back to the room to wait. We had picked up a street map for Raleigh, and also one for Durham and Chapel Hill. I was going to scout out high end apartments for us to look at on Friday.
She called my at 3:40 saying she was through. When I picked her up she said that the interview had not gone well. Over the phone the company gave the impression of being small and creatively focused, with flexibility towards its employees. In person it was obvious that there were some growing pains as this company was rapidly growing. The overriding sense that Michele got while there was that upper management was struggling with how to scale from a small company to a larger one. Money was tight and getting tighter. In the end Michele decided that she didn’t want to move just to work for them. If we already lived in the area, maybe.
So we started home early. Not wanting a repeat of our 14 hour drive we left Thursday evening around 5:00 p.m. and drove for about five hours. Along the way we talked through her experience at the interview and it became clearer with every mile that it wasn’t a place she wanted to work. We were both disappointed.
Friday we were up at 5:00 a.m. local time and started driving. Our conversation this day was about the potential contract option I had cooking. Through a friend I had learned of an open contract that needed filling for two months, with a potential for a year long contract in July. We were both pleased to have this parachute to use now that a quick move to Chapel Hill was out of the picture.
Imagine our dismay to get home that evening only to receive an e-mail saying the agency had gone with another candidate, one with prior experience there. Now, not only didn’t either of us have a job in the Raleigh-Durham area, we didn’t have our parachute here to fall back upon. I also was informed via e-mail that an instructor position I had applied for with a local consulting firm had been given to someone else.
We spent the weekend licking our wounds and worrying about our future. In the span of a few days we had gone from upbeat and optimistic to crushed and fearful. We are back to where we started over 5 weeks ago, only now we were exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Finding the energy to keep going would be tougher than ever.
Sunday night during dinner Michele discovered one of her molars had cracked. She had been complaining that the tooth, which had been sore due to a sever maxillary sinusitis infection, had felt funny since the infection cleared up a week or so ago. Not painful, just funny. I went to the drugstore and got a little dentist’s mirror and probe. Sure enough, the tooth is cracked. So today we have to call the dentist for an emergency appointment to have the process of repairing it started.
We are battered and beaten mentally from the strain of trying to figure out what to do next. We have worked extremely hard to keep as many options open as possible, but the toll of not knowing where we’ll be or what we’ll be doing is blunting our once sharp thoughts.
We are spent physically, and starting to breakdown. Michele’s tooth being cracked isn’t a result of our situation, but it sure feels like an indication that we are falling apart physically. I’ve only had two decent night’s sleep in over a month; both of those were aided by Tylenol PM.
We are wiped out emotionally. The roller coaster ride from potential job e-mail to a thanks, but no thanks letter, has been repeated enough that we are losing our ability and desire to care. Depression is setting in, and setting in deep. Add to our situation worry over my brother and his family ( he is also out of work ) and we get no respite from our fears anywhere we turn.
All we need is one or two lucky breaks and we’ll be fine. My fear this morning is that we are too far gone emotionally, physically, and mentally to recognize a lucky break even if it presents itself. When this whole mess started in March I was afraid of the future, afraid that ending this life might be the easier way out. Now I am too tired to see beyond making it to lunch today. I’ve lost my fear of ending this life. What scares me in a very detached way are these two questions: Have I lost my fear because at some deep level I know it’ll all work out? Or have I lost my fear because I just don’t care anymore?
Once upon a time, in college, I took a course about religion. It wasn’t so much a comparative study of different religions as it was a glossary of terminology with which to discuss religion. I’ve forgotten most of the material but one concept stands out to this day.
The question of whether God is eternal or everlasting is a key one as how you answer determines whether or not you have free will. There is also a problem with the idea of God being all-knowing.
Eternal was defined as outside of time, no beginning and no ending, and no sense of now. If God were eternal, s/he would know everything that had ever happened, and s/he would also know everything that is ever going to happen.
Everlasting was defined as being inside of time, a beginning and existence up to now, and continued existence forever. If God were everlasting s/he would have knowledge of everything that had ever happened in the past, but s/he would have no more knowledge of the future than you or I.
God can’t be all-knowing if s/he is everlasting, since everlasting doesn’t allow for knowledge of the future. On the other hand, God can be all-knowing if s/he is eternal; you just have to give up free will.
Or do you?
Since the time I took this course, more than two decades ago, I have come to believe that my essence ( soul if you will ) has many, many lifetimes on the physical plane. I believe that all of us have an essence and further, that we all came from a central source. God, or the Tao. The purpose of each essence is the same: to learn and grow from experiences on the physical plane of existence. Each lifetime, each incarnation, contains new bits of information the essence needs on its journey back to God.
Our essence doesn’t die when the current physical body dies. It continues on, it is everlasting. Contained within my essence, and yours, is all the knowledge from all the incarnations you’ve had before. Call it instinct, call it genetic memory, call it voodoo, it is there. Some of us are better at tapping into this reservoir of knowledge than others, but the knowledge is there. We don’t know what the future will be, but we do know our entire past at some deep level. This fits the definition of everlasting.
Which, in a epiphany I had this morning talking to Michele, leaves God free to be eternal and all knowing. S/he knows every possible future for every one of us. No one set future that robs us of free will, but each and every possible future from this point forward.
We are all part of the Tao, part of God, on a journey through a multitude of incarnations as human beings. Each of us is everlasting, and we are each tied to a common eternal being.
Without going into all the details tonight, our trip to Chapel Hill was less than successful in terms of finding suitable employment for Michele. In terms of learning enough about the prospective employer to know that she really doesn’t want to work for them.
On the trip home we talked about our situation and both of us were relived that I had an ace in the whole. An old friend had put in a good word for me and as a result I had a shot at a new contract.
Or so I thought.
This evening after getting home I received an e-mail saying that another candidate, one with prior experience at the client, had been selected. Coming on top of a exhausting trip that was disappointing this is a bitter pill to swallow.
I’m going to bed.
Yesterday was a day of numbers.
865 - Michele and I drove 865 miles yesterday to Chapel Hill North Carolina so that she might attend an interview here today. Our aging road atlas misled us in to thinking the route we chose was more like 800 miles. The alternate route mapped out to 915 by the old atlas. We’ve got a new atlas now, and I will be recalculating the distance before we set off on the return trip Saturday.
14 - It took us 14 hours in the car to drive the 865 miles here. Needless to say we were quite exhausted when we finally arrived. Surprisingly enough there weren’t too many patches of construction to slow us down. The worst happened just 60 miles from the end, and at night fall. Naturally. Even in a Lexus, 14 hours is a painfully long haul.
5000 - At some point during the day the visible hit counter for this site rolled over 5000. That’s 5000+ visits to the zanshin.net home page since September 2001. I’ve had this domain since early 1996 and no longer have any idea how many total visitors I’ve had over the years. I’d be willing to bet that in the years prior to this counter I had a total of 5000 other visits. That would give me a nice round 10,000.
Since I lost my job in March I have been wishing for a new one. I have been dreaming of new possibilities and opportunities. Michele, too, has been exploring her profession’s landscape looking for a chance to utilize her education and experience.
Nothing is certain yet, but we both have some movement towards new work engagements. Hers is perfect for her at first glance, and we have spent an agonizing week waiting to see if there will be a second glance opportunity. In the eight years we’ve been together she has left behind or given up job opportunities four times as my career, and my choices, have taken us across the country and back again. It feels right to allow her career to dictate our move this time.
After weeks of little or no feedback to my resume campaign I am finally starting to hear from recruiters and hiring managers. I, too, appear at first glance to have an opportunity in the same geographic area as Michele. This is a good thing. Nothing definite mind you, just a skills survey that was well received and an indication of a phone call to come.
A new geographic location means selling our house, and as luck would have it a potential buyer stumbled on to our property over the weekend and fell in love with it. All of the pieces are coming together.
At least all of the physical world pieces. Emotionally I think we are both still torn about all the changes this move will mean for us. I know I am struggling with once again moving away from my family. The thought of another move, one that will take us away from a house we love and our cherished pool, is a painful one for both of us. We balance the thought of leaving here against the thought of moving to a place where Michele can exercise her career to its fullest. If we could stay here we wouldn’t have to give up our home, but it might mean Michele giving up her career once again.
Of course staying means finding employment here. Oddly enough an opportunity has presented itself that would more than match my prior income, right here were we live now. This would mean no move, no loss of family connection, no leaving behind the house and pool. It would also mean that I would have to find a way to live with the idea that she has given something up for me. She would tell you that being with me is the most important thing in her life, that the job doesn’t matter. But I would have to find a way to frame our staying here so I didn’t feel guilty about closing a door on her career just for me.
In the end I think our choice will come down to intangibles, emotions and feelings. Physically we’ve been through cross-country moves before. We understand the trauma and toll it will take on our bodies and emotions. Somehow we will have to weight the unknown benefits and costs of the new location and careers against the known advantages and short comings of staying here.
The choice may eventually be made for us. None of the remote potential employment options is in any way guaranteed. The buyer for our house hasn’t come forth with earnest money or proof of an ability to purchase it. The contract option here may not happen, and if it does is only for 2 months initially, with a chance at new 12-month contract to follow.
Beginning nearly five weeks ago we started wishing for options to get us out of this situation. We did all the gut wrenching emotional work to come to terms with what had happened and what it might mean for the future. We prepared ourselves for any eventuality. We have worked extremely hard to keep doors open as long as possible; now the time when we’ll have to make choices that will close some of those doors is approaching.
Now we face the challenge of balancing our desires and wishes for a life together against the intrusions of careers and obligations. We appear to have before us options that match all of our wishes: the ability to move on and the ability to stay. The promise of new employment opportunities and the continuation of our life as it was before. Be careful what you wish for, for you will surely get it.
Hicks told me to:
Grab the nearest book.
Open the book to page 23.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
From “Chasing the Dime” by Michael Connelly:
“She shouldn’t have been allowed to just waltz out the door at the end of the day.”
Recently I posted a piece about a new definition ( to me any way ) of faith. Since then a lot has happened in my life that has required, oddly enough, faith.
Being out of work, not knowing what the next day holds, feeling adrift in the world, requires a lot of faith. I can not control what happens when I send my resume off to a prospective employer. I can not cause some one to show up and buy my house. I am unable to make any plans for the future because I don’t know what the future is any more. Beyond getting up every day, and eating, there is little I have control over. The rest happens.
I could agonize over all the bits and pieces that are beyond my power to control, but that would drive me slowly insane. I could get angry at the events that led to this situation, but only I would suffer from that anger. I could turn on Michele and take my frustrations out on her simply because she is here with me, but that would only drive away my best friend and stanchest supporter.
I could do all of those things, or I could trust myself. I could trust that I am doing all I can do move forward. I could trust that a new job will come. I could trust that I will be okay. All I need do is trust without reservation. All I need is faith.
As week four of my unemployment draws to a close I find that I am filled with mixed emotions. We have had good days and good news recently. Unfortunately our recent good fortune makes my awareness of our predicament even more acute.
We had a good couple of days towards the end of last week. We allowed ourselves to take an afternoon trip to St. Louis one day, and went to the movie matinee the next. Over the weekend we saw my entire family for Easter and had as good a time as could be expected under the circumstances.
On Monday, Michele, had a phone interview with a company in North Carolina that went extremely well. She is very excited about the idea of working for them, and all indications are that they will conduct a face to face interview soon and make her an offer after that. To have a potential income on the horizon has been hugely uplifting for both of us. I am very proud of Michele, and excited for her.
It does bring up some issues we have so far ignored or tabled. Moving and selling the house are two big ones. There is so much to do in order to get from here to there once an offer is made and accepted. Money will be tight, but not impossibly so; selling the house will help tremendously. But selling the house will be bittersweet at best for me.
Because of bad decisions regarding our finances and taxes that I made, we had to mortgage the house heavily to get caught up. Losing my job right on the heels of getting my back taxes paid puts a lot of pressure on getting a new income quickly so that I don’t fall behind again.
No matter how I slice the numbers we will be lucky to leave here with three quarters of the money we came with in 2000. And it maybe as little as a third. Sure, we’ll have paid everything off except for the car, we’ll be debt free. But we won’t have a house, and we won’t have a decent down payment for one either.
It all seemed so simple 4 years ago. Having a $75 per hour bill rate was going to solve all our problems. I thought I was finally going to make so much money that money would no longer be an issue. Turns out that throwing money at your problems doesn’t work after all. Who knew?
Maybe in the long run leaving here with just enough to start over elsewhere will be good. I have been cured of my need for things. The pursuit of material possessions no longer holds any real interest for me. But I hate that my need to learn this lesson has forced us to the brink of bankruptcy and financial ruin. I hate that my unhappiness with my employment situation may have contributed to its early termination and therefore amplified our situation.
All I know right now is that it is 2:30 in the morning and I am unable to sleep. My fears are wide awake and every time I close my eyes the what if questions start hammering away at me. I am sorry that I didn’t pay closer attention to the realities of being self employed. I am sorry I couldn’t compromise my sense of who I was in order to stay employed. Most of all I am sorry for all the pain and stress this has caused Michele. She has endured so much in her life, usually at the hands of someone else. I hate that my actions in part have once again placed her in a tenuous, stressful situation.
I feel as if we are so close to a better situation and a better life. A life that is styled to take care of our real needs ( read emotional and spiritual ) and not a life of chasing money or things. We just need a couple of breaks to go our way and we’ll be okay. But so many breaks haven’t gone our way and it is easy to see all the thing that can go wrong. I have tremendous faith and belief in Michele, and in her understanding of our circumstances. She is mostly optimistic, and sees a better future for us. In all honesty I am not able to see that future just yet. I need to trust in her. And I need to confide these negative thoughts and feelings to her, and to you the reader, so that they don’t overcome me.
I am my own enemy right now. I have to resist the urge to fight with myself about my past actions. Rehashing what I did or didn’t do isn’t going to get us to a better place. I have met the enemy, and he is me. Now I must find a way to forgive him, and console him, so that I might move on.