The development work I perform as a consultant involves a shared code-base. All the work done by all the developers here is kept in a central repository. Each of us has one or more workspaces where we can check out code, make changes to it, and later integrate our changes so that the other developers have access to the latest version.
Over time, due to constant changes being made by developers the central repository grows in size. Once it reaches a gigabyte bad things start to happen. The way to restore order is to export all the code to a file, destroy the repository and then build a new repository in its place. Once the new repository is in place all the work is imported from the file. This usually reduces the size from 800~900 meg to 200 or so.
It is critical that each developer integrate his or her work prior to this cleanse process, otherwise it will be lost forever. Once that old repository is deleted there is no going back. There is no undo.
Last night there was a cleanse and I was certain that I had integrated all of my work. This morning, however, when I opened my workspace in the brand new repository none of my recent changes were there. In fact it appeared that none of the work from the past month was there.
I freaked out. For a few moments I thought I had screwed up my integration or forgotten it altogether. The past month has been extremely busy and productive in terms of new code for me. I had created dozens of new windows, and written hundreds, thousands of new lines of code. All seemingly gone.
Friday the 13th indeed.
In the end the problem was larger than just me. The process to import the backup file had used the wrong version of the backup file. Everyone had been reset to August 15th. Simply by re-running the load process with the correct file order would be restored.
For me the worst part of the experience today was the few moments when I first discovered all my code was missing. When I was worried that I had screwed up. It was a major “oh no” second.
My lapse of reason has passed now.
It has been a rough couple of weeks. Michele, we believe, has finally entered menopause. This is a relief as the pre-menopause condition she had is finally over. However the final round of DUB left her very anemic and this has resulted in the worst case of edema she’s experienced yet. The excess fluid in her body is making it very difficult for her to breathe. I have been doing chest and back percussion several times a day to help her clear the congestion from her lungs. Neither of us is sleeping well as a result, and we are both scared of the change in her condition.
I like to think that for all its discomfort this is a good sign, a sign that she is coming out of the DUB. But after 4 years of expecting one thing, to have a whole new set of symptoms is frightening at times. We have done lots of reading on the internet, comparing her symptoms to those of many scary diseases. Fortunately we have been able to eliminate all from the list of causes. Each time we come back to the fact that she is anemic, and as a result has edema. As her body catches up and rebuilds its blood supply both of these conditions will go away.
Emotionally we are both wrecks. Adding in a unhealthy dose of not enough sleep we are given to huge mood swings. So far we have managed to talk out our feelings and express our fears. I know that after 4 years of battling the DUB she is bone tired physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know there are times she considers what it would be like to end it all.
Part of me shrieks inside when we talk about her ending her own life. Another part wants her suffering to end so she can rest forever. We are skating along a very thin piece of ice; our balance is delicate these days. Our talks have helped us to stay on the solid side of the ice, but my greatest fear is that some new physical torment will present itself and push her beyond her ability to cope.
I want to believe that she will be okay, that in a few weeks her blood volume will be normal again and that her body will recovery. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that my fear is she is dying, and that these are our final days together.
Comedian trailer
001 ~ My favorite dessert is New York style cheese cake 002 ~ I like that I am getting white hairs 003 ~ I am afraid of open closet doors in the dark 004 ~ I dislike people who are overly familiar 005 ~ I am fascinated by patterns that repeat or are palindromes 006 ~ I believe in reincarnation 007 ~ I like technology better than most people 008 ~ I understand the difference between masculine and macho 009 ~ I am masculine
010 ~ I am a sucker for come-from-behind-against-all-odds stories 011 ~ I love the feeling of driving fast at night on a dark road 012 ~ I love baking cakes and breads 013 ~ I hate people who don’t listen to what is being said 014 ~ I used to be outwardly stubborn, now I am inwardly determined 015 ~ My favorite color is red 016 ~ I like being in my forties 017 ~ I find making a list like this one difficult 018 ~ I am comfortable being alone, but I do not like being lonely 019 ~ I believe I have an ancient soul
020 ~ I want to be remembered as a gentleman, husband, and true friend 021 ~ I believe in living for today 022 ~ I am endlessly fascinated by observing people 023 ~ I will leave this lifetime on my own terms in my own way 024 ~ My middle name is ‘Hanford’ after my great-grandfather George Hanford 025 ~ I got my college degree 13 years after completing college 026 ~ My greatest fear is losing my mind/identity 027 ~ I am proudest of my relationship with my wife 028 ~ I like James Bond movies, but only with Sean Connery 029 ~ I had a crush on my 8th grade mathematics teacher, Mrs. Johnson
030 ~ I never had a date in high school or college 031 ~ I think the Survivor television series is the best television ever 032 ~ I have always wanted to sail around the world 033 ~ The most profound book I ever read was ‘Illusions’ by Richard Bach 034 ~ I don’t understand people who think hunting is a ‘sport’ 035 ~ I believe we are wrong for not giving boys the chance to be emotional 036 ~ I believe in evolution 037 ~ I believe in karma 038 ~ I believe the new millennium started on 1.1.2001, not 1.1.2000 039 ~ I think a woman without makeup is far prettier than one who has to hide her features
040 ~ I am unhappy with my body 041 ~ I never thought I would be happily married 042 ~ I am the 13th and final generation of my family in this country 042 ~ I have ADD and some OCD 043 ~ I don’t believe it when people tell me I am good 044 ~ I have never gotten over my sister’s death 045 ~ Hearing ‘Amazing Grace’ on bagpipes always makes me cry 046 ~ I have been to all 50 states except Alabama 047 ~ I believe you should give money to homeless people 048 ~ My favorite food is chili 049 ~ I like cats better than dogs
050 ~ I like to sneeze loudly just because I can 051 ~ I have an ornery streak that I don’t indulge 052 ~ I think the world would be a better place if we all did what made us happy 053 ~ I like the feeling of being awake late at night when my wife is asleep 054 ~ I like the smell of fresh asphalt 055 ~ My favorite season is autumn 056 ~ I have always wanted to be able to play the cello 057 ~ I love thunderstorms 058 ~ As a child I thought the radio station could tell when I turned my radio on 059 ~ I have always wanted to learn to fly
060 ~ I hate it when people tell me to do something because it’ll be good for me 061 ~ I have a Shotski’s ring 062 ~ I got my ear pierced because I like the way it looks 063 ~ I love long hot showers or baths 064 ~ I can juggle 065 ~ I have skydived. Once. 066 ~ I once drove my motorcycle 135 miles per hour 067 ~ I love cold weather because I like wearing oversized warm clothes 068 ~ I used to be embarrassed by my quality of life 069 ~ I am glad that I peaked in my forties and not my teens
070 ~ I find people who talk about other people, tedious 071 ~ I hate call waiting 072 ~ I once held a second degree black belt in karate 073 ~ I am fascinated by all the wild animals that live among us 074 ~ I can pick things up with my feet 075 ~ I love roller coasters 076 ~ I think puns are the best kind of joke 077 ~ I love to read 078 ~ I love going to movies 079 ~ I am afraid of crawl-spaces
080 ~ ‘The Exorcist’ was the scariest movie I ever saw 081 ~ I think governments spend too much money on technology and war, and not enough on people 082 ~ I love to have my calves scratched after wearing socks all day 083 ~ I love veal 084 ~ I loved living in the Pacific Northwest better than anywhere else I’ve lived 085 ~ I believe that dolphins and whales are at least as intelligent as humans. Maybe more so 086 ~ I don’t like dogmatic religion 087 ~ I think all history is revisionist 088 ~ I like snow 089 ~ My favorite flavor is grape
090 ~ I don’t care what people think of me 091 ~ I think selfishness is a good thing 092 ~ I like who I am 093 ~ I like 4th of July Fireworks 094 ~ Golden Cadillac’s are my favorite after dinner drink 095 ~ I am not afraid of heights, nor do I suffer from motion sickness of any kind 096 ~ I believe the mind is infinite in capacity 097 ~ I think emotional balance, and a full range of emotional expression is key to good health 098 ~ I think people are their names 099 ~ I make instant judgments on people and rarely change them
100 ~ I like being self-reflective
Sorry for the lack of posts here lately. I guess I have been doing pretty good on the whole. I’ve been feeling tired a lot lately and finally decided it was stress from work. I have managed to take some time off here and there and that is helping. I took last Friday off, and this coming weekend is Labor day. So a couple of 4-day weeks ~ that’s nice.
In mid-September we are taking a 5-day mini-vacation to western New York to visit the “I Love Lucy” museum and one of Michele’s many childhood homes. I am very much looking forward to be cut off from the world for 5 days.
And it’s only 119 days until our Hawaii cruise in December… not that anyone is counting.
I recently came to understand that I have ADD or attention deficit disorder. I used to laugh at all the people who had all these kids who were labeled ADD. I though it was just some passing fad in the medical world to bilk people out of money for drugs and treatments. I would say that had ADD been a term when I was growing up I would have been tarred by its brush.
I guess the jokes on me.
For the most part I am able to handle my ADD but there are triggers that set it off. When I am, for the lack of a better word, lucid, I understand all of this and it makes sense to me. However, when I am in my ADD state I can’t hold a thought much less understand why I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams.
Today when I got home from work the cleaning lady was still there. This upset me greatly and my sweetheart and I ended up driving around in the car so I could be someplace else while the cleaning was finished. I was able to talk out my feelings and discover some of the underlying emotions that occur with my ADD. Emotional expression in my house growing up was something frowned upon. Or at least that is how it felt to me. The salient point is that I didn’t learn how to fully express my anger, sadness, upset, etc. What I did do was internalize most of my stronger emotions. When I did express emotions I felt that I was told to stop and I eventually started to feel guilt about having them. I started to think that no one else had them and that I was somehow strange because I did.
Being in a situation that feels like my childhood, a situation where I have strong emotions but for some reason feel I can express them, brings out my ADD. I can’t focus on anything and I want to do everything and nothing all at once. Today I wanted to be angry at the cleaning lady for still being here 6 hours after she started. But I couldn’t let myself because I felt like a kid again in my parents house. Cleaning was not something my mother enjoyed and it certainly wasn’t something you made waves around, if you knew what was good for you. I couldn’t allow myself to express my anger this afternoon because my inner child was still afraid of what would happen if I did. Only by removing myself from the situation could I calm down enough to comfort that part of me that was afraid.
I am not sure I fully understand the connection between these old emotional scars and my ADD, but I do see that they are somehow interconnected. More and more now I am aware of when I am ADD and my hope is that I will be able notice my emotional state during those times so that once I am “lucid” again I can sort out what is really going on. I guess in someway ADD is a defense against having to express strong emotion. Only I am not defending against any one except myself.
We had a good weekend. It was rough at times as I was doing a lot of emotional growing. The issues that I am getting down to are difficult to expose, let alone resolve. I fight against the changes because I am afraid of where I will be afterwards. Even though I understand that these changes are good for me and necessary for my continued emotional health, it is scary to leave behind what I have known for so long. Habits, good or bad are hard to break. Emotional habits are even harder because they are non-visual, you can’t point to it and say, “that’s that habit I am trying to break.”
Luckily for me I have a partner who is very devoted to me and who is willing to face my anger and fear without flinching. Because I am afraid I try to bully her into leaving me alone. If I were to be successful in that effort it would be to my detriment. Michele knows how to goad me into facing my anger so I can move past it to the real emotion underneath. Once I can expose that foundation emotion I am able to grow.
This past Sunday I faced some very difficult feelings about my parents, and about how I took things growing up. Realizing how my interpretation of events colored my feelings as a child, and further realizing that those childhood emotional coping mechanisms are not appropriate as an adult has allowed me to start developing more adult responses to situations.
For example, I react very defensively when people question what I’ve done. A seemingly benign question like, “I don’t understand why you did whatever this way,” can really set me off. As a child I took questions like that to mean that I had done something wrong. I grew to feel like I was being chastised whenever anyone would ask me anything about what I was doing, or how I was doing it. Today, as an adult, I need to stop filtering my interpretation of people’s questions through this childhood recognition model.
Sunday we had sweet corn with our meal and I made it first as is our habit. The corn was ready and eaten before the longest cooking part of the meal was started. When asked why I had done it this way I got extremely defensive and evasive. In the discussion that followed I finally got down to the understanding that my reaction had been one from my childhood, that the combination of my emotional state at the time, and the words used by my wife, triggered and old emotional response. Now that I know I have this response to this type of question my hope is that I can start to remove that response from my personality.
As for preparing the meal in such a way as to delay the main course, I believe that the part of me that wants to move on emotionally, deliberately setup this situation so that I would be questioned about my methods, thus triggering the discussion and growth that followed. Some would call this God, I chose to call it the TAO. Whatever it really is, it works for me because in the end I got the lesson and moved one step closer to understanding myself.
Do you have a car? If so, what kind of car is it? We have two cars, a 2000 Lexus ES 300, and a 2001 Audi TT.
Do you drive very often? The TT serves as my daily commuter vehicle. The Lexus is my wife’s primary car during the week. On the weekends we use the Lexus most of the time.
What’s your dream car? A Lexus LS 430. In Black Cherry with a cream colored leather interior. Also a Acura NSX. In any color.
Have you ever received a ticket? Yes. In 25 years of driving I’ve had three speeding tickets. Court supervision for two, so only one is on my official record.
Have you ever been in an accident? Yes. My father was driving and I was the passenger. We were moving through an intersection when another car struck us from the driver’s side. We did a complete 360 and ended up parallel parked, more or less. The car was totaled and we walked away unscratched.
In a “must win football game, your coach tells you to target the rival quarterback’s recent knee injury. Do you obey? No. Absolutely not. In fact I quit the team and report the coach’s lack of concern for other humans to the school administration.
Your cool new look gets you nowhere because your best friend looks like trailer trash. Do you avoid being seen with him/her? No. Friendship is based on more than looks.
When a young waitress leans forward to wipe tables, you have a magnificent view not meant for you. Do you keep looking? No. I’m married so I get all the magnificent views I want.
My wife is currently suffering from a pre-menopause condition that results in a continuous menstruation. She has endured this for 4 long years now. Typically this condition runs its course in 3-5 years. Ever day she must face the reality of bleeding. And every so often the reality of major clotting and heavy bleeding. It is debilitating, exhausting and extremely emotionally draining. She has faced this entire situation with grace and dignity. Not once in 4 years has she lashed out at me or anyone else as a result of her condition. She has, repeatedly and appropriately, expressed her emotions about her plight. At times she is so tired and distraught that the enormity of what she is facing overwhelms her and she cries and rages to release. Each time she finds a way back to herself, back to that incredible core of love and belief that keeps her going.
They say that courage is not the absence of fear but rather continuing in the face of fear. My wife has continued, and continues, everyday, in the face of fear. I could not be more impressed with her struggle. I have become a better man by watching her, helping her, and being there for her. I have gained new understanding of what is truly important in my life from her battle. The seemingly large issues at work and out in the “real” world, pale when compared to a daily struggle to face the world despite fears of embarrassment and censure over something out of ones control. Having possessions and money is insignificant when all you want is for the one you love to be whole and okay.
There is absolutely no one I place higher in my regard that my wife. I love her totally and with abandon. I freely give all that I am to her. And I joyfully accept all that she is and gives to me in return. My life, her life, and our life together, is real, grounded, and centered in truth.
I lov eyou //\\