I know that I tend to run back to old, destructive, behaviors when I feel threatened. An important recent discover of mine is realizing that I have contributed to leaving past jobs by shooting myself in the foot so I had to leave. I think, and this is only a guess, that I like it better when I feel like I am responsible for a situation ending rather than the other party. If I shoot myself in the foot, painful though that maybe, I am responsible for the end, not them. I can leave knowing (thinking) that they are okay. I think there are two primary reasons for my wanting to create this situation, my upbringing and my sister’s death. I have put most of my sister issues to rest, but I think a part of me is mad at her for ending the situation without my say so. I didn’t get to participate in her decision to end our relationship. So I try to control the endings of my relationships so that I make the choice and not them. As for my parents, I have always felt as if I was responsible for their emotions and feelings. Therefore I am responsible when they are sad or angry. When a work situation starts to go sour I want it to be my fault because that feels normal ~ that feels like home. If it feels like home then I can tolerate it. Making it feel otherwise is scary and hard. Even though making a situation feel safe and okay would be a good thing, I don’t let myself see that side of it, I just see that safe and good is different from what was normal growing up.
So, while I don’t like that I contributed to the end of prior work situations, I know that it is the truth and that I need to examine the reasons why so I can contribute to the end of future jobs in a way that is positive. Obviously I am going to contribute to each situation I am in; the only thing I can control is how I contribute. By not examining my participation in these settings I am letting my false-personality do the decision-making. Not a particularly good way to go about living.
At one prior job situation I acted as if the company was my parent. When the company merged I was mad at ‘my parent.’ I was going to force them to make me leave. I got my wish. At the next job I was afraid that I would be successful. I had never felt successful before, so it was an unfamiliar sensation and one that I wanted to avoid. When the going got tough, I left. My pre-IPO experience ended badly (as so many did). The layoffs had nothing whatsoever to do with me. I just happened to be let go. Where I did contribute to the situation was in the weeks that followed. I wanted everyone to feel sorry for me… trying on the martyr mantle; it was uncomfortable and unhelpful in the extreme. I also got to act out some vindictiveness by returning to that company knowing I was leaving soon.
Now I am working for myself. There really isn’t someone outside of me to act out against. I am the sole actor in this little play. If I give into to that negative parental voice inside of me, then I will repeat the lesson that the TAO offered up each previous job experience. If, however, I can listen to my true inner voice (the voice of love and the connection I have with the TAO) then I will get the lesson and be able to move on to the next.
My intellectual self is critical and judgmental. My intellect never sees the emotional or spiritual component to anything. I grew up with intellectual responses to everything being normal. That is not truth. Intellect plays a part, but only a part. There are three other sides to this pyramid: emotions, spirit, and physical being. The lesson is to incorporate all these in proportion to solve the lesson at hand.
I need to do the emotional work that comes up as a result of being in the world and in situations that bring up emotions. I need to address the spiritual needs I have, as I feel battered and bruised by the day to day interaction with other forces. I need to listen to my body and attend its needs by sleeping and eating properly. And I need to use my wisdom to temper my intellectual process so that it doesn’t run the show.
I am finding myself more and more frustrated with my job. For years I’ve told people that I get paid to play. However, the past few years this has been less and less true. There is a progression that happens as a software developer, you start as a programmer and advance through various jobs until one day you still think of yourself as a coder, but you are really an administrator of coders. This is fine (actually it pays better that coding) but you start to lose those perishable skills that made you good at your job in the first place.
I spent the first half of this year learning new techniques and languages so we could deploy a J2EE application. It was exciting, challenging, and most of all fun. Now our priorities have shifted and I need to re-introduce myself with a development platform I haven’t used in several years. I understand the language and the concepts behind it very well. But I am rusty when it comes to actually doing it. This is frustrating. Things that should take me a couple of minutes end up taking hours. I know that my skills will come back, but in the mean time I do not like this assignment at all.
The other piece that makes this job frustrating now, one that I haven’t experienced before, is the lack of creativity required. For years every new assignment held something new, something I could be creative with. Lately I’ve been doing the same kinds of tasks over and over. The need for creativity is lost. And the lack of creativity is missed. It is odd that I enjoy and even seek out repetition in some areas of my life, but that I don’t like it at work.
In the past week I received a new digital camera from my wife as an anniversary present. It has opened up a whole vista of creative possibilities. Almost too many as I feel overwhelmed when I look at all the picture possibilities around me. As I dive into this new creative experience I find the lack of creativity required currently at work less bothersome (I am finding release through the camera) and more troubling (work just isn’t as much fun anymore).
Over all I suppose I have some balance thanks to the camera, I am getting to be creative whereas prior to its arrival I didn’t have the outlet it provides. Still it shines a brighter light on the creative darkness at work. I know that in a few months when this project is completed I’ll have another opportunity to tackle something new and be creative again. In the meantime, I am frustrated.
I just had another lovely ‘service’ experience at the local Audi dealer. It’s one of these multiple marquee places handling Toyota, Audi, and Volkswagen. The underlying service model is distinctly American. That is to say a no service model.
Recently I had new tires put on my Audi. During that process the technician managed to gouge one of the aluminum alloy rims. The Sam’s Club people were very nice and their insurance carrier had a check cut and to me within 15 days of the incident. I called Audi and ordered the new rim and when they called back the following week to tell me the part was in, I set up an appointment to have it installed by them. My appointment was for 1:00 this afternoon.
I arrived 15 minutes early for my visit. At 2:20 my car was finished. One hour and thirty-five minutes to move a tire from one rim to another. The tire shop at Sam’s only took 50 minutes to do this 4 times, and that included the time spent taking pictures of the damaged rim. The Audi dealer service shop took 95 minutes to install one tire. Unbelievable.
Granted I am spoiled, as the other car in my current stable is a Lexus. Once you’ve been pampered by Lexus service you’ll never want to go back to the crappy American model. Recently my Lexus needed its 30,000-mile checkup. The nearest dealer is 75 miles away. They drove down in a loaner (same make and model as my ES300) left it for the day and drive my car back to their shop. After servicing the car, washing it inside and out, they returned it to me. No additional cost to me.
I’m as patriotic as the next American, but I am sick and tired of support American standards when that means poor service and no attention to detail. I deserve better. I demand better. Therefore my money will only go to those companies whose commitment to service is deeper than a fancy service emblem or slogan.
I must admit that I haven’t posted this sooner because I am slightly embarrassed. Previously I stated here that I wasn’t sure my brother would bother to call us when his second daughter was born. In fact he did. The phone call was brief and naturally centered on talk about the birth and everyone’s health. (I later learned that my brother didn’t have our phone number with him at the hospital. He had to ask my mother for it.)
Alyx Lee was born on June 23rd. She was just over 7 pounds and 21 inches long. She and her mother are fine.
He remarked that he understood my wife and I were recovering from a nasty cold and therefore he could understand our not coming to the hospital to see the newborn. In the next breath he speculated that we could come see them on Saturday. I thought not. There is still a gulf between us. My brother has no idea who I am or what I am, just as I struggle to understand who he is, and why he acts the way he does.
Obviously this situation isn’t going away. As much as I’d like to shove it aside and ignore it, I know better. My wife and I talked at length about going to see the new addition to the clan and came to the understanding that it was something we needed to do for our own sense of integrity. However, we need to approach this visit in a way that takes care of us. Going at his beck and call won’t make us feel comfortable at all. We need to plan a trip to his city and while there call and drop by for a short, spur of the moment visit. Yes, this is somewhat passive-aggressive, but trying to plan anything around their chaotic schedule is next to impossible and only leaves us feeling sullen and angry.
I understand the my own complex emotions about children is tied up in this issue with my brother as well. My wife and I decided before we married that we weren’t going to have children. This was not an easy decision to reach, and it has required some revisiting. The birth of my brother’s first daughter, and my parent’s first grandchild, was much harder emotionally that I expected. It is one thing to say you don’t want children and another altogether when family members start going nuts over a new child. I am human, and I have some very human feelings of jealousy about my brother’s new position in the family as a result of producing a grandchild. Because he and I don’t have any lines of communication we are unable to discuss this between us. I work on my emotions with myself and my wife. I am unable to work on them with my brother. This will continue to add friction to our situation.
I love my brother, his wife, and their family. He has taken on responsibilities I haven’t. I cannot know what burdens and joys his chosen lifestyle brings him. Equally, he cannot understand the joys and sorrows my chosen lifestyle brings me.
My journey towards personal understanding and truth took two steps yesterday. A big one and a small one. The big one came as I was getting home from the store after work. While in the check out line I felt very out of control. The woman behind me found it necessary to crowd me the whole time, even bumping into me once or twice. I asked her to stop, telling her that she was in my personal space and that I didn’t like it. The checker added to my feeling by placing the bags with my items as far away on the counter as possible. I had to walk around the foot of the counter to pick them up.
Traffic was its usual slow cumbersome self, but I was beyond caring or understanding now. I was completely into my out of control fugue. When I got home my lovely wife knew immediately that I was loaded for bear and started a dialog. Neither of us likes it when I am like this, and she has the courage to open the ball so I can get whatever off my chest. This works for us, as we never make it about the other.
The realization I got was that my image of who I was at work, and what I mean to that organization is false. I am faced with a potential layoff in the next month; a layoff that could mean relocating again. I hate this thought and it eats at me. Most of the people I work with are only vaguely aware that layoffs are looming. The situation is very surreal. In the midst of this budget crisis I learned yesterday that the entire team is slated to get monitor upgrades from 17 inch to 19 inch within the next week. Team leads to get 21-inch monitors.
I snapped.
We haven’t got enough money to keep everyone employed, but we do have enough money to by new monitors for all. As she and I talked about this the truth finally hit home. The organization just doesn’t care about us as individuals. As full-time equivalents, yes, as people no. I recently read on ‘The Perils of Leisure’ about the progression from new job rose color glasses to taken the glasses off and putting blinders on, to finally seeing the truth about where you work. What happened to me yesterday was more profound. I saw what I had always known but never owned, that I have never mattered to any organization I’ve worked for. Ever. Not as an individual. Not as Mark Nichols. As a programmer or analyst or team lead, sure. But there will always be another body to fill that requirement for the organization.
I have for most of the past twenty years defined a large part of my self through who I was at work. Now that I see that who I am as and individual really doesn’t matter to the employer, I feel like I’ve lost that part of my self-image. Instead I have to lean on the internal image of me, the one that I don’t share at work, that one that isn’t a ‘programmer’ but is rather a human seeking understanding of himself.
Yesterday my wife and I went to see MIB II at the local multiplex theater. We find going to the movies harder and harder to do for several reasons. The audiences are ruder than ever before. People use their cell phone repeated during the movie, kids are running up and down the aisles, and it’s expensive. By the time the two of us get tickets and some popcorn and a drink, we’ve spent upwards of $25. To sit and be annoyed by the people around us who obviously had $25 to waste and could care less about the show.
For once, yesterday was different. At show-time we were alone in the theater. Hubba hubba. I thought for a moment that we would have that rarest of movie going experiences ~ a private showing. Sadly this was not to be; during the 15 minutes of trailers and commercials a couple and a single man wandered in and sat down. At least they were there to see the movie and were far enough away from us that we didn’t notice them at all during the show.
After not a little work, I’ve managed to convert my web site to a content management system called ‘Moveable Type’. It is freely available at moveabletype.org. If you maintain a blog, or would like to, I can highly recommend it.
There are a few wrinkles to work out yet; my history isn’t working, and the format of my signature isn’t quite what I had in mind. But the content is coming from the database, and the general formatting is correct.
My hope is that using this software will allow me to focus on capturing my thoughts without having to focus on the nuts and bolts of HTML to display them.
Stay tuned… more to come.
I have lunch a couple times a week at a local chili diner. The chili is simple and hot, the service quick, and the atmosphere pleasant.
There’s only one problem with this place. Once a week or so the server, dishing up your bowl of chili, is a woman who can’t get it right. I like my chili spicy, with extra meat and no beans. She only ever gets 1/3 of the order right. Not spicy, but no beans and extra meat. Or spicy, no extra meat and no beans. Or spicy with beans. Phooey.
It is so frustrating. How hard is this? I should say something to the owner, but I am reluctant to cause trouble.
I guess as a society we are raised to put up with near misses rather than ask for specifics. I know that we are all human and that we all make mistakes, but I think a systematic acceptance of less than leads to bigger problems. We are all capable of getting it right, if only we try.
I am sitting in carousel at the local Audi dealer waiting for my car to complete its 15K service visit.
I use the term service euphemistically as this is not pleasant.
There are two places to sit here ~ in the room with the TV or in the room with the loud obnoxious music on. Furthermore, when I arrived here I was lectured by the twerp doing my vehicle check in.
When I bought the car I was told it had a service indication system that would notify me when it required service. So I waited until the computer display in the car said it was less than 500 miles from its next service point to bring the car in. The service receptionist chastised me because I hadn’t brought the car in for its 10K checkup. When I explained that the display hadn’t come on he said to ignore the display and bring the car in every 10K regardless.
Why put a system into car if you aren’t going to use it? This makes no sense to me at all. I can imagine that there was considerable time, money and effort put into the development and deployment of the diagnostic system in my Audi TT. Imagine the chagrin at Audi HQ if they knew a $7.50/hour high school graduate was circumventing the whole system.
My wife and I are traveling to Hawaii for a cruise at Christmas time. I’ve been fretting over the flight arrangements. The cruise line has discounted tickets, but you lose a lot of control over them.
If you book the flight with Norwegian they send you your plane tickets approximately 1 month before your cruise departure date. At that time you can call the airline an request a seat preference. I was not happy with putting it off so late ~ particularly since we are flying December 20th and 29th.
So I looked into booking them myself. The cost difference is roughly 1000 dollars. More. Some would argue that it was foolish to spend $1000 more for the same seats. I would argue that the intangible benefits from booking our own airline tickets far exceeds any price, much less $1000.
We have a non-stop flight. We are flying from our local airport, where we will clear security and check baggage; avoiding the whole checkin mess at the international airport. We have our seat preferences on file now ~ 7 months in advance.
Mostly we have peace of mind. I won’t fret about the arrangements for the next 6 months, and my lovely wife is at ease knowing what to expect for the most difficult part of the trip.
Our way is priceless. Our feelings and comfort level is priceless.