(1) The seller must have a real e-mail address. Not just a hotmail, yahoo or other web based service. Web based e-mail accounts are simple to set up using made up personal information. Don’t trust them. If the seller claims it is their only address then ask for a home phone number.
(2) The auction listing must contain actual photographs of the item for sale. If not, the seller should be able to produce these in response to an e-mail query.
(3) If the seller has no feedback (“I’m new”) then they should be willing to accept the use of an escrow service or a program like amazon payments that protects the buyer against fraud.
(4) If the seller has a positive feedback rating they still should be willing to use an escrow service at the expense of the buyer. Yes it will take a little longer for them to get their money, but without it the buyer could be left holding the bag.
(5) The seller should promptly respond to all e-mail queries. At the risk of being xenophobic, the seller should be able to use English without sounding like a two-year old.
(6) Sellers only wanting Western Union payments should be avoided at all costs. This coupled with a hotmail account gives the seller complete anonymity.
(7) Auction listings that are merely copies of the manufacturers web site should be avoided. Likewise if the picture on the listing, or provided in response to an e-mail, (#2) above, is from the manufacturers web site avoid the auction.
(8) Auction sites with a bare minimum of description or details should be carefully evaluated. No picture plus no description equals potential fraud.
(9) Any auction that seems to good to be true probably is too good to be true. Compare the item you are bidding against with other similar items. If the bids, or take it now price aren’t close, then be wary.
(10) If the seller cancels the auction and then contacts you to sell the item directly because “they want to avoid any auction site fees”, you should be very wary. Most auction fees are paid up front. Once you are outside of the boundaries of an auction you have even less protection than before.
I bought tickets to see the Peter Gabriel concert in Chicago today. In the process I learned a lesson. You see, I didn’t ask my wife if she wanted to go with me. I knew that she wasn’t a big fan and that huge crowds like that just aren’t her cup of tea. So I assumed that she wouldn’t want to go and got tickets for a friend, who is a fan, and myself.
What I should have been thinking was how she would feel to be asked, and conversely how it felt to her not to be asked at all. My “knowing” that she wouldn’t want to go didn’t take into account her feelings about being included.
We had a long discussion about inclusion and our relationship. Like all relationships ours has needed some nurturing to grow and be successful. I have learned to be considerate of her and her feelings over time. She has learned to consider me and mine as well. We both know that there will be times when our feelings are hurt, further we both understand that we each, individually, control whether we are hurt by the other’s actions.
We have learned that there is a cost to having a partner. By having open honest talks about what is going on we avoid having this cost grow to a point we can’t pay. We deal with things when they are little, before they grow.
I fell down in not asking her if she wanted to see the show with me. I didn’t keep up my end of the bargain, and as a result I have to pay a higher cost now to allow her the space to say the things she needs to say, and to express her emotions without any judgment from me. I gladly paid this cost because we grew closer together in the process.
Last night, actually this morning at 1:21 am I won a bid for a supposedly new Apple Powerbook G4 Titanium laptop. The upscale 800MHz model, with 1 GB of RAM and a 60 GB hard drive. The seller accepted Amazon payments so I’ve plunked my cash down and now I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of a box.
Then I’ll know if I got the deal of a lifetime or taken for a ride.
I am still struggling with purchasing a Powerbook G4 laptop. I have rationalized it over and over again, and yet, when I get to the point of actually making the purchase I get stuck. I want someone else to tell my it’s okay, I want someone else to be responsible for the ultimate decision. To her credit, my wife won’t play that game with me. I want her to say, “Mark get the laptop. I think it is okay and that you should make the purchase.” If she were to do that it would move her into a parental role for the boundaries of this purchase. I would be the child, absolved of responsibility since the adult made the choice. This would not be healthy for her, our relationship, or me.
Since I don’t want her to make the decision, and given that I am not moving forward with the purchase I realize that there is something else afoot that I am not acknowledging. There is some other emotional piece that I hadn’t sorted through to my satisfaction. In my private thoughts I wonder about the fiscal responsibility of buy such an expensive toy when we have some obligations to meet. Even though I am qualified for the Apple loan program and can spread the cost of this purchase across many months if I desire, I am hesitant to oblige us in this manner. We spent over 2 years paying off all of our unsecured debt. Today we only owe on our cars, the house, and the pool. We got rid of all our credit cards and now we only buy things that we can afford in the moment. Buying this laptop is a break from a pattern that is well established; it is perhaps a step backwards.
I guess I am afraid that using the Apple loan scares me because this would be the second purchase made on time in almost 5 years. (The first being a refrigerator for our home.) It feels very good to have qualified for the Apple loan, especially since we have difficulty getting unsecured loans due to the marks on our credit from using CCCS to pay off our debt. I know that this laptop loan would not be unsecured ~ the laptop could be repossessed if I didn’t pay for it ~ and that is why I qualified. Still, it feels very good to be accepted and I want to act on that acceptance and use the loan program to give myself this new object. The conflict comes from that part of me that worked so hard to pay off our debts, from that part of me that is proud to be debt free. I am loath to step back towards buying things I can’t pay for immediately.
We do have enough money in the bank for me to purchase this item outright. That is also a great feeling. However, as I am independently employed I have to be careful about depleting our savings. The total purchase price for the top-of-the-line model represents about 8 days work for me. I could work extra days for a couple of months and have cash to make the purchase without regrets.
That last thought resonated with me; I like the idea of having no regrets about this purchase. In rereading this posting and the others on this same topic, I see that I am really struggling with the perceived aftermath of making this purchase. How will I feel about it afterwards? If I knew that I would be satisfied and happy, with no regrets or remorse, then it would be easy to make the decision. However, I feel as if I am going to have some remorse unless I find a way to make this purchase in a way that feels fiscally responsible to me.
I understand that I associate my emotions about a purchase with the purchased item afterwards. If I buy something when I am in a good space emotionally then that object always feels good to me. If, however, I purchase out of fear, or unexpressed emotion, then the object always makes me feel uneasy. Once upon a time I leased a new BMW when I was feeling very depressed and anxious emotionally. For the entire term of that lease I fretted and worried about that car. Most of the enjoyment of owning it was lost in the worry and stress it caused in me.
Currently I have a bid against a Powerbook in an online auction. I have place a maximum on the bid that I can afford to spend without feeling any regret afterwards. If I am successful and I get the laptop I will be very happy. If I am not successful then I will continue to save my money and watch the auction sites for other opportunities. Whether I find one for a good price online or save enough to buy one new, I will have acquired this object in a way that respects me. I won’t have any remorse afterwards, and I will be able to fully enjoy my purchase.
For the last couple of weeks I have struggled with an obsession about wanting a Powerbook G4 Titanium laptop from Apple. I have learned some important lessons about myself along the way. In a way these new understandings have eased my craving for this laptop, as I better understand some of the emotional motivations behind the need. On the other hand my desire has been strengthened because this laptop would always represent some significant and important growth milestones in my personal development.
Yesterday in a long discussion with my wife and partner, Michele, I came to the understanding that my parent’s paradigms for making purchases are very different from each other. The two methods are diametrically opposed and often at odds with each other. Being the child of both parents I have some of each paradigm, and therefore I am often in conflict with myself when making purchases. One paradigm is logical and emotionless; it is about minute detail and mastery of knowledge about the purchase. The other is centered in frugalness and in denying desires that may not be worthy. Neither of these processes works for me, and yet I try to force myself into some hybrid paradigm combining both.
I have strong intellectual and emotional centers to my personality. The logical mastery paradigm appeals to my intellectual center, but it creates conflict with my emotional center. The frugal denial paradigm creates conflict with my emotional center as well. For most of my life I have strived to be only intellectual, I have suppressed my emotional center to the point that I have manifested some physical aliments. In the past few years I have focused heavily on my emotional center, learning how to have balance between my intellectual and emotional centers.
The Powerbook search initially followed the logical paradigm. I was collecting facts and figures, comparing it to other similarly equipped machines. However, even this initial stage had some emotional conflict, as the whole reason for selecting an Apple is emotional ~ I like the way it looks and feels. When I reached the stage where I was seriously ready to purchase the whole frugalness/worthiness paradigm raised its head. Even considering letting myself have something this good was incredibly difficult; actually making the purchase was beyond me.
Added to this turmoil was a situation involving a prolonged physical ailment my wife and I have faced together for the past 4 years. It had been very pronounced for the past few weeks and we were both stretched pretty thin emotionally and physically as a result. I was feeling very helpless and out of control and turned the Powerbook purchase into my own personal grail of release and relief. If I could just get this machine in the manner I wanted everything else would be okay. Only I wasn’t dealing with the fear and upset from the physical situation and I was trying to use the purchase of a new laptop to make myself feel better.
The real conflict was the building need to release my pent up emotions about the physical situation and not giving myself permission to do so. These retained emotions added tremendous content to the heretofore-intellectual pursuit of a new laptop. But the now tremendous need for completing the laptop purchase triggered my guilt over letting myself have good things. In the end I was an emotional wreck.
It took a couple days to decompress and sort out all that stuff that I had wrapped up in a seemingly innocent desire to buy a laptop. I was able to express openly and honestly all the pent up fear and anger I had about the physical issue my wife and I are dealing with. Then I was able to understand that my mother and father have their own unique ways of making purchases. Neither of these paradigms works for me. Finally I was able to see that I hadn’t done anything wrong along the way that I was just being human.
Today I still want to have a laptop, most preferably a Powerbook G4. I delight in objects that are aesthetically appealing, and also in new (to me) technologies. It also satisfies my logically constructed list of requirements. Having this laptop would please me and reward me for some hard growth work well done.
Today I also see, once again the power of emotions, and the damage that can happen if they aren’t openly and honestly expressed in a safe place. I am truly blessed for I share my life with a woman who is my safe place. She understands what it is to be human and gives me the room to explore my emotions and my intellect openly and without fear of judgment.
Today I see that I am moving even farther out of the shadow of my parents. They have habits that work for them. I am developing habits that work for me. I am becoming my own man. I am proud of myself for the new understandings I’ve gained. I am stronger and healthier today than ever before.
I have been struggling with allowing myself to have a new laptop. This is not something I need to have. My wife and I already own three desktops and an IBM ThinkPad. We are not lacking computing power.
The ThinkPad is a fine machine, and since it only cost the price of a new hard drive ($90) to have, it was a perfect machine. However it wasn’t new, and it isn’t sexy.
I want something new, sleek, and sexy. I want something light and portable, that does all the new computer things. I want an Apple Powerbook G4.
When asked about my reasoning behind this need I was unable to define a good reason. I have been battling a depression for sometime now and I want this new toy to bring me up again. I know that putting responsibility for my happiness on something external like that is not a good idea. The up turn in emotion is short-lived, and often followed by an even deeper depression; as now you’ve added a potentially ill-conceived choice to the mix.
I want it because no one else I know has one. While many of my peers have laptops, they don’t have this one. I want it because it will make me feel better or more special than them.
What really threw gas on this particular fire was seeing a listing on an online auction site for a new Powerbook at a fraction of the new price. In the end I decided that the person selling was running a scam and I didn’t follow through. I felt helpless in the process, and I felt as if I was losing my dream machine.
My depression lately has been due to a feeling of helplessness at long-term physical issue my wife and I have been dealing with. There is nothing either of us can do about this situation except hang on had ride it out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but for now we both feel depressed and out of control. Getting this Powerbook, and moreover, getting it the way I wanted to get it, would go a long ways towards making me feel in control again.
I know that there is nothing wrong with wanting a new toy, even it that toy costs many hundreds of dollars. There is nothing wrong with wanting it to impress other people or to make myself feel special. What is wrong is expecting the purchase of something to meet emotional needs that aren’t expressed or understood.
Michele and I had a very long discussion this morning about my obsession this week with getting a Powerbook. In the end I had discovered that I was trying to address my fears and depression by buying something. Better to express those fears, and cry the tears of depression openly and honestly with my wife, than to suppress them and make a purchase that will be forever tainted by the emotional memory I’ll associate with it.
I am going to sleep on my decision to make this purchase now. I need time to reassemble myself after the hard emotional work I did uncovering the real needs behind my obsession with getting this thing. Even though I can now separate my reasons for needing and wanting a laptop from my emotions about our situation, I am still vulnerable and need to be cautious so that I don’t set myself up to be hurt again.
I am starting to develop a complex. My luck with online auctions is continuing to be awful.
The “From Russia With Love” Powerbook auction continues to be a source of amazement to my wife and me. The seller claims, in his words, “to be in the bussines trip in Ukraine” and refuses to use an escrow service. All I have to do is Western Union him the money and his wife here in the states will “shipp” me the Powerbook. His latest offer was for me to send half the money now and half after I got the package.
There was another Amazon auction with over a week to go that looked promising, but yesterday that one dropped of the list. I am assuming someone made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
Yesterday morning there was a new Amazon auction from Atlanta with a low take-it-now price. I contacted the seller via e-mail to see about using the escrow service and after several hours got a reply stating that the item had already sold.
This morning I found a Powerbook auction on eBay with a low buy-now price; the laptop had been at a failed dot-com so the seller didn’t need much to part with it. I sent an e-mail asking for purchase directions (per the site) and was waiting for an answer when I discovered the auction had been pulled by eBay since “an unauthorized party had accessed the account.” I was told to stop any payments I may have already made and contact my credit card fraud department if necessary.
If I hadn’t actually held one of these beautiful machines in my hands at the local Apple store recently I would start to think they were mythological and that I was bidding on a dream rather than reality.
I am seriously considering changing my persona on these two auction sites. It seems that bidding as me is the kiss of death.
Sigh.
Ever since I was a child I have felt a tremendous stigma about asking for anything for myself. As a child when I was at someone else’s house, my mother would get upset if I asked for something. If a drink was offered I could accept but it was bad form to ask first.
One of my childhood buddies could have friends sleep over at his house. When he called to ask, sometimes I could go for the night. If I asked if I could go the answer was always no. I learned to use the phone in the basement to call him first to get him to call me and ask if I could spend the night. Later I realized that at least part of the reason I couldn’t go was my mother felt she would then have to return the favor and allow him to stay the night in our house.
As an adult I still carry around this idea of don’t ask. Even when things are offered to me I have a difficult time allowing myself to enjoy what was freely offered. This has become punishing in that the message I am giving myself is that I am not worthy of having what I desire.
For some years now I have wanted a wiz-bang laptop. One with all the bells and whistles, one that no one else I knew owned. I wanted to feel special in this regard. Now, thanks to an auction on Amazon I am within hours (maybe) of getting just such a machine. I have struggled since last evening about letting myself complete this purchase. I even dreamed about it during the night.
In the end it boils down to letting myself ask for a glass of water because I want it and because it will make me feel good. I can choose to deny myself this pleasure once again, but I now understand that is punishing myself for no good reason. No one is going to pat me on the head and remark what a good little boy I am for denying myself things that I truly desire. Or I can choose to act on my desire and allow myself the joy of having something new.
I choose joy.
It appears I narrowly missed getting scammed on my online auction bid. At noon time today I went to check to see if I was still winning only to discover that the auction had been cancelled. Furthermore, when I checked the other 4 auctions “lisawarren” had listed, they were all cancelled as well.
Oddly enough just last week I read the account of a teenaged boy who, after scamming dozens of auction buyers before getting caught, explained the things to look for as signs all is not as it seems.
I asked about the payments and got no answer. I also asked about using an escrow service and got no answer. Well, no direct answer. Within hours of my escrow e-mail all the offerings from “lisawarren” were cancelled.
So, I am glad not to have been scammed, and sad to not get a Powerbook.
For some time now I have lusted for an Apple Powerbook G4. Even though I am a die-hard PC user I can’t get the form and function of this laptop out of my mind. I’ve gone to the local Apple store and touched one. This only made my desire stronger. The switch commercials on TV haven’t helped either.
Tonight on Amazon Auctions there is a G4 for sale. 800 MHz, 1 GB memory, 60 GB HDD, and so on. There is no reserve and the take-it-now price is only $1100. This baby sells for $3900 from Apple.
Is this one hell of a deal, or my dad’s warning that you don’t get something for nothing coming true. I haven’t pulled buy it now trigger, but I have bid up tp $425. The protection plan that Amazon has will cover this amount and more if I use their Amazon Payments option. So basically I am covered.
And if I have it for a couple of weeks and don’t like it, I can always sell it very slightly used on Amazon and recoup my outlay.