Michele and I have had the perfect weekend. After my long night Friday I slept in Saturday. Once I was up and about we decided to clean out our junk bedroom. Now that we are using his and her Macintoshes as our main computers we have two spare Window machines. By cleaning out this room we were able to setup a desk with a 19 inch monitor, keyboard and mouse. I’ve got a KVM switch, so both Windows boxes are plugged in and ready for use. There’s a TV and VCR there too. All I need to do is visit the crawl space and activate that cable port and we are in business.
Today we had a wonderful brunch at O’Charlie’s followed by visits to three furniture stores in search of a chaise lounge chair. We saw a couple we liked, but didn’t place and order yet. The sales woman at Lazy Boy was trying to help about 3 couples at once and we gave up before she got to us in the rotation.
This evening we grilled out burgers and hot dogs for the first time since last summer. We also had left over mac-n-cheese and some sweet corn. It was a fabulous dinner.
It is weekends like this that remind you why you work.
I feel as if I have taken the poison of my addiction and tainted my wonderful wife’s life. Before me she didn’t have enormous financial problems and I seem to create bigger and more dangerous ones all the time. Because she is married to me she is tarred with the same brush as me. How can I say that I love her, if I subject her to the pain, frustration and uncertainty that I seem to need?
I know that I have a very serious problem in that I am addicted to situations that are dangerous to me. Situations that have humiliating or dire consequences. Not paying my bills on time, not keeping up with my taxes. Serious problems with serious consequences. I have run afoul of these problems before. I have been served papers in order to get me to pay off debt. I have had my electricity and gas turned off, more than once. I have been without cable and phone service. And yet I still manufacture these kinds of problems for myself.
I know that no one does something repeatedly unless they are getting something from it. As sick as this sounds, I know that some part of me gets off on having continual chaos and insurmountable difficulties in my life. Last weekend, with the help of Michele, I was finally able to break down some of the barriers I have erected around this feature of my personality. By keeping it hidden, even from myself, I could pretend to have a normal life. Outwardly I seem to be getting along just like everyone else. Inwardly I am lost and confused.
Even having admitted that I have a seriously bent aspect to my personality, I still find myself ignoring reality and thinking about how wonderful it will be when a miracle happens and everything is okay again. I keep imagining winning the lottery or inheriting the money I need to get out of the current hole. I know that even if someone donated the money I needed, that the real problem would still exist.
In my view of the metaphysical world I believe that we are here to learn lessons, some harder than others. If you refuse to get a particular lesson through your life’s events, it is repeated again and again, each time with more emphasis. It is obvious to me that I am plainly not getting a lesson here, and equally obvious that I am not allowing myself to even see what that lesson might be about.
Knowing that I seek out destructive situations isn’t enough. I need to understand what being in that situation brings to me that I feel I need. My fear is that while outwardly I don’t enjoy the attention my destructive habit brings, inwardly I feel I am deserving of this attention. That somehow I am unfit to be happy or normal. Until I can feel worthy of not having chaos and insurmountable difficulties in my life, I know I will continue to create them and gravitate towards them. I hate knowing this as I feel helpless to stop this cycle.
I want to feel loved and okay, but until I can tell myself, and truly believe myself, that I am okay, I know I won’t let those feelings be my truth. I guess a part of me has never believed that I was lovable, or likable, or deserving of praise. The fact that I get these messages from the people in my life has to be balanced by some huge bad. Is that the key? Do I feel better when I can offset the praise, like, affirmations, and love I receive from others with derision and scorn? And since I don’t get derision and scorn on a regular basis, do I manufacture situations where I can feel it?
Oh, how true this rings. And how awful it feels. I can see situation after situation in my life where I sabotaged the good coming in from others, with scorn from myself, so as to wind up where I felt I deserved to be.
I have met the enemy and he is me.
How do I defeat myself and win myself at the same time? I wish I could somehow cut out or destroy that part of me that can’t accept love or praise, so that I might, just once, truly feel good.
For if I can’t learn to truly feel good, then I am afraid that I will eventually want to stop feeling at all.
Grab your nearest broadband connection and point it here to download the full trailer for ‘Matrix: Reloaded’ due out May 15th.
Once you’ve got it, un-zip it, and hit play.
In a word, wow.
It has been an interesting morning here. The state budget address was given yesterday, and it targets consultant spending as one area where cuts should be made. Naturally this has upset many of my consultant coworkers. The one thing that I keep reminding myself as I listen to and get sucked into these discussions, is that the new governor has stepped on a lot of toes in his three months in office; his budget proposal is going to get hacked to bits in the coming weeks. So to get worked up today about the first proposal is just silly.
At any rate I have been very aware of my addiction this morning, and I have been taking very good care of myself to prevent it from running amok. I know that I will be okay when my thoughts and emotions come from my adult, integrated self. However, when I start coming from the old Mark, I can feel myself slipping into the its-better-to-run-away-than-stay-and-deal-wth-it mode. If Michele and I hadn’t talked this out just last week, I am afraid that I would be pretty out of control about this today. As it is, even knowing that I have a destructive tendency around information like this, it is hard not to start calling people and rattling cages looking for information, work, contracts, or something. Even writing about it gets me going a little bit.
So, I have been sitting here for a few minutes calming myself and letting my integrated self address my inner voices and fears. I know that I am concerned about my contract status here, but that is normal. I know that I am in a very good position to keep this contract for many reasons. I know that this craziness happens here every year between January and July, and that acting on it is even crazier still.
Because I did the hard work to identify and own my addiction towards acting in ways that can be destructive last week, I am far better prepared to handle the swirling anxieties here today. I am able to step back and re-grasp my reality and let go of the rocks everyone else is grabbing. I no longer need to be like everyone else to feel good about myself. I don’t need to run off half assed because because of events beyond my control. I do much better when I sit back and validate my own emotions, than when I allow myself to get caught up in the storm of emotions everyone else is generating.
The sky is only falling if you are afraid to look up and see the truth of your situation.
I consider myself to be patriotic, but not blindly so. I have heard people say that now that the war has started the time for protest is over. That we should support our troops and not question the direction our government is taking.
I disagree.
It is always time for protest, discussion, debate, questions, action, and opinion. America was founded in protest, and born with a multitude of voices and opinions. Without the continuation of open, free debate and protest, our form of democracy will cease to exist. Too often people forget that most of the freedoms they enjoy are the result of protest. The United States has entered a dangerous time in its history, perhaps the most dangerous time it has ever faced.
I fear that the terrorist attacks of September 2001 were successful in that a sense of fear and distrust was created in this country, where none existed before. The government, in response to this attack, quickly passed a new law defining the federal crime of ‘domestic terrorism.’ Basic constitutional rights are threatened by this law, and face further erosion if the follow-on Patriot Act II is passed. People are afraid to speak out for fear of being labeled with this new crime. Libraries and bookstores are destroying customer records to prevent them from potential seizure by government agents. And I wonder what future attention I might draw from my own government for posting thoughts like this on the internet.
If we allow ourselves to be stifled, if we stop voicing our positions and debating the policies of our government, then we will cease to be a democratic nation. Already our press is increasing controlled by large corporations that dictate what is and isn’t the news; witness Disney telling it’s subsidiary ABC News not to report on Disney in any way. Reports from embedded reporters in Iraq have all started to take on a ‘we’ stance, instead of a more objective viewpoint. Listening to live reports you hear reporters talking about how ‘we are attacking this objective’, or ‘we are taking fire.’ Not, ’the unit I am covering is moving towards it’s objective.’ By embedding the reporters in the units they are dependent upon for safety and shelter we stripped them of their freedom to be completely open in their reporting.
Like many of you here in the United States I have seen the proliferation of “Support Our Troops” signs in the past three weeks. I do not have such a sign in my yard for I fear it implies a support of the government policy that placed these troops in harm’s way. I do not think the United States had a right, or just cause, to invade Iraq. And I feel I have the right to speak out against the policies that created this situation.
I have great empathy for the families of the people in the theater of war in Iraq today. I do support the men and women who are in harm’s way. However, I do not feel that just because we are at war I should stop my protest. I refuse to wear blinders and only see what others want me to see. I refuse to believe only what I am told to believe. I reserve the right to search out my own thoughts, and to take my own stances on issues.
I am an American and as such I have the right, and the duty, to protest, to support, to question, to participate. If I give up any of these rights then I am no longer free, and if we all give up these rights, then America will be lost.
I’ve added two more dominos to my understanding of the current war in Iraq, the war on terrorism, and the erosion of personal freedoms here in the United States.
The first comes from the Mercury News April 6th edition by way of this posting on kottke.org.
Liberties ebbed and flowed in America’s past. Leaders curbed liberties, with the public’s often ignorant endorsement, in times of crisis. But the rights tended to come back when the crises ended.
The fabled pendulum of liberty may not swing back this time. Why?
For one thing, the damage that one evil or deranged person or group can cause has grown. Even if America somehow persuades all Islamic radicals that we are a good and just society, there will still be some evil and deranged people who will try to wreck things and lives in spectacular ways. In other words, the “war on terrorism” can’t possibly end.
In thinking about this issue and what the U.S. gov’t is doing here (whether it’s deliberate or not), and I keep coming back to George Orwell. This is straight out of 1984 . War is peace. If you want a stable country, you limit civil liberties. No freedom, no sudden movements, no free thinking, no chance of things getting out of control. How do you do that? Wage war full time. Too busy fighting to worry about freedom. The few control the many through their own fear and patriotism.
The second from our viewing of last week’s NOW with Bill Moyers. He returned to a story line he’d first talked about several weeks ago about the loosening of controls on broadcast media by the FCC. It appears that the Republican majority on the FCC board wants to eliminate controls restricting ownership of television and radio stations to allow large corporations a free hand in taking over and controlling independent TV and radio stations. Already in some market-spaces, Jacksonville FL, for example, the 4 major broadcast stations (ABC, CBS, NBC, and FOX) are owned by just two corporations. If you watch the local news on NBC or FOX you see the exact same people reporting the exact same news. The corporations call it economizing, and they insist it is the only way they can compete and survive. However, it eliminates the whole many points of view, many different approaches ideal that makes democracy in this country work.
You say you haven’t heard anything about this vital shift in FCC regulatory policy? Hmm. Where do you get your news?
I have an addiction, one that is damaging and hurtful to me and those who love me. It is hard to write about, hard even to think about, but unless I can bring it into the light, repeatedly, it will continue to rule my life.
I avoid responsibility in situations where there are penalties and punishments. For example, for years I delayed paying my bills until I got phone calls or disconnect notices. Eventually I started having services turned off for lack of payment. I believe that we do things because we get something back from them. Not paying my bills was getting me attention, negative attention, but attention none the less.
Part of my personality is an inability to see or accept praise. I see my self as not okay even when everyone around me is saying otherwise. I am much more likely to hear and respond to a negative message than a positive one. While I hate to admit this, a part of me craves getting slapped with negative messages. Not paying my phone or electric bill was an easy way to generate a negative message. I hated getting the phone calls, or having my services turned off; and at the same time I repeatedly caused that very situation to happen.
When I was single I was able to keep my little problem hidden from view. There were times when I felt like everyone knew, like when my work phone would ring and the creditor at the other end wanted their money right away. I always felt as if there was a large neon sign flashing over my head broadcasting to the whole world that I couldn’t pay my bills on time. But then people would continue to treat me as if I was normal and had it all together. How could I be so bad and still have people think I was okay?
Over time this difference in my view of myself and the view the rest of the world seemed to have bothered me. I knew I wasn’t a good person because good people didn’t have trouble paying their cable bill. Only bad people had to stand in line with the other deadbeats and pay their past due electric bill plus a deposit to get the lights turned on again. My addiction became worse as I tried to reconcile the loathing I had for myself when friends or family would praise me when I knew in my heart I wasn’t worthy of their friendship or love.
After getting married my wife and I struggled with the debts I had incurred and continued to incur. Eventually we used Consumer Credit Counseling Service to assist us in paying off our credit card debt. It took over 2 1/2 years but we managed to wipe out all our outstanding debts. All we owed money on were our car and our house. Now I wasn’t a bad person anymore because I was paying everything on time, so I should have felt okay when people praised me for being a good man. Only it didn’t feel good. I still felt bad about myself, as if I wasn’t deserving of any good.
I graduated to blowing job situations out of proportion so that having to leave the job and move was the only solution. We lived in Portland where there were dozens of technology companies and I refused to allow myself to switch jobs when my contract ended. Instead I felt I had to pursue another position using the same technology 3000 miles away in South Carolina. I couldn’t allow myself the good of a new career direction in order to have the good of not moving from a beautiful city. Instead I forced us to make a major move to a town we ultimately hated, and a job that fell apart in 9 months.
I managed to hang on in Charleston long enough to setup a independent contractor position for myself, which was letting me have some good. But it had to be 1100 miles away requiring another major move. On the surface this was all to the good as I now was working for me, with people I knew, with my favorite technology. Underneath however, my old demon was still there, still refusing to accept that I was worthy of this kind of lifestyle. This time I went for the big time, this time I managed to create problems paying and keeping up with my taxes.
Until just a couple of days ago, when Michele had the courage to face all my evasions and subterfuges, I was slowly digging this hole deeper and deeper. If not paying my bills wasn’t going to show people I was bad; and if having to move cross country 3 times in 4 years wasn’t going to prove to people I was bad, then, by golly, not meeting my tax obligation ought to show them.
The worst part of my addiction is that not meeting this obligation in a responsible way seemed to make sense. Finally I would be able to match my internal view of me with the world’s ~ both would be bad. Only it doesn’t work that way in the real world. With Michele’s love and support I was able to finally break through and vocalize my addiction. For the first time I was able to say that a part of my wanted to fail at paying bills or taxes. A part of me wanted to have to change jobs and move. As much as I dislike saying this, a part of me likes the pain and anxiety this lifestyle creates. When I type it here, or say it out loud I realize just how destructive this behavior really is, and I want to be rid of it. Where I get into trouble is not talking about it, for then it can quietly whisper in my inner ear and lead me towards destruction.
Now you all know, now Michele knows, and most importantly I know. This isn’t hidden away in the dark corners of my mind anymore. I have owed that I have an addiction and that it is running, and ruining, my life. I need to keep admitting it while I start the process of altering my personality.
Hi, I’m Mark, and I have a destructive addiction to negative feedback.
I am playing around with a new look and feel for the site. You can see a mock up here. Give it a go and let me know what you think. The new site is pure CSS and XHTML valid. I haven’t completed the supporting archive, about, and link pages yet, not have I worked the moveableType tags I want to use into this design yet. Hopefully I’ll have it all ready for prime-time in the next few days.
In other site related news, I found a link to my site on one of the sites I frequent. It was most gratifying indeed. Thank you Shannon.
In this time of fear I find that I am struggling with a host of my own personal fears. So much of our lifetime is subject to events beyond our control that it is only natural that we individually develop a set of fears that try to interfere with our daily existence.
Mine center around loss of loved ones. My sister died when she was 11 and I was 12. My mother says that once upon a time I told her I was going to marry Amy when I got older, because I liked her best. The loss of my sister at such an early age drastically changed my view of the world. My twelve-year old understanding of the world included the idea that loving someone meant you would lose them. My adult understanding of the world knows this isn’t true, but buried inside me is that emotional memory and at times it resurfaces.
Ever since her death 30 years ago I have fantasized about what it would be like to lose someone else that close to me. When I was still a teenager these fantasies often had me losing the rest of my family to some calamity. I understand now that by imagining their deaths I was distancing myself from the potential hurt losing them would bring. Only by emotionally walling myself off could I face the eventuality of losing my mother, father or brother.
I am fortunate to be in love with a wonderful, beautiful woman; who honors me by sharing her life with mine. I have never felt closer to someone, or more loved. My life is so rich and full thanks to the relationship Michele and I have struggled to build; consequently, the thought of losing her is my greatest fear. At different times this fear takes different forms: sometimes death separates us, other times it is an emotional or spiritual separation. When I am feeling very out of control I inwardly worry that I am going to lose Michele to illness and death.
Michele has a wonderful paradigm for understanding how we process our current situation (physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual) and formulate a response based on our life experience. Some of these responses are from childhood events that were never fully expressed. These places of emotional recognition are rooted in time and can cause us to react in ways that are seemingly childish or out of context with the current situation. Using this model, and my current fears, I can determine my emotional age. When I am afraid of losing her to death or illness I know that I am responding with a rather young emotional age. I know that this really means I have some unexpressed fear that I am not helping myself through.
With all the media coverage of the war in Iraq, the mystery illness in Asia, the spiraling budget deficit, the loss of personal freedoms, hijackings, and terrorism is it any wonder that I am fearful? As an adult I can understand the distance between these events and me personally. I am able to function and continue with my life. A child would not be expected to deal with all of these events. I know that I haven’t been taking enough time for me lately, to stop and listen to the fears of my inner self because I am increasingly worried that some major disaster is lurking just ahead. My sense of being overwhelmed by all that is going on in the world and in my life is bringing reactions from a much younger Mark. In and of themselves these reactions aren’t wrong, but they are telling me that I need to step back from the world for a moment and focus on me.
I need to find that place of peace and security within me where my adult can comfort my younger self. I need to express those childish fears so that the way to a more balanced emotional, spiritual, and intellectual response will be open once again.
I think I finally have an understanding of the real reason the United States is waging a war in Iraq. It isn’t about oil or weapons of mass destruction. It isn’t about terrorism or Saddam Hussein. It is a message to the rest of the world, friend and foe alike, that we, the United States, are the only superpower left and we can do anything we want with impunity.
Michele and I watched a PBS Frontline program about the “War Behind the War.” In this excellent documentary a very clear and compelling case is made for the events that brought us to war.
Following the end of hostilities in the first gulf war an Undersecretary of Defense, Paul Wolfowitz, authored a document stating that the tradition method of projecting US power wasn’t working any more. Being reactionary to hot spots around the globe wasn’t working. Instead he proposed that the US preemptively strike to keep nations, regions, or regimes in line with our wishes. Preemptively striking was a radical idea and one that the first Bush administration moderates, including Colin Powell, couldn’t and wouldn’t accept.
The language of the document was altered to talk of containment rather than preemption. For the remainder of the first Bush administration and through out the Clinton years containment was the order of the day. However with the election of the second Bush, and his selection of many of his father’s staffers and advisors the stage was set for the same battle for new foreign policy tactics once again.
For the first 18 months of the new Bush administration his foreign policy was a shambles. With Powell leading the moderates from the State department and Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz leading the hawks in the Defense department our foreign policy was more about turf wars in Washington DC than effective diplomacy around the world. Then the terrorist attacks of September 11 occurred and the opposing camps start fighting over “unfinished business’ in Iraq. Eventually bush sides with the hawks and the original preemption document resurfaces and becomes doctrine. The US adopts a policy of military action to dictate foreign policy.
We are at war with Iraq not because of oil, weapons of mass destruction, terrorism or even really Saddam Hussein. We are at war with Iraq as a proof of concept of the preemptive military doctrine our government has adopted. We want to see how this plays out for real, and who better than a reviled dictator no one will side with willingly?
I, personally, feel this is a very dangerous precedent for the United States and the world. There is no other superpower to oppose US military might. Anytime the United States wants to change the direction of the world they can simply by saying that it is necessary. As Samuel P. Huntington says, “The West won the world not by the superiority of its ideas or values or religion but rather by its superiority in applying organized violence. Westerners often forget this fact, non-Westeners never do.”
You can watch the Frontline program over the internet at this address: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/iraq/view/ or purchase it from the online PBS store.